soooooooo stressed out !?

Question

here is the thing , I have a 12 years old boy and a 4 years old boy. My husband works nights , so it is just me and the boys at home at night .. My 12 year old sits in his room all the time , when he does come out of his room the fights are on , ( with his brother ) the older on will screem at the top of his lungs at the little one , for evry thing. put it this way he is down right mean to him .. the older one loves to fight with me , he has such a smart mouth all the time .. the little one is starting to act like the older one ..I can tell them both to stop and they do not listen . until I get good and mad and start yelling on the top of my hungs , I have been feeling very over stressed . my chest hurts I can feel my heart deating almost threw my chest . I hate yelling and fighting every day , I feel like I want to get in my car and leave for ever .. I think I need some pills to help calm me down , All I want is to have a happy family and be able to talk to each other , instead of yel

Answer 1

You need to get your 12 year old out of his room, and into the family. Also, you need to calm down. These situations are only overwhelming when you dont know how to handle them. So you need to choose a course of action, find the resolve to get there for the sake of your children, your family, and your health, and then buckle down and get it done.

You need confidence in your roll as a parent, first and foremost. You're perfectly capable of choosing what behaviors are acceptable, and which ones deserve punishment, and you're equally as capable of punishing that poor behavior, and doing it correctly. You're a parent! You're designed for this role, and you're quite good at it. Its just being consistant. You need confidence in yourself to remain consistant. You children NEED you to be consistant, they NEED you to teach them, they NEED you to know HOW to raise them. They NEED YOU.

That said. Pull that boy out of his room, sit him down and have a nice talk with him. Take your younger son to gramma's first, or put him down for a nap, so you can have one on one time with your older son. I can say from experience that this behavior from your eldest is caused from not enough stimulating encouraging one on one time with his parents.

Explain to him how you have failed as a parent, but that you're going to change it now, because you love him more than life, and youre so proud of him as he grows up, but that you have failed to teach him how to be loving and compasionate. He's 12, he needs to know that not only is he accepted at home, but he's loved, but most importantly, that he's still a child, and still YOUR child. And that you care for him.

Explain to him that he's not in trouble. Tell him what becomes of boys who grow up into miserable hateful men. They end up without people who love them, they end up alone and sad, they end up hateful and hurt people they love, they end up in jail, they end up sick and dying from heart trouble, or they drink themselves to death. You dont want that for him. You want him to succeed, to be loved by many, and to be the best man he can be.

From now on You're going to expect him to be part of the family, to include his little brother and to have patience with him. You're going to expect him to act like a loving person, and if he doesnt there will be punishments. No more hiding in his room.

If he gets snotty and jerkish, dont worry. Just pug through, cover everything. If he wants to act like a toddler who throws hateful fits, then thats how he's going to be treated. Toddlers dont have computers, they dont use phones, they dont want tv all the time, and they surely dont go to friends houses. They stay home with their mothers and learn how better to behave.

Or they get spankings or time outs, whatever works best for you. Just make sure each punishment is the same each time the offence is committed.

Personally, I prefer a swat on the butt (yes, even at 12, theres nothing quite as effective at knocking a kid off his high horse as a spanking) A good reasoning talking to, and the removal of some sort of quality of life. Such as friends or electronics. BAM BAM BAM, every time, spanking, talking, taknig away.

There is no reminding at 12. There is no warning at 12. Sorry but there isnt. there is instant punishment. Thats consistancy.

You also need to teach him the value of siblings. Thats something that parents instill in children. YOU have allowed him to be hateful towards his brother, instead of requiring love. You did that. Not him. He simply expressed that emotion, and you allowed it to take hold. Now its your job to no longer tolerate it. You wouldnt let him have a gun. You wouldnt let him TOUCH a gun. You wouldnt let him become obsessed with guns, so why on earth would you allow him to even THINK about being hateful towards his brother?

He also needs to realize that he has a responsibility towards his little brother, that baby boy is always going to try to be JUST LIKE his older brother. And your 12 year old is setting a pretty piss poor example. He needs to know that.

Start with the eldest, and teach the same things to the four year old.

Answer 2

Oh my goodness. Please stop yelling. All it does it let them know that it is acceptable behavior - and it's not.

Does your husband back you up with the discipline when he is there? He must. If he is not - talk to him and tell him you need his support. When parents are not in agreement about discipline and consequences for children's bad behavior - the kids know it and take advantage of it. You and your hubby have to be a team - a child rearing team!!

Are the 12 year old and the 4 year old full brothers? Either way - the 12 year old is probably resentful of the 4 year old. He was an 8 year old kid and the world revolved around him. And THEN this baby came into the picture. It's important to give him some tasks to let him help his little brother. Let him teach him things. Tell him that you really really need his help. If the four year old is with a different father - that makes the situation a little tougher. The older boy may feel bad not having his Dad around and may feel like he is not loved by the step-Dad as much as the 4 year old - even if he is. He will need extra special care in this area.

What is he doing in his room? If he really likes it in there - then that is one of the priviledges you can take away - whatever he is doing in there. Smart mouth - no computer games for a day. Screams at brother - no phone priviledges for a day. And you MUST STICK WITH THE CONSEQUENCES AND FOLLOW THROUGH!!! You must! If you do not follow through with consequences - kids will walk all over you.

Also - make some rules regarding the 4 year old and when and how he is allowed to "bother" the older boy. It's fair for the older boy to have time without the 4 year old bugging him. Maybe an hour in the evening when they have entirely different things to entertain them. Stick to it too. It will make the 12 year old feel as if he has some boundaries and that they are respected. But - it can't be all the time - of course.

Also - I don't know how often you tell your kids you love them - or how often you praise them - but that is so very important. With the older one - you are probably feeling like there is nothing to praise him about - but you must find something. Even if it is the smallest thing - or something you are not interested in - find it - and praise him for it.

Do you put the four year old in the 12 year olds care? That should be minimal. Helping out is one thing - but he didn't parent the child and it is not his responsibility. I don't know if you do this - but it is a big resentment factor with a lot of the older kids in families - and understandably so.

Really - you must know that there are A LOT of families in America dealing with exactly what you are dealing with right now. Hang in there. I'm sure you are a wonderful, loving parent and things have just gotten out of hand. Remember - the first step is to talk with your husband and come up with the discipline plan. THEN- sit down and talk to the kids (all four of you) and tell them how it's going to be. and THEN- most importantly - FOLLOW THROUGH with the consequences.

No yelling! No yelling! No yelling! If you don't want yelling in your house - you can cut out a lot of it - when you just stop yelling yourself.

AND - remember to do this all lovingly. Love is what it's all about really - - isn't it?

Answer 3

The Older one is too big to be fighting with the younger one. You can make him stop by taking things away. Also, you may need some pills to calm you down, but remember the oldest was just that for 8 years, I have two boys and they are the same age difference. I can't believe they can actually find something to fight over, but amazingly enough they do. The little one will turn the TV off to irritate his brother. But you have to stand your ground. Also Behavior is taught. So don't yell, don't react at all. Put the older one in a time out, yes I said in a corner. If he wants to act like a baby, treat him like one. The rule is one minute for every year old they are. If this doesn't work also go to a behaviorialist, they can work wonders.

Answer 4

I can relate with your stresses, my hubby works out of town all week so Monday - Friday I am single Mom without any "quiet" time. And there are days when you just want some peace.
Don't start medicating yourself or dipping into the bottle...it won't help except make a bigger problem in the end. It sounds like your kids are missing your hubby...do they behave like this when he is around? If they don't then perhaps you need to start to behave more like your hubby...if he is stern then you must be stern...if he is their buddy then you be their buddy.
My son was acting differently when it was just he & I vs. when my hubby was home. So I started to incorporate some of Daddy's traits when we were alone. If he acted up then I got tough & developed a really awesome deep stern voice. We started to hang out more and now he respects what I say.
Now my boy is only 3 but he is quite the manipulator. It is nice to know that he respects me now and actually wants to be with me...sometimes more than Daddy.
Now as far as you...find an activity that relaxes your mind. Start doing Yoga or Pilates, anything to refocus your brain and to not dwell on the issues within your life.
Maybe sit down & talk about this with your eldest. He may not want to so don't push it, remain calm and try to start being his friend again. Twelve is a tough age and Mom isn't always the coolest person to hang out with but start to open those lines of communication before its too late.
Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Call Supernanny!
...just joking. Although family counselling may help.

But I would start demanding respect for authority.

The 4 year old can be give time outs...not in his bedroom and toys can be taken away earned back.

The 12 year can be punished...take priveleges away and have them earn them back. Chores, and activities together and can build your relationship. Maybe try and having a good talk with him will help discover why he is so mad.

The worse thing that can be done is you to join the yelling ( I know that it is hard and everyone does it so don't feel bad when I say it is the worse thing). Separate them) it stresses you out and shuts the kids down to communication. Hug them and tell them you love them, even if they don't want to hear it.

Answer 6

I feel your stress. I have a 15 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. The things that he yells at her and the stuff he says about her just break my heart! I had my family expecting everyone to love and care for each other. I know my son loves my daughter, but he refuses to admit it or show it 98% of the time. I never acted this way with my brother or my sister. I try not to blame myself, as self pity will not help. I have tried family counseling and that worked for a while, until my son decided that he did not want to partake any more. For the most part as sad as it is, I have to keep the kids separated. They have rooms on separate floors of the house. Luckily my son is like your older son, he tends to spend most of his time in his room watching tv or playing video games. When we have to go on car rides, i encourage both children to bring their mp3 players or portable dvd players, something that will occupy each, that will not upset the other.

Answer 7

That is normal 12 year old behavior. Let him have his space. If the little brother is bugging him tell the little one to give him privacy. Set up a game night once a week. That way you can have good time. Take time for yourself. You can make sure the kids are in their rooms before 830 and then light candles, take a bubble bath, read a book, watch a movie you've been dying to see.

Answer 8

I would try some family therapy and sit down with your husband explain everything to him, then hav him sit down with the boys and explain to them how they need to be calmer when around you and to give you some space. Maybe they will listen better to him. If you have an friends or relatives take a load off and have them babysit while you get some ALONE time :) I am a mom of a 2 year old and sometimes i get to feeling the same way and I call up my sister or my mom, and they are usually glad to help out!!

Answer 9

The next time the older one yells at you or his brother for no good reason, smack the crap out of him. Make sure the younger one sees it and tell the younger one that if he wants to get lippy, you'll knock his teeth down his throat, too. There's no reason to let this stress you. After a few times of your backhands across the mouth, I'm pretty sure things will straighten out.


ADDENDUM: Someone emailed me and asked if I was beaten as a child. Here is my response to her verbatim so you can understand why I feel this is a possible course of action:

Name deleted,

All I'm trying to say is that I was raised with spankings/corporal punishment when I did wrong. I nor my brother would have ever yelled at our mother like that because we would have felt the backside of her hand and we would have DESERVED it. Spankings and corporal punishment are not a bad practice if they are used to discipline and not to excess. Part of the problem with kids today is that everyone has been brainwashed into thinking that spankings are abuse. That and most parents don't care enough, or are too lazy to discipine their children. I was raised with corporal punishment and I think I turned out ok as a contributing member of society who has no criminal record and is very successful in life. My parents actually cared about me when I grew up.

Answer 10

let me ask you some thing from your child's point of view. do you listen to both of their storys and find out what is going on? or do you just get mad at one of them and put all the blame on one child? it sounds like you think that every thing is the older child's fault. some thing my parents have ALWAYS thought about me and my younger brother. (now 17 and 13). they would blame me for every thing and it made me stay in my room more and more, and when i do come out my brother says something, or does something and again it is my fault. my parents are always stressed out over it, but cant look at my side of the story and think that maby my little brother is at fault some times. in my parents eyes my little brther is and always has been "perfect". and me, well lets just say they treet me like the scum of the earth. it sounds like you are favroing the younger one and that in it self can cause more problems. and if it is any thing like my family then your older son will leave the day he is 18 and never come back. i am planing that move myself. just one more year of hell for me to go through.

Answer 11

well i hate to tell you, but once children get that age, it pretty much lasts throught out being a teenager. I was down right evil to my dad from about 11 to 17. Try talking to someone, like a psychiatrist, they may be able to give you ideas on how to manage your stress and deal with your children in a way that wont cause so much anxiety for yourself, and if it comes down to they can even get you medication to help calm you down. Maybe try talking to your husband and see if he has any ideas on how to help the situation. good luck!