I need fresh jokes?

Question

I need some fresh jokes. Not the ones you heard a few years ago, something that you know is new. I would prefer no children's jokes, also, no crude jokes, no cursing. Has to be for any adult audience.

Answer 1

Perfect Cure!...
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Worried to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, " Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."


Free Burial...
The president of a cricket club was also the local undertaker, and a dinner was given in his honour on his retirement. In replying to the toast to his health he said he had very happy memories of the club, he appreciated their kindness and although he wished them all long life and happiness if one of the members should die he would bury him free of charge.
There was a loud report at the end of the table and it was found a Scotsman had shot himself.


Parachute Jumping...
David Beckham is doing a parachute jump for charity. It's his first jump, so he's extremely nervous. The instructor calmly explains to him that it's all very easy - the minute he jumps out of the plane, the parachute will open automatically. Failing that, there's a personal pullstring, and if that fails, there's the emergency pull-string, and then it's all plain sailing, easy landing, truck to pick you up and back to Old Trafford for a hot bath and dinner.
David Beckham feels reassured. He jumps out. The automatic catch doesn't work. First pull, no luck. The second pull-string comes away in his hand. And David Beckham says:
"Bet there's no truck waiting either."


Bush Plays God...
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.


Pope Versus Lawyer...
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened.
St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."

Answer 2

An older couple go into a doctors and ask the doctor if he could check and see if they are performing sex correctly. He agrees and they strip off climb up onto the bed and have sex. When finished the doc says everything is fine they have nothing to worry about. Next week the same couple is back and requests the same thing. The doc assures them that all is good but they insist so he agrees to watch again. At the end of it he tells them again there is nothing wrong. The following week they are back again requesting the same. He protests and says there is nothing wrong and they can go home and do it there. The man says "well that's the problem doc. We are having an affair and my wife is always home and so is her husband, motels are too expensive but here we can do it and then claim it back on medicare

Answer 3

3 men survied a plane crash in some remote jungle, were caught by cannibals and will be eaten alive if they fail the test.

They had only one hour to search the jungle for 10 fruits which was the test.

So the first came back with 10 wild berries and those were shaft up his a*** and he passed the test.
The second came back with 10 apples and was screaming away when they shafted the apples one by one into him. On the 8th apple, he suddenly burst out laughing hysterically
because the saw the third man coming back with 10 coconuts.

Answer 4

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

Answer 5

A woman carrying a baby gets in a bus. The bus driver says:
(Oh my god! What an ugly baby!) Furious, the lady goes to the back of the bus and sits down. She then tells the man sitting next to her: (The bus driver has just insulted me!)
The man then replies: (Go tell him off! Here, I'll hold your monkey!)

Answer 6

3 men were walking in the dessert when they saw a huge castle filled with beautiful women, so they went inside and lets just say that they had a "good time" (wink, wink) and a cuple days later the king comes to the castle and finds the men with his women so he tells the gaurds to lock them in the dungeon.the next day the king goes to the first man and asks "wat do you do for a lliving?" "i'm a fiream"said the man, so the king burnt his dick off.then he goes to the second man and asks him the same question, and the man says "im a police officer", so he shot his dick off.finally he gets to the third man and asks the same question, and with a sly grin the man says "i'm a lollipop seller"

Answer 7

aint u able 2 make ur own?

well, this sucks but here u go

an american goes 2 France and says "j'aime travailler" tryin' 2 say he likes 2 travel. and they hand him a mop and broom.

travailler= "2 work"

Answer 8

thats nice to know. you could google online jokes

Answer 9

"Yo momma is so fat she got a tattoo of a kitten on her left boob, and when she takes her bra off, it's a tiger!"





Krazy Libra

Answer 10

Did you hear about the new coudoroy pillows?......there making headlines