Getting back the love of your life after she leaves you for someone else...?

Question

I recently lost the love of my life after dating for nearly 3 years. I've been a complete wreck, my mind spins 24/7 looking for a way to get her back...

I go to college. We live 4 hours apart. So we only got to see each other on breaks, usually one or two weekends a month sans major holidays. I made some mistakes, I admit. I said some things I shouldn't, and I have to say I made an *** of myself a couple times. I didn't show I cared as much as I should.

So suddenly she says she doesn't love me anymore and loves someone else. I was completely in the dark, and had no time to react, her mind was already made up. Apparently she had been pondering this for months.

It breaks down to this. I love her more than life itself, and would give anything for her. We're friends, and still talk and see each other a bit. She loved me for a time, but now has a new boyfriend who seems infallible. Help?

More about all this here (will update to responses):
http://www.nwizard.com/nmaster/yahoo_help.html

I'll get this out of the way right off the bat:

I love her. I can imagine life with nobody else. I will not, and cannot, let her go. I'm talking about I would rather die than to live a life without her. Every woman I've loved has left me for someone else, if not cheated on me. I don't even think I could trust another woman.

I want her back, and will get her back or die trying. It's my only true goal in life now.

The problem with the "ignore them" and "make them jealous" options:

This was my father's suggestion, he claims it works on the whole female species (I call that sexist, but whatever).

Unfortunately, it doesn't work here because the way she feels now she honestly wouldn't care. She'd probably give me a nice "good for you" and wouldn't be bothered. Afterall, she's got Mr. Perfect for a boyfriend, she's not gonna dump him because she's missing me, which I doubt she would anyway.

My great fear about not seeing/speaking with her much is she'll simply forget about me. Also, I don't know if I have the mental stability to not speak with her. Just going a day without talking to her I start to go crazy...

I honestly expected there to be at least someone who backs up the idea of chasing after love...

@Sarah - Thank you for such a wonderful response, even if it's not the exact answer I want to hear. I appreciate real thoughtfulness. I'll point out it's been a month now, and she began dating him the day she broke up with me.

As for why I'd want to be with someone I have to bend over backwards for? I can't explain love, but it's just what I feel. I'd cut off an arm, a leg, I'd pretty much kill myself to be with her. It's just nothing to me compared to the agony of being without her. I'm very aware it's not normal, the comments further prove that. All I know is what I feel, which is that I can't live a happy life without her, and can't be with anyone else.

If I held hope for getting over this, I wouldn't ask. Most probably assume me either insane or just caught up in emotions, but if you knew me you'd know I'm very serious about sacrificing my lifetime to getting her back...

I will continue my course then. I'll be her friend and do my best to spend time with her and talk to her...

However I'm going to back off in the sense I don't want her to feel I'm being clingy. I suppose I want to act like I've somewhat moved on, even if I can't. I hope to find a chance to tell her how I feel, but at the same time perk up and keep moving, and make sure she sees that. I'm sort of combining my own feelings and my father's ideas: not really moving on but showing her a much more desirable me (versus one that's crying at her feet).

I guess I'll stick to my own plan, to try to gain the knowledge and skills to help her achieve her life's dream. I'll just hope and pray that in my time acting as her good friend, she'll remember why she fell in love with me to begin with, and hopefully something can spark again.

Just why did THAT GUY have to move in across from HER? Jeez...

Answer 1

After reading your story, and as a woman myself, I can only say to let time go by. You do seem like someone who is very much in love, but the wound is fresh, and unconciously, you could be mixing up diverse emotions of love vs. pain vs. longing vs, solitude, etc. If she told you that she doesn't love you anymore, it most probably is true. I know it's hard to understand that someone can stop loving another when you shared good memories, but her heart detached itself before your ever did. While her new boyfriend may not have been the cause of your break-up, something was. Love shouldn't be complicated, it just is. Love isn't perfect, you must learn to accept your mistakes and realize they are not what made her leave. What made her leave was her heart that shut you out, as much as she might still respect and love you greatly as a friend. Maybe you thought things were right when they were not, you probably missed important signals in the end that were there. I don't know how much time exactly went by that she started dating the other guy, but that's an important aspect that can clue you in to a lot. If it didn't take long before she started dating him, then he most likely is the cause of your breakup. If not, then her love for you slowly vanished. You cannot try to break up a couple, and nothing in the world that you're gonna do is going to make her come back to you. You must understand that SHE herself must be the one who comes back to you willingly. And why would you want to be with someone in the first place that you have to bend over backwards to try to win back? Think about it, it's not normal. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. And don't think she does because she still is with her boyfriend. When she'll want to be with you, and that's if, she'll come back to you. Let time go by, your emotions will settle (as hard as it is to believe), your mind will clear up, and so will hers. You'll truly know if this girl is your true love or not. Who knows, you might even meet someone new by then (as hard as that is to believe as well).

I truly wish you peace of heart, you seem like a genuinely nice guy, and remember that a heart does heal. You'll be fine, no matter what happens, I just know it.

I feel so bad for you, don't hesitate to email me if you ever need to discuss this further. Until then, hope all goes for the best,

-Sarah
xoxoxoxox

I hate to tell you this, but if she started to date him the day you guys broke up, he is the cause, I'm 99% sure. You can't just turn the page on a 3 year relationship in the matter of hours and start loving someone else. Impossible. Unless her heart really had left you before. I really wish I could tell you ways to win her back, but as mentionned previously, the only way you can win her back is through her heart, and her heart will only be directed again back towards yours with her own will.

The heart has no ears. For you and for her. Remember that.

-Sarah

Answer 2

You are a chump for still wanting to "be friends" and "hang out" while she has a new boyfriend. It is possible that you might have acted better to her during your relationship, but she has already decided that even if you could have, she does not want to be with you. Yet you are still letting her do whatever she wants and walk all over you.

I went thru this same thing many years ago in college, so I speak from experience. Move on, it will seem like the harder choice at first but you will feel better about yourself in the end. The pain you feel now is part of the change that is taking place in you that will make you a stronger person. One day you will probably see it as a good thing.

Meanwhile, just find new people, new things to do, new girls, etc... And once you finally have things half in order, I wouldn't be surprised if your ex did come crawling back as mine did. I would not give her a second chance if I were you, although I did and later regretted it.

Answer 3

I can relate. Nothing like the pain of having your heart ripped from your chest by the "one you love" and can't live without. Guess what? Eventually, after the rock in your stomach starts to dissolve a little, you will realize, "Man, was I pu**y whipped or what?" We all love 'em. We've all had the only "one" that knows how to get "me" going. Guess what else? There are more where that came from. Seriously, dude. Go rent yourself a good Sam Kinison video, He will definitely inspire a different attitude towards the "fairer" sex. To quote the great one... SAM, I mean. "We're still friends... OH! I get it, basically, we do all the things we used to do, and I get to pay for it all, it's just that we don't F*** anymore. Right?" Forget about being friends. Walk away proud. Women like puppy dogs, but they don't... well, I think you know what I mean. Women can also sense desperation and that "I just had my heart ripped out" attitude that we (men) give off, when we've just had our hearts ripped out. If you made an a** out of yourself... So F******* what. We all do. That's what we do best. The right one (woman) will love you anyway. Good rule of thumb, though. Always treat a woman with respect; never be physically or verbally abusive; Don't call her 20 times a day; and... always display confidence, (even if you don't have any). I don't know what else to tell you, other than this. A person doesn't just "stop" loving. If she said it, it was probably never "real" to begin with. Passion and love go together, but they are not the same. Move on, cut all ties and enjoy your freedom. It's an amazing feeling when applied properly. The oldest saying in the book is the only truth there is when it comes to love... "When it's right, you'll know it." The hairs on the back of your neck will stand up before you even "see" her. Trust me... you'll know, and this too shall pass. Take care.

Answer 4

That college thing really bites, doesn't it?? The whole thing.. hours apart driving distance.. all that. It does hurt after 3 years dating I can agree with you on that.. you make so much of an effort (and maybe she did too) to see each other when you could, where you could.. and you all probably met the parents and family and all that for holidays.. and it all just goes south big time. It SUCKS!!!

All you can really do (it seems to me) is take the bullet in the head, and do your college thing and finish and all that good stuff.... (and when you think future wise... it disturbs me too...) is perhaps make good money in a job if you can.. marry someone that you once again feel you're really in love with, just to possibly have them turn around and go for someone else.... and take you to the cleaners on it.

How lovely life is, eh? I wish you the best of luck.. I need it, and seems like you do too.

Answer 5

I think you should wean yourself off her and let her go because it's so obvious that she has moved on already with her new boyfriend. 2007 is around the corner so why waste anymore emotions on her? Your new girl could be waiting in the new year too...

I understand the depth of feelings and emotions involved, but you can't make someone love you if they won't. Take the last few years as a lesson learned and get on with your life. It's not the end and there are better things to come, you just have to go out there and get it.

Answer 6

i don't even have to read your response... as I can see it is already too long for your emotional good. when you dedicate this much time and energy to one thing, you are going to get burned.

If you want to get the person back, you do the opposite of what you think you would. You dont' buy flowers, you don't write poems, you absolutely do not call.. I KNOW! crazy.. it sounds crazy, but this is what you need to prove to them. You need to show that you are a strong person and you don't even need them! Wow! think about how awesome that is... if you were looking for a great woman, do you think you would be looking for that girl who is constantly calling and depending on you? Nope.. because us humans, we are looking for a bit of leadership in ourselves.. as we look for this in ourselves, we are seeking it in others.. whether we know it or not. Maybe half the reason is because we sometimes feel weak ourselves. If you want them back, don't be needy. Go take yourself out somewhere nice. Treat yourself better than you would your other half.

Answer 7

You can tell her what you just told us now. But be prepared for either a negative or a positive response. Your honesty may not necessarily produce the outcome you want - that is, to get her back.

At least, once you've told her exactly how you feel, the ball is in her court.

Answer 8

You don't need her..I'm sorry, but just try n' get over her, this isn't healthy at all, maybe you guys shouldn't be friends..I mean if she doesn't love you no more then just be strong n' try to go on..it's hard but you gotta do it, just know you'll find someone else, this isnt the end of the world..even if it seems like it is at times..don't worry, it'll be fine, you'll be fine :)

Answer 9

I h8 hearing about guys all crazy over some girl. Dear boy learn a lesson. Nothing lasts forever. Remeber her fondly and move on. the only person you should want that badly in life is you.

Answer 10

I know it is hard. But things happen for a reason. Your mind is blinding you to the truth. Maybe you are better off apart or maybe not. If you want her back fight for her. But when a woman's mind is made up....good luck!