Is your father your biological father?

Question

Did you find out your father wasn't your biological father?
If yes, how old were you when you found out/were told?
How did you react? Did you love your father less since then?

My son is now 4 and I am not his biological father. I am with his mom since she was 6 months pregnant. Am raising and loving him as my own son. It would really hurt me if he would change his way towards me if he would know he didn;t come from me.

What would be the right age to tell him. he is so sensitive and I don't want him to get hurt. But he needs to know the truth one day. Or should we just never tell him? Please only serious answers.

I am glad with all the good personal experiences I have read so far. It is eye opening and sometimes quite emotional. I already decided to tell him one day. Just not yet when. It's also a case of my wife and I together to decide. The greatest worry is stiil that is bio father was a married man and my wife (then his girlfriend) didn't know that. Still he also is a muslim threatening to make sure our kid will become a muslim one day. For that reason we emigrated to another country as kidnapping and honour killing is soemthing that could sometime happing within his backward kurdish culture.

Answer 1

This is really hard and I understnad it from personal experience. You will bring the child up as your own but unless you state from the get go that you are not the biological father you will go on being dad untill whenever. There's nothing wrong with this but suppose the child is nothing like you, both nature & nurture play a part here.
If you keep this a secret suppose you and your partner split when the child is seven. is it still going to be a secret, will the mother's family say, 'well he wasn't you father anyway'. That may be devastating. No matter what, relationships bring the worse out in some people and the children can be the sufferers, not the battling adults. Too many children are damaged by thoughtless parents who bicker.
What if the child needs surgery and only someone genetically suited can help, it may come out like that and then what at a time like that?
Suppose after a while, months, years or decades later the father wants to be involved.
Some people understand themselves through genetics, like the adopted child who had everything but still wants to meet their family. This is natural. It does not always end amicably but but it is a natural desire, nevertheless.
You sound big hearted so you can be a dad but do you want to run the risk of it all going wrong because you never said anything in the first place. After a while it is nearly impossible to tell a child this under normal circumstances. I've been there so I know. You become attached in all senses of the word and you may not want to lose that 'special' place in the child's heart.
Start as you mean to go on. Children are better off with some one like you who cares for them than an absent father who doesn't. Don't let your relationship with that child be based on falsehood as it may backfire in the long run.
Why do you have to say you're the father anyway, is it pride on your part or the mother's? Take it from me. It is the relationship which is important to the child, not the titles like father.
Good luck with this but it is not an easy one and I certainly don't envy you.
Can I also say that once you start the 'lie' there is never a right time to tell a child this if you haven't been honest to start with. You will not be able to say, I love you but I've been lying to you all your life, it will be too hard on both of you.
Peace

Answer 2

My father isn't my biological father.
My mother told me when I was 18. I was an emotional wreak for a minute but I didn't get along with my father at the time so it went away quickly. But no I didn't love my father less and now over ten years later I love him more than ever and am very protective over him. I never did try to find my biological father, sometimes I think about it but then I just keep putting it off. I have a father and I don't feel that I'm missing out on having one, so why try to find a man I don't know.
Now I think my mother did the right thing and waited until I was 18. But yes you should tell him, one day but not any time soon.
I'm also on the other end. One of my children don't belong to my husband and I've decided to wait like my mother did and tell him when he is 18.
Good luck!
Don't stress over it. You are the real father. It's not who made you it's who was there for you.

Answer 3

Hi, this is always a difficult situation, My boyfriend was adopted, but he new about his real dad as he new him before he was adopted, He just never saw him again till he was 16 years old. But your sitituation is different. I suppose if the biological father has no intentions on contacting your son then your son doesnt really need to know. But if one day the farther contacts you or your wife then you will obviously need to explain to him.
Ill tell you now, there is no way he will change his way towards you, if you do decide to tell him as for one thing you have been there through thick and thin and you are the only dad he has known so he wont know any different as long as you love him. If you want to tell him you will find the right time as your son grows up and you see him becoming more mature and then you will know he will understand. But it there is no reason why you should tell him when you dont have to if the biological father is long gone. But if you think its your right to and you think he should know then tell him.
When he finds out he may want to know where his real dad is, or how come he didnt want to know your son. or he may not even want to know. You know your son and you know how he will react. The other thing is your sone may be curious if you tell him that your not his real farther and he might want to find him or he might hate his guts and never want to see him. But this might hurt your feelings a little but im sure you will make the right decision.
As with my boyfriends biological dad at the age of 5 when he was adopted he could still remember vivid memeorys of his real dad, but your son has only known you so he will love you with all his heart. But if the biological father is in contact then maybe you should tell him so it isnt a shock if later in life he finds out.
All i say if the time comes to tell him then deal with it then. But the time may never come so just enjoy family life and as long as your son is happy and you and your wife are happy then stop worrying.

Answer 4

Anyone can be a father but it takes a special person to be a Dad. I can't speak from experience but you are all he knows, you are the one who will be there for him while he is growing up. I don't think keeping it a secret is a good idea because these things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads and it will be more hurtful coming from someone else. My brother told his "daughter" that he adopted her when she was about 8 - when she was old enough to understand. No matter what, he will feel a little hurt but you sound like a caring sensitive Dad and I'm sure when the time is right you will know exactly what to do and the right things to say but above all else let him know that nothing is going to change and that you will always love him. He's a lucky little boy to have such a caring Dad.

Answer 5

Sometimes, when you've raised a child since birth, it shouldn't matter to the child whether your his biological father or not.
You are the person who helped him walk
Who helped him talk
Who helped him ride his first bike
Who he would talk to about girlfriends
etc..

Its not your fault that you're not his biological father, neither is it his, its no ones fault, he should understand that
At 4 years of age children can understand incredibly about things like this, and at this young age i think its better because its less likely that he will go against you.

The boy needs a father, his real father isnt there for him, you are all he has, hes not gunna let that sort of thing go to waste

There is no "perfect" time to tell someone something like that, but do it when YOU think its best, timings are different for everyone

Answer 6

I have three different friends that was in your same situation.
MY first friend did not talk about it often directly to her daughter,but if it was brought up in general all of her life. So it never was a surprise to her daughter even thought her step dad raised her. She never even asked questions about her real dad until she was around 12. Her Mom told her what happened why she got a divorce . Divorce occurred while she was pregnant.
After getting her answers my friends daughter simply replied so my real dad was a butt head and that all she ever asked. She considers her step dad her real dad and could love him no less.

My other friend has not told her daughter. She is 12 now and I am afraid she will be devastated when she finds out the truth. She was 3 months old when her mom married her step dad and now she has noticed in their wedding pics she was already born and asking questions about that. We live in a small town and lots of people know who her biological father is. And someday someone will say something to her and she will figure it all out.
We dread when day occurs. I never did agree with keeping it from her.
My third friend found out her mom and dad was really her aunt and uncle at about age 11 and it messed with her mind quite a bit for a long time. She was in her 30s before she came to terms with it all.

Answer 7

More than likely, your Dad is your biological father. Your parents were together when you were born, right? They were probably just having trouble getting pregnant, and sought the help of a doctor to get pregnant. Please ask your Mom so you can get this cleared up and not have to worry about it so much! Since she told you how you were conceived, I'm sure she'll be honest with you about any questions you may have.

Answer 8

I knew my biological father, but my step father adopted me as his own and raised me from 3 years up, he was there when I first rode a bike, he tought me most of what I know today, his family exepted me as there own, and I think of him as my real Dad and love him to bit, I have no desire to see my bio Dad, ( I contacted him briefly as a teen, but that was curiosity) I have nothing to do with him now, I think you should tell him when he is old enouth to understand, but your love you give him will make a bond that even the real father cant break, so go for it, well done on you, hope he makes you proud of him one day because I know he'll be proud of you! all the best mate (shame there arnt more men in this world like you,)

Answer 9

I think it's a good idea that you have decided to tell him one day, you to decide when as you can tell if hes going to be able to handle what you are telling him and you also need to tell him about his biological father so he can make up his own mind if and when the time comes. Don't worry too much about the other things as long as the child knows that both of you love him and moved to ensure that then I'm sure he will love you both even more.....
Maybe God Bless your family. xxx

Answer 10

My Father is not my biological father. My biological father left us when I was just a baby and my sister was about 2yrs old. My Mom got remarried a couple years later and this is the man I know as my father. He adopted us as his own and raised us that way. He is the only Dad I've ever known and I am very thankful for him. The only thing I've ever wanted to know about my biological father is his health background. I love my Dad who raised me and was always there for me...he will always be my 1 and only Dad. Hope this works out this well for you, too!