In Competition with my Dad?!?

Question

My dad - for as long as I can remember - would tell my mother that us kids were going to grow up, get married and leave them and all my mother would have is him. While that is just what happens in life, he has used it as a means of brainwashing her to the point that when faced with having to chose between us or him - which he does often - she always takes his side. This is our birth father and mother. Even when I call her on the phone, he will distract her from the conversation. When I was a teen, I was kick out by hm many times and he would always play the "he or me card: Would you consider this a competition that my father is having with his kids for my mothers attention. What do we do about it?

Answer 1

I'm sure this is difficult for you to take. But your phrase, "for as long as I can remember" is the key here. This situation isn't going to change, unfortunately. And your mother is complicit in it. The only thing you can change, and that you have control over, is your response to your father's behavior. He isn't going to become a different person at this phase in his life. You can accept him for who he is, with all of his limitations, and deal with it.

Maybe you can find some time to be with your mother by herself, if he will allow it. For instance, could you take her to lunch one day while your dad is at work or doing something else? I couldn't tell from your post if you live in the same town.

You can also make your feelings known, without any expectation that either your father or mother will change. For example, if you're on the phone with your mother and your dad is calling for attention (reminds me of a toddler) you can say firmly but politely, "I wanted to talk to you, Mom, but I can't have a conversation if you're distracted so I'll call later, Bye." and hang up. Or say to your dad, "I would like to talk to mom without being interrupted." You can always try but again, I wouldn't hold out much hope that this dynamic is going to change. Good luck, and God bless!

Answer 2

It sounds like you have a very controlling father who may have self exteem issues. He might have felt like your mother loved you kids more than him when you came along and he has done everything to be sure she is dependent on him. It's awful that you had to deal with this growing up but now that you are older I would suggest you not play into his game. Tell him you love him and your mother very much and you are not going to let him treat you as if you were a child now that you have grown up. Let him know that your mother is perfectly capable of loving you all including him and no one is going to abandon him. Have an intervention with your whole family. When everyone goes around telling him how much you all love him but this has hurt you ( don't just point out all the bad and use it as a time to throw everything he has done wrong in his face, he will only get defensive) maybe he will see that he was wrong to think that your mother could only love either him or you kids. Good luck, this is a difficult situation and it needs to be addressed.

Answer 3

Do you know the typical behavior of an only child become oldest child? They are jealous because they were the center of attention, affection, and love, and without permission or consent they become relegated to a separate place and a newcomer displaces them. That shouldnt be unexpected on the part of the father who instead of having 15 hours of one-on-one quality time per week with an alive beautiful woman who is interesting and interested in him, and warm loving every night is relegated to 15 hours of quality one-on-one time per year with a frazzled and exhausted woman who has made him lower in time allocations than any of her children, and warm loving once every 3 months. Its a very common thing in marriages. It might be typical of 95% of all marriages, and the only thing the guy has as an avenue of action is to take the hit, learn to cope, and keep a few connections - bridges if you will - with his wife while the kids are growing hoping to build things back later.

Do you know a common behavior of adults who base their identities on their kids after those kids move out? They have lost the relationship they have with each each other, and they divorce. This is very dominant in divorces of adults who have been married over 18 years. This could be the cause of half of all of those divorces.

Now think about this from their perspective. How would you feel if a loving wonderful man swept you off your feet (assuming you are a girl) courted you, romanced you, and you married. You had a great honeymoon and several wonderful years together. As a natural part of life, you had several babies, and fell in love with them. You raised them, and focussed on them. They went through all the phases kids do, then they moved out and on with life. When they went away to college you discovered that the man you married was really a memory, and because people who are alive are people who grow and change you are living with a virtual stranger. Theres some chasm between you two, and without knowing or expecting it, you lost the love of your life.

Would it be appropriate to expect your kid to be the love of your life? There are needs, real human needs that its just sick and wrong for a kid to fill in a parent. What do you expect the child to do about that.

My point: He married her, she married him. You should respect that relationship. Yes its competition, but if you win, everyone loses. Be the bigger person and fly away from the nest. Find your own spouse, make your own life. If you want to do things different, do them with your own kids, and not with your parents.

Answer 4

I think that your dad thinks that this is the only way he can make your mom stronger or to prepare her for when this time comes. I, however do see why you may see this as a competition. I think you all need to confront your dad and let him know how you're feeling and why you feel like this because he needs to know. Explain to him that you are still your mother's kids even though you've moved out of their house and that you want your mom to know that she still has you. If you all confront him, he can't try to bring you down; just stand tall and clearly state your point.

Answer 5

You really can't change your father any, so I guess the only idea would be to talk to your mother about it --because it's her that's allowing this to happen.

But that's pretty pathetic, seems like your father has some deeper rooted issues at hand if he is that self-centered.

Answer 6

Hmmm well in that case i suggest that you should personally meet ur mom once when your dad isn't around and tell her what you feel like.Even ask your dad why is he doing this and as far as your question is concerned i think your wanna gets the attention of ur mom.

Answer 7

Wow! It sure does sound like competition! What i would do is talk to my mom and ask her to keep a look out for when he does it again! Tell her how it makes you fell when he does it and when she falls for it. Maybe she doesnt realize she is doing it!
Maybe that can be her new year's resolution!

Good Luck!

Answer 8

i may well be upset. i understand the Superbowl is exciting (i'm from Pittsburgh and that i'm cheering for the Steelers) yet i might omit it to work out somebody that close to to me overall performance. You labored perplexing and you pick the two considered one of your mothers and fathers to be there. My dad would not even come homestead from paintings so we could desire to %. up my nephew from college, he instructed me to stroll meanwhile there grow to be a sniper loose and colleges have been on lock down. So definite dads could be thoughtless of what they do. I mean, he could desire to checklist it, or he could desire to get considered one of those transportable television's and save in song of the sport yet nevertheless watch you. while he tells you approximately it, you form of could desire to make him experience in charge and make him no longer with the flexibility to sleep simply by fact of it. (i realize it sounds cruel yet he would not care the way you experience, this might make him re-examine it) Act as in case you do no longer understand approximately it already and while he tells you, tell him, he might fairly watch a soccer game than watch his very own daughters' first cheer opposition. you are able to desire to make him experience undesirable so he can re-examine. Or she if there's a fashion he could make it up with you.

Answer 9

try calling her when he is at work or call her at work. arrange to meet her at times when he is not around. he is suffering from arrested development meaning he has never grown up and needs constant attention like a child. just ask her if she would be willing to talk when he is not around or to go to lunch or dinner without him. just you guys. Good luck!

Answer 10

Blame your mom
she had a choice in it
If my husband said that to my kid, he wouldn't have to wait to move out, his shyt would be on the curb waiting for him when he got back from the hospital (getting my foot surgically removed from his rectum)