Having a bad day, need a good laugh! Give me some Jokes!!?

Question

I really need to laugh hard! Please!!!!! Anything funny!!!!!!!

Thanks! Feelin' better already! My fav so far was the Clown one! I hate clowns! hehe

Answer 1

The Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner & fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep,

he hears a strange sound. The next morning,

he asks the monks what the sound was,

but they say, We can't tell you.

You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway

and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down

in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him,

even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange noise

that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is,

but the monks reply, We can't tell you.

You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right.

I'm dying to know. If the only way

I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk,

how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth

and tell us how many blades of grass there are

and the exact number of sand pebbles.

When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task.

Some forty-five years later,

he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth

and have found what you have asked for.

There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass

and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations.

You are now a monk. We shall now show you

the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door,

where the head monk says,

The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob,

but the door is locked. He says, Real funny.

May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it,

only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks,

who provide it. Behind that door is another

door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through

doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say,

This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door,

turns the knob,

and behind that door

he is amazed to find

the source of that strange sound is...

But I can't tell you what it is because

you're not a monk.

DON'T HUNT ME DOWN BECAUSE

I'M STILL HUNTING THE PERSON

WHO SENT ME THIS!!!!!!

AGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHH!!!!!!


(I got this in an E-mail [I AM NOT A DAD])

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
>(This one is worth passing on.)
>
>This one is for everyone who ...
>
>a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to
>have kids.
>
>I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
>having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
>"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
>
>Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
>in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat
>them.
>Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the
>bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
>
>I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
>
>She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Answer 2

A man walks into a vets office with a bad stomach pain and ask for help. So the vet agrees and brings him back and lies him on the table. He brings in a Labrador retriever and the dog walks around him and nods his head. Then he brings a cat in and the cat walks around the man and then the cat nods. The doc asks the man to get up and walk to the nurses station and pay the nurse the charges. "my bill is 500dollars!!!" replies the man."you didn't do anything". The doctor looks at the man and says on the contrary, you had LAB WORK @ $200 and a CAT SCAN @ $200 dollars and an office visit of $100 dollars .PAY UP!!! ha ha hope this helped!!!

Answer 3

They were starting construction on a new Church. They were starting work on the higher floors now, and to get up there they used this cage-like elevator. It worked just fine, but you had to remember to close the door behind you or the elevator couldn't move. Well, what happened was, one day this guy named Peter took the elevator to the very top, and forgot to shut the elevator. The priest, who was supposed to go up and look around, kept pressing the call button to no avail.
The townspeople were treated that day to the sight of their priest yelling up into the air, "Peter! Close the gates!"

That always makes me chuckle.

Answer 4

why did the blonde jump out the 70 storey window?

a. because she wanted to see if her Pads had Wings.

----------
There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

Answer 5

What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?

Damn.

----
Two camels walk into a bar. One looks at the other and says "you wanna hump"

---

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks "does this taste funny to you?"

Answer 6

Jessica Simpsons answer to why the chicken crossed the road:

Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived by the sea?

Answer 7

Haha woww that was completely unexpected!