How do I help my children with the loss of their father.?

Question

His death was almost 3 years ago and with the holidays passing they are missing him a lot and I don't know how to assure them of how they are feeling or how to help them understand some of those feelings. We lost him suddenly to cancer, from diagnosis to the time of his death was about 2 weeks so they never got the chance to adjust to him being sick or to get prepared for the loss of him. Also I don't know if I can actually help them because I never really greived when he passed I was and am still so angry that he was taken so suddenly. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. To add one more thing his parents are starting to shut my children out and treat them differently than before. It has always been that way but it has gotten worse, how do I help them cope with that?

Answer 1

I've found (through losing some people who were very close to me) that it really takes a full five years to get over the loss (as much as people can get over such a loss). Even when Dianne Sawyer had that thing on for the fifth anniversary of September 11 it was noted that this year the families seemed different than they had before. (Just backing up what I've noticed about the five years.) I'm not saying a person feels as horrible at four years at he did at one year, but it does take the full five years to kind of feel normal again.

Although it is now known that grieving is more complex than the previously established "five stages of grief", anger is still one phase of grief. It is generally said that people can go through any of the different stages of grief in any order and can get "stuck" in any of them longer than they are in others. You're in anger. It may not feel like grieving, but it is.

I think if you haven't done this already you should do some research on the five stages of grief, but more importantly, on "the revised stages of grief" or "updated stages of grief".

One of the best things for people is to be able to keep their minds busy and off the loss. I know some people feel this is "escapism", but sometimes a rest from the "heavy" thinking is what a person needs to rebuild some emotional energy.

You may want to consider all of you going to a counselor if you haven't done that.

I would think if you don't expect your children to try to go to bed before they can fall asleep quickly it would help them for now. Nobody needs to be laying awake and thinking right now.

I'm sure you've done this, but just in case.... Bear in mind that when people suffer it can be a worse kind of death. Maybe keep pointing that out to your children (when the subject has come up or else use a news story or tv program as a chance to off-handedly mention it).

What I've noticed about death is it is never (to say the least) "good". If people lose someone who is young or when they are young (or both) they feel short-changed. If we have someone in our lives for 40 years and lose them it can be harder to get used to a life without them because life with them was so long. If someone is young and death comes suddenly it is a shock. If they are sick and suffer it is horrible as well. The idea that has always helped me is to remember that we are all here on our own terms, all have our lives, and our time here. If your husband's time here was short you and your children need to just keep in mind that we all have our time (whether or not you're religious or believe in anything after the idea that each life has its own time is something most people get some comfort from).

Emphasize how lucky you were to have him for as long as you did, and try to remember that he knew you and the children loved him. Bear in mind he isn't suffering now, and bear in mind that he would want you all to rest your minds as much as possible. I've often found myself not wanting to stop thinking about the person for too long because it kind of feels as if I "should". I have had to remind myself that this person would want me to rest from thinking about it. There's always another day for thinking about it and "dealing with it".

With the holidays its always worse, so if things have kind of "picked up steam" recently remember that as the holidays fade away most of you will probably feel a little better.

I'm under the impression that maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to at least talk to a good counselor a couple of times by yourself. Maybe if you told someone you want to understand the process better, they'd know what you want from them and be able to give you some input. You could pass any appropriate insights on to your children.

I think when it comes to your children's grandparents you just have to make sure the children understand that they, too, are going through about the most horrible thing any parent could go through (no matter how old their "child" was); and if they're acting differently or odd your children need to understand that that's probably why. People do this thing where when something is so horribly, horribly, painful they may actually find it more painful (and too painful to bear) if they're in the presence of someone who reminds them of their horror. It doesn't matter how much they love the person/people who are reminders for them. It can just be so unbearable they may not be able to deal with it as often as they wish they could. They need time too.

This is the name of the person who wrote the updated grief cycle:

John Bowlby, a noted psychologist, outlined the ebb and flow of processes such as Shock and Numbness, Yearning and Searching, Disorganization and Despair, and Reorganization

You may want to do a search for his name.

Another thought: If your husband had been bedridden or gone through horrible treatments for a year or so before passing away you and your children would have a whole set of things to be dealing with related to that and the time when it was going on and things that had gone on and gone awful. Maybe try to bear in mind that at least he didn't have that, and at least you had time without knowing right up until close to the end. There's some version of a blessing in that.

Try to remember, too, that there are worse things than dying in this world.

Grief is like a giant cloud over a family, and each person has to find his way out of it by himself; but people (even the youngest of them and sometimes particularly the youngest) are pretty resilient. I think if you let your children know that they should feel free to always say what they want to say about it, no matter how weird they may think it would sound, that would help. Otherwise, all you can do it remind that that whatever they feel is something they have a right to feel and that soon they'll feel more like themselves again. Its so hard to watch our children in pain, but one day follows another and somehow they, like us, keep going. I think all you can do is stay the parent for them and make sure they know they don't need to become the parent now that their father isn't here.

Hope some of my ideas are somehow useful. Best wishes.

Answer 2

I think you should remind them of the GOOD memories about him. If you have any videos or pictures with him and the children, that would be great. Talk him up to the kids. Talk about the old memories of things that make you laugh. Tell them that he is now in a place where he has no more pain and has a beautiful home. Tell them that he still watches over them and when he sees them cry, he crys too. Tell them also that he does not want them to be sad, that he wants them to be happy and go forth into life knowing that they had the most wonderful Dad in the world and to be proud. Even if you yourself don't buy into all of this, it will still help the kids to cope with their loss. Also, coulsiling wouldn't be such a bad idea. I really hope this helps you and I feel for you!!

Answer 3

Well first and foremost I would like to take this opportunity to say how sorry I am for your loss, and I know the pain of losing a loved one. I know times can be pretty hard and you can get pretty emotional and upset at even the smallest things, but try to think of your children in every situation, good or bad. Some of the things that I would suggest doing on days when it seems the hardest is to do something that your husband liked, for example if he liked to fish you could plan your day doing that, or even riding bikes, something like that. As far as his parents are concerned, maybe they are also feeling upset and don't want to deal with anything that would remind them of their son. But when time comes let your children decide on wether or not they want to spend time with their grandparents, they are the closest thing to their father and they could help your children more than you know.

Answer 4

I know what you mean it has happened to me i recently lost my father and with the holidays it made it very stressfull for myself and for my son so what a good friend of mine advised me to do for myself, my son, my mother, my brother and his two children was to go by a helium balloon for each person make sure that there was enough ribbon on the balloon then to get a index card so that each one of us could write down what we were feeling on the card and then when we were ready to attach the card to the balloon and then let the balloon go into the sky and let the children know that their message is going to the sky where their beloved grandpa was and that he was going to get their messages so that with that it really does help to be able to write down what you are feeling.
this i know because i did it myself and it does help you with the loss of a loved one especially around the holidays and i encourage my family to talk about all the good times that we had with our dad.

Like with you my father passed away with in one week he was injured on the job and a week later we were planning his funeral because he had passed away due to complications from his injury
we had no time to prepare or to adjust to him being ill it happened suddenly

Answer 5

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I too lost my husband suddenly and my granddaughter, who considered him her "poppa", was devastated. I know it might sound strange but it's best to ask them questions about how they feel about it. Get them talking about him. Ask them to remember all the great things they did together, have them recall the things they loved about him and even the things they didn't like so much. Give them permission to cry. Sometimes kids feel that they have to act "grownup" because they don't want to upset you. Cry with them. My granddaughter thought that I didn't care about his death because I didn't cry very much in front of her. This would not only be good for them but it would be good for you because you need to get away from the anger and feel your loss.
His parents are having a hard time with their grief also. They may not want to be reminded of the death of their son by being around his children. See if they would be receptive to talking about their feelings about him too. They probably have no one to talk to about their grief and would welcome someone they could share their feelings of loss and even remorse with. A lot of people have feelings of guilt and remorse because of unresolved problems with the dead person. Perhaps you could all benefit from this kind of self-examination.
Speaking of guilt and remorse--a lot of people feel guilty because of the "what ifs" and "if onlys" that arise after someone's death. "What if" I'd made him go to the doctor every year or earlier? "If only" he hadn't been under such stress because of that fight we had. I know it sounds stupid but, believe me, that's exactly the kind of thinking that those left after a death do and I'm sure you're not that much different than me.
If nothing else, go to a counselor for a while. Everyone needs someone to talk to about their loss when someone they love dies.

Answer 6

You have to be there for them. During Christmas I miss my Grandparents soooo much. I'll think about them and it makes me happy when I remember how much they loved me. I feel blessed to have been their granddaughter. The pain never goes away. It does lessen. Talk about your husband, remember him fondly. Make it okay to talk about him and remember him openly. It is going to take time. As for the grandparents, shame on them. Don't you dare let them mistreat your kids. Tell them that if they don't love your kids, then you won't take them over anymore.

Answer 7

When life becomes unbarable, through death, divorce...etc. One thing is certain...if you act like everything is under controle, act as if life is full of promise...your children will respond in like. The way your inlaws are acting is their choice, you have no controlle there...what you can controle is how you respond to them...and your children will love and respect you for it. I know...I have been where you are.

Answer 8

It will take some time for them to adjust. You're doing just fine, they will get over it in time. They say time heals all wonds not just some. Let them know that he truly is in a better place, and your sholder is always there for them to cry on O.K..GOD BLESS...

Answer 9

Try telling your kids that there father loved them very much,and that is always with them.And he wouldn't want to see them down.Good Luck! And I am sorry for the loss of your husband!

Answer 10

you need to grieve, just be there for them don't say i know how you feel because you don't my 11 yr old misses his dad terrible its been about4 years we miss him together, there is no magic way but allow them their feelings. as far as the in laws shame on them you should tell them how much they are hurting your children, and explain to the kids that maybe they miss their daddy so much that it is difficult for them to see them, even if it is not true