My Mom doesn't want to babysit for us very often. Why do you think that is?

Question

We have a 7year old and a 3 year old. We choose not to use sitters mostly because of our own comfort level. Our kids adore my Mom and going to her house. She is widowed and healthy yet she doesn't have much of a social life. She rarely watches our kids and when she does she chooses the times and durations. Usually it's a last minute, afternoon time.....that doesn't allow my husband and I to make very good plans.
She knows that we are tired and desperate for time alone and she uses that as a control tool.
After she sits with our kids she reminds us of how nice it was for her to do us a favor.
I love my Mom but I don't understand why she is behaving this way. I rarely ask her to watch the kids because I hate hearing her say no. That's why I'm confused as to why she doesn't offer more often. She keeps our kids for a few hours a month. Our three year old still doesn't talk well so we aren't comfortable leaving her alone with anyone and we don't have other choices.

Answer 1

It could be a number of reasons.She may be scared that if something were to ever happen bad (praying it won't) while they are in her care,you would hate her.Or could be that she is just trying to retire and feels like she has done her part in raising kids.Talk to her to make her feel more at ease.

Answer 2

I don't know but my Mom is also the same way, I do everything for her and she is also very high strung and she doesn't have a husband. I have 3 kids but she will not watch the younger ones and only will take the oldest sometimes. I think it is unfair, there are other grandparent's older than her, with less mobility who will watch their grandkids. She thinks that she has raised her kids which is not really true because all of us were so far apart and I ended up having to raise myself most of the time, I'm talking about 3 yrs old by myself! I also know as a parent that you have to do the best you can but if you see somebody you love struggling, wouldn't you help them? Their grandmother on their fathers side is completely different, and she lives 5 1/2 hrs away but whenever we come in town, she snatches them all three of them and my other child too so 4 and keeps them...I completely understand your frustration

Answer 3

I Feel like some of the other answers people are leaving are kinda cruel and ridiculous. If some one is not in the same situation than they dont understand, However my mother is exactly the same way. She lives fairly close, and loves my two year old daughter to death. But.....When I ask if she can baby sit so that my fiancee and I can have some sanity, its always "maybe, I think im going to lunch that day" or "Im to tired". She doesnt have much of a social life either, She rarely even works, I just dont understand why she wont baby sit. My daughter is definetly not a "brat" or "bad" at all she is one of the most well behaved loving children i have ever met! And for the other people who are answering your question with "hey, maybe your kid is a brat or really annoying!" I dont think that is very kind at all because in most cases thats not it, its something more. I wish I had an answer for your question because I am wondering the same. The only conclusion I have come to is that maybe my mom is to lazy or just doesnt care enough about my sanity. I guess We'll never know the truth until we are grand parents and get asked the question "Mom, How about watching the kids for a few hours?"

Answer 4

My mom is somewhat similar. She has 5 grandkids all under 7 years old. My daughter is 4, I'm a single mother and sometimes I ask her to babysit. She usually does, but she can only deal with it for a few hours. She is just somewhat of a high strung person and gets flustered and stressed out easily. Those are her limitations and you just have to take it for what it is. It's nothing personal, that's just all she is willing to do. My mom's perspective is, she already raised her kids and now she wants to take the time to be with her husband. She sees the kids a lot and does plan special time with them, but again, it's usually on her own time when she wants to and when she feels she can. Today she is picking up my daughter from pre-school and taking her to see Charlotte's Web. Then after that, I will go down to her house, we'll have dinner together and then I'll take my daughter home. You probably just need to find someone else to do it. At my daughter's pre-school, one of the younger teachers does babysitting on the side for a VERY reasonable price...you may want to check into that!

Answer 5

Even though your mother does not have much of a social life, it is her life. She is a widow and she may be trying to get back out into doing social things and is doing it her way. Just because you and your husband chose not to use sitters does not mean that your mother should be your first choice when you feel like you want some alone time. It doesnt mean she does not love her grandchildren, but you and your husband are being selfish by taking for granted that when you two want to do something together, that you mother is just supposed to drop everything she is doing or alter her plans, to accommodate yours. That is really diresepecting her, dont you think?

Also, you have to remember, that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND chose to start having kids to raise. Not your mother. She has paid her dues. It is now your turn to pay yours. She is a grandmother and not an on-call nanny.

Answer 6

I would be upset also. When you were a kid did her mother watch you? Interested to know that one..
I think she's using your comfort level against you.... Honestly if it were me in the situation I would do the following: 1. don't rely on her watching the kids, the next time she gives an impromptu suggestion of watching the, tell her thanks but you have some family plans of going to a movie or something. THEN, for your own sanity, try and find a good sitter that you feel comfortable with, it's great that one of your kids is 7 and could really tell you whats going on... if not make friends with other couples that have kids and take turns going out and watching the kids. I think that always works.
Once your mother realizes you aren't leaving the kids with her and that she needs to come watch the kids she's going to start and change... she's too old and too close to play these games with you.

Answer 7

My husband and I felt the same way about leaving our kids with non-relatives. It hurt our feelings that Grandmas and Aunties would turn us down or let their feelings known that they would rather not. We didn't go out much.
Now, as a Grandma myself, I understand that babysitting and visiting are two very different things. If I babysit I need to make sure that the kids know their boundaries with me; that's hard for a grandma to do. I would rather just be Grammy; the special sitter, not the regular sitter.
Besides, I don't have the same energy I had in my 20's and 30's. It's hard to understand that when you're that age but it is a very big concern.

Answer 8

My mother is the same way. Do you take the kids to her as opposed to making her come over? My sister always expects my mother to come to her and she does not like it. Also, do you ask often? A few hours a month may be a little too much for your mother. Sometimes grandparents may feel they are being taken advantage of. Now my in-laws are totally different. They take my son all the time, in fact they request that he comes over. It may just be a personality thing with your mother. Try sitting down with your mother and communicating, let her know how confused you are, but do it in a non-confrontational way.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

Maybe if you talk to her and make like two or three days a month when she takes care of them so you can go out. My mom is always happy to take care of the babies. If you want to go out, sometimes take the kids. I know that leaving them with baby sitters will not let you have good time because you will be thinking about your kids and how they are. Just talk things out with her.

Answer 10

Wow - I'm sorry you are experiencing this with your mother. I am very fortunate to have a mother who LOVES to spend time with her grand-kids. My mother is a widow as well and she likes to occupy her time with the grand-kids. If I were you, I'd sit down with your mother and ask her if you and your husband could count on her to keep them overnight, two Saturday evenings a month. There's no harm in asking. Also, very important, we always pay her something - well me and my husband always give my mother money and we always bring food/snacks or pay extra when she keeps the kids. Talking has worked wonders in life and just be honest. You should try asking her and also tell her you guys are overwhelmed and need the quality time together. Always thank her before, and after.

Answer 11

If you can't bear to leave your children with anyone then you're trapped in a box that you built. It's good for kids to interact with adults other than parents and grandma. There most be SOMEONE who is good enough for your precious darlings. Your friends must have babysitters. You must have friends. Your children must have teachers who might want to sit or know of someone who does. If you still can't bear it, ask Grandma if she would be willing to take care of the kids if you brought over a teenaged helper to play with them or fetch and carry. Or get a nanny cam. Or just get over being so paranoid. Your question makes me wonder if you're special-special parents - the kind who arrive with a sack of food because little Mikey won't eat anything but his own food and don't try to have him take a nap because he won't nap unless mommy naps with him. If that's the case, well, then, no wonder grandma doesn't want to sit!