I have a problem and need some advice.....?

Question

I am married and have 2 sons ages 23 and 17. They both have behavioral and mild mental problems. Here's the problem. Both of my sons live with me. My 2 sons do'nt get along together. They fight constantly. My oldest son doesn't get along with my husband and there have been physical fights between them. My husband has had enough. He said my oldest son has to go. He is disrupting everyone's life with his attitude. He draws a disability check, not a lot to live on. The only place he has to go is to a christian shelter. He has lived with us for the entire 10 years we have been married, with fighting just about every day. My health is not good and it is affecting me negatively. I love my sons and my husband very much. We have never had a marriage without all the controversy from my kids. I feel so bad about this. Should I feel guilty and bad about this? What would you do?

Answer 1

I think that you need to follow your heart. You are not helping your son by enabling him. If something would happen to you, where would he go? Do you have other family members that he could rely on?

I don't know the situation that your family is in. I don't know the severity of your sons' illnesses. If they do have mental problems then you should speak with the social services your state provides or your family doctor and see what suggestions they have. They definitely will have suggestions on assisted living houses that your older sons qualifies for.

I think that if your son is disrupting your life and it isn't safe then he needs to find other arrangements. There is ALWAYS other solutions, sometimes they are hard to see though.

Your husband gave it a good 10 years, I think that he put in his time.

Where are your sons' fathers?

I think that there are other options then a shelter IF they have diagnosed disabilities.

Goodluck. SD

Answer 2

You are a wonderful mother if you are worried about this, nevermind that iLL Mama dame.

You need to worry about what is best for your oldest son. It sounds like he needs to find a place that will help him with his behavioral and mild mental problems. Maybe a Christian shelter is the right idea. Maybe there he would be able to get the influence he needs. However; if you have even the slightest feeling that he may not get the help he needs there, do not send him there.

Your husband needs to understand that they are YOUR children and they should come first. Your children are more important than a husband that you've had not as long than you've had your children. He has no say in what YOU do for YOUR children. And also realize that, because they are your children, your choices effect them greatly. Understand, as I'm sure you do, of course, that even little mistakes can scar a child, no matter the age.

Don't let your husband talk you into doing something with your kids that you aren't sure about. You make the choice, not him, and if he doesn't like it, you can find someone more worth while.

I give you and your family my love and good thoughts,

-Baby-

Answer 3

At first, you don´t have to feel guilty and bad about this unless you want to, which I don´t think you do.
Have you ever tried to figure out why there are these fights going on? I would try to figure out what it is that makes them fight every day. And then go from there. Maybe it is something that could be solved easily?
Other than that I don´t know how much the disability is effecting your son but maybe he should learn to stand on his own feet. There are a lot of people out there who are disabled but doing their life pretty good by themselves and don´t even want any help. Maybe there is a way for him to find an appartment where you and your husband even can support him but so he can live by himself and the trouble would maybe get less?! But even if he moves out it doesn´t mean that you have to stop supporting him, you know what I mean. I´m sure and I truly hope you all will find a way to live in harmony with each other no matter to what solution you will come. But you really don´t need to feel guilty and bad. You should do something yourself what makes you happy!

Answer 4

Depending on your sons' official diagnosis there may be help available. Contact your local United Way, they usually have a comprehensive listing of EVERY non-profit agency/service in a county. There may be a work training, halfway house or something appropriate to your son's particular issues. They could also give you referrals for family counseling. And yes, this is a FAMILY issue. Even if they are not your husband's biological sons - he took on the responsibility when he married you. Often, children, no matter their age, act out deeper issues of the family.

With professional guidance you may find a way to have healthy relationships all around. They will always be your sons, and it sounds like you need some new approaches to dealing with all the demands everyone puts on you. If nothing else, you may want to find someone to talk to, to give you a different way to deal with the men in your life. I wish you all the best. :)

Answer 5

well you have a real problem here...Is there any place in your town where you can get an apt according to your income?I know that government apartments will let young people live there that has disabilities..They let you get one of those apts according to your income,my brother has one and its nice.You might could get the 23 year old in one of those....The 17 year old needs to be home,however the 23 year old is still young.I think your husband is stressed but he married you with these boys and he needs to help you make decisions too,he can,t just throw them out,but i can see your marriage is in a bind with all this going on....You might could place your 23 year ols some place ,ask MHMR and they might have some suggestions...I have a son the same way but mine is older than yours so its not as big ofa problem as you have,,,God bless you and hope everything will work out for you.

Answer 6

I think there may be more options available to you. If your health is getting worse, you are not going to be able to take care of any of them and in the long run, you will need to search for more options for your sons. Ask around and ask the government offices.

Answer 7

I believe that I would have to tell your son that he would have to go also. I'm sure eventually he'll chill out. He's probably experiencing some rebellion that a teenager may have. But it's not fair to make everyone else's life miserable because of his attitude. Don't feel guilty or bad about this. You're doing ok. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 8

Wow...if he has a mental disorder, you may need to talk to a social worker in your state social services department and move him into a state sponsored program, where he can get some medical attention, such as medications, that will allow him to function better with others. You as his mother are NOT equipped to handle such needs, so you may have to look into a state mental facilities. This is a tough one...but he is going to ruin everything in your life if you don't get him the proper attention he needs and it is NOT you. Once he gets the proper medical attention and counseling than he may get to move on to function properly with others and move on to positive relationships of his own. Plus once he's able to function better, than he'll have a better relationship with you in the future. You need to be strong and do your homework to look up such programs to meet his needs.

Answer 9

expensive Jess, I choose there replaced into an common answer to those themes. money and how this is dealt with has a tendency to be a important subject in the two Christian and non-Christian marriages. St. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5:21 that we are to place up ourselves to one yet another in the phobia of God. this is unquestionably greater handy reported than finished. In my marriage, it has taken 5 years to devise a gadget that works for us and retains money disagreements to a minimum. I had to grant a splash (i'm the saver) and he or she had to grant a splash (she's the spender). nonetheless our gadget isn't appropriate, whilst 2 everybody is keen to artwork collectively there is wish. this is important that the two one in each and every of you come back up with a plan for saving, spending, giving, etc. which you the two believe. Marriages succeed whilst the two one in each and every of you could ask for forgiveness and forgive one yet another. then you definately can artwork on the issue and not one yet another! in case you have issue working a plan which you the two agree on, seek on your pastor's suggestion, a financial counselor's suggestion, or deliver me an e mail with some greater specifics and that i would be chuffed to attempt to help. In Christ Jesus, gloria-dei

Answer 10

You guys should have done this 10 years ago when you got married.......family counseling.

They will counsel each of you individually and as a family.

This may solve your problem.