As a parent what can I do?

Question

At 1am this morning (90 mins ago) my daughter phoned me from the other side of the world and told me that she was beaten up last night by her ex partner. Their 23 month old child was present and my daughter suffered the abuse silently so as not to alarm my grandson. The police were called, she has just been to hospital and the case will go to court. His bail conditions forbid him to contact my daughter.
I am absolutely devastated. She has asked me not to tell her older brother or father who live in the UK near her as she fears that any repurcussions will impact on her, she wants to persue this through the proper channels in court.
She had not been living with her ex for many months but had maintained a reasonable relationship for the sake of their child.
My daughter is the most gentle and kind person you could meet.
I want to protect her and comfort her. I also want to see this nasty, horrible man suffer in some way for causing so much pain without resorting to violence.

My son is very protective of his sister and would certainly want to find this man and bash him. Her father would almost certainly take the law into his own hands.
I too have suffered from domestic violence so I can totally empathise with my daughter. Her pain is cutting through me like a knife. My first instinct is to return to UK (I live abroard) but then what? She is an adult and I cannot wrap her in cotton wool as much as I wish to.

Thank you all so much for your beautiful and supportive comments. It really has helped sharing this awful situation with you and through my tears I have read your answers.
My daughter and I are very close and she trusts me completely, if I were to tell her brother and father despite her asking me not to she would not confide in me again.
She has many friends who will offer her support, her best friend is a lawyer, so I know she will get plenty of good advice.
I will return "Home" in a couple of weeks and give her all the love and support I can.

I SHALL NOT BE CHOOSING A BEST ANSWER, ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS HAVE BEEN VALUABLE. THANKYOU.
3 POINTS I WISH TO RAISE THO'
FIRSTLY IT WAS THE EX THAT WAS THE PERPETRATOR OF THIS VICIOUS ASSAULT AND HE ALONE IS TO BLAME, MY PAST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ACTIONS.
SECONDLY, THERE IS NOTHING MASOCHISTIC ABOUT SUFFERING IN SILENCE WHEN AN INFANT CHILD IS WITNESSING HIS MOTHER BEING HEAD BUTTED, KICKED AND PUNCHED AT THE HANDS OF HIS FATHER...IMAGINE THE CONFUSION IN THAT DARLING LITTLE BOY'S MIND....AS MY DAUGHTER WAS BEING BATTERED HER FIRST THOUGHT WAS TO COMFORT HER BABY.
FINALLY, THERE IS NO WAY HER BROTHER OR FATHER WOULD STAND BACK IF ABUSE WAS SUSPECTED. I AM NOT STANDING BACK EITHER.
JUSTICE WILL BE DONE.
I WILL POST AN UPDATE FROM ENGLAND.

Answer 1

You are right not to tell others about what youre daughter has confided in you...she will be fine and things will get sorted out for her..I hope the beast rots in hell.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry to hear this. You must feel so incapable of helping. But you are not, she could talk to you as you are removed from the situation, unlike her father and brother. This must be a blessing for her, to have someone she can confide in. Now you cannot break this confidentiallity, however you must make sure that she is safe. I get the impression that her father and brother would take matters into their own hands and make the situation worse.

Remind your daughter that there are many services available to her, that can help. Also she should spend time with people either friends or family, to help her feel safe. She doesn't need to tell them why.

She should get a full restraining order, and by no means get back together with him. There is no such thing as for the sake of the child, its rubbish. Most children from divorced families will tell you that the worst time was when their parents were together and arguing or fighting, not when they decided to split. Being in an abusive household is no way to grow up, even if you are protected to some extent from it. Children pick up on these things and if you are not careful, the children can fall into the cycle of abuse. Statistics show that men who beat their partners witnessed their father do the same. And many women that are victims have also witnessed domestic violence at some point in their past.

I get the impression that your daughter is a smart girl, and will not be dragged back into a relationship with this man. However if she does, I would spill the beans to her father and brother about how he hurt her.

Answer 3

As any parent you are concerned for your daughter. I would take a holiday and go and stay with her for a while, this will also helps to calm your fears and probably help your daughter too. There was a reason she called you and no one else. If she has siblings near by she could of called them!
If it was my daughter I would be on the first flight out I could get and be there as support for her.

She is doing everything right by going through the correct channels but as we all know in this day and age the outcome is not always what it should be. She will need you there when it goes to court too.

I cant imagine how terrible it must of been for her and you must be going out of your mind. I am sure you will both feel better with a hug from each other. Telephones are great but are not a good substitute for the real thing.

Good luck and let her know there are people who do care.

Answer 4

I am so sorry. My daughter also was beaten up by her partner. It is so much worse for you because you cant go and comfort her. I think you must respect her wishes about not telling brother and dad. Their natural response would be to go and kill him! More violence will not help as you know.

All you can do is talk to your daughter on the phone and comfort her that way. She can also look on the internet for advice from women's groups.

I know that awful empty feeling you are feeling. I want to comfort YOU too, but there is little i can say.

The child is nearly two and although your daughter suffered silently, poor girl, the child will have seen what happened and knows it is wrong. Maybe it will be possible for it to be talked through with the child, or for the child to get counselled in some way.

I sincerely feel for you. I also wanted the man who beat my daughter up to come to justice - he did it to her in front of my younger daughter too but she is much much older than your grandchild.

Hopefully, the police and courts will bring him to justice. If not, then God sees all and is the final judge.

I pray you and your daughter and the little child find peace and happiness. I hope her injuries heal quickly.

God bless.

Faith x

Answer 5

You need to take some of the blame for allowing your daughter to live in a family where you were violently abused. History simply repeats itself.

Because of this she must have put up with this cr*p for years - thinking that a woman should endure the abuse for at least a little while!!

You need to tell her brother and tell her father and let them do what they have to do about it. It is likely that your daughter will not go all the way with the prosecution of her ex partner and you need to be there to make sure she does. Not simply to comfort and feel sorry for her. She needs to be ANGRY that his man had the balls to do that to her. So when you get to the uk, show her how angry you are about it and this will spur her on to be strong. Protecting and comforting her is not enough - and remember that this man may not necessarily go to prison for what he has done so you need to make sure that your daughter is able to handle things when you leave. ALSO, lawyers don't always give good advice and in this case - unless this lawyer works for the crown prosecution service and is personally prosecuting this man, her advice is worthless. I suspect that she is advising your daughter as a friend so don't feel comforted that there is a lawyer sorting things out while your abroad. Get yourself sorted and go to your daughter.

Answer 6

It is hard to say Through all their faults, my parents did a fantastic job. They raised 4 bright and successful children. We are all self reliant, have good jobs and treat others with respect and compassion. I do the best I can with my two, however at the age of 7 I really cannot determine what type of men they will be. I can only hope that I have managed to instill in them the same values my parents did which I carry to this day. Right now they are fantastic children. They are bright, kind and helpful. However I still have to make it through the teenage years. This is a question to possibly answer in another 20 years, when I have two young men who call me mom. Then I will be able to tell you more accurate what type of people I raised and then maybe I will have a better answer. However at the moment, I can hope for at least the same, and if possible exceed what my parents did.

Answer 7

As a Mom you must be feeling totally helpless especially knowing what its like. She knows she can talk to you because she phoned you to tell you what happened. The best thing you can do is just be there when she needs to talk - don't critisise her or berate her (which I'm sure you wont) just support her in whatever decision she makes. From stories I've read/heard it seems the punishment never fits the crime so if it were my daughter I would tell my ex/son and give that bast*rd a taste of his own medicine! I feel for you and her - especially now over the Christmas period. I hope things work out for your daughter.

Answer 8

I can understand your daughter not wanting her family to be involved. This is embarrassing for her. It shows that she didn't make a wise choice in this man. I'm sure that as a grown woman with a child it's also hard for her to admit that she needs the love and support of her own family right now. But the truth is, she needs it. When we go through hard times like these we need to feel grounded. We need to feel safe. We need to feel that our family is there to support us. I don't care what she SAYS. I don't for one second believe that's what she really wants. Had she not wanted the love and support of her family why did she call you? She is reaching out. It's a cry for help. The hardest part in the whole thing will be that your husband and brother understand not to try to retaliate but just to be there to offer love, support and protection for your daughter. The police can and will only do so much. They are not going to guard her 24/7. Who knows when this man may come back and take her life. He is less likely to do that if he knows she is being watched and supported by her family.

As a mother myself I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through this. My children are still young but I'm in tears just imagining the pain you are enduring to know this is happening to your daughter and especially with her being so far away. I'm saying a prayer God will give you strength and protect your daughter. God bless you and your family!

Answer 9

For now, respect her wishes and keep this between you two. If you tell your husband or son, not only will they react viciously to your daughters ex - which may land them in a great deal of trouble, but also you will lose her trust. and at this point in time, i think she needs you the most - as someone to confide in, and someone to support her. She's just found out she can;t trust her best friend - her partner, therefore she may most probably be questioning her other friendships aswell - so you are literally all she has to keep her strong for her child.
Let the courts handle it for now, but if her ex tries anything else, tell your husband and/or son. Personally, as a brother, I would do anything to get this guy, and would hate being left in the dark, and letting my sister get hurt - but for now you need her to trust you, so don't mention it.
Hope this helps, and best of luck.

Answer 10

Your daughter will learn from this and pick a better person next time. Why do you want to see him suffer?? Forget him, he will spend a few months in jail and will get beaten up himself, your thoughts should be for your daughters future well being and dont tell dad because the last thing you need is him getting on plane and kicking this guys **** and ending up in jail on the otherside of the world, then you'll be worrying about two people you cant hug

Answer 11

That's terrible. Just be there for her and let the courts put that coward away. I know you must be going mad because there is a baby involved. If she needs you to fly home than do so. Or maybe you can take the baby while this stuff is going on to relieve some pressure. I know you are far away but maybe a special trip just to give you both a little peace of mind..

I will be praying for you all, its a terrible situation.