do i tell him?

Question

My father found out last year he has a terminal illness and in the last few months has went downhill rapidly .Ive always been close to him but the opposite would be an understatement where my mother is concerned.Some of the things she says and does you wouldnt think a mother capable of and i would go as far as to say i really dont love like or care about her.My dad knows how i feel and has always been supportive (she treats him just as badly)now she,s doing the grief stricken wife thing and yet after his diagnosis i asked her how she was answer "worried sick i dont know how im going to manage financially" my dad has now asked me to try and resolve my issues with her "for him" what i want to say is that ive tried and tried for years and now i couldnt care less or do i pretend to make him happy knowing after he,s gone i,ll never see her.Please dont judge me on how i feel about her im sure if you knew her you,d know where im coming from.

you know what, i expected the usual cheeky smart answers and some of you lovely people have just made me cry..

Answer 1

Put yourself in your dad's position. If you were dying and you son couldn't stand your husband, how would you feel. After all your father still is with her for one reason or the other. He probably loves her despite all her evil and he is dying. Do you think he will have peace if he knew that you were never going to see your mother after his death? Probably not... You could try a few more times to resolve or the mend issues with your mother, he deserves that much, I believe.

Answer 2

I think your father is concerned about the fact that after he is gone, your mum might not be able to cope, and that may be a significant factor in trying to get you to make your peace with her. She has already told you she is worried sick about finances - she is probably going to need some help and perhaps what they are both looking for from you is the reassurance that you will help take care of her affairs.

I think it is unlikely that your dad would expect you to be able to put aside your differences with your mother after all this time, but tell him that you will make sure your mum is all right and will help her in any way you can. I think this may be all he is looking for. And think about this - despite her failings, your dad still loves her and wants the best for her, so there must be some decency in her somewhere. Perhaps now is your opportunity to look closer and see if there is not someone in there that you could learn to love because whern all is said and done, family is family and they are there to support each other. Your mum will need support in the coming months. You will feel better about everything if you know that you have done your best for both of them.

Answer 3

God, I thought I was the only one going through this! This just so uncanny. My mum always treated my dad badly but loved him madly nonetheless. My dad loved her unconditionally. I had trouble coming to terms with all that before and after his death. Just beginning to let go now...

It is hard for you because you're in the middle of it all and greatly hurt by it, but try and detatch yourself just enough to give your dad what he wants -what a great gift before he goes! You have to respect his love for her; I'm sure he's not blind, but it's his choice: he loves her.

You don't have to take any nonsense from your mum, though: calmly tell her that you don't like the way she speaks to you or whatever it is that she does that hurts you -the calm and cold tone will reach her far better than an upset tone (which she'll likely take as 'whining from her daughter', am I right?)
Practise that on your own before you do it with her. It takes a lot of courage, you can find it in yourself, just like I did.

Spend quiet time with your dad, recalling all the fabulous moments you had together; it's even more precious now.
I'll be thinking of you, good luck, sweetie, be brave!

Answer 4

Perhaps your Dad wants you to resolve your issues with her, as he would feel a lot easier knowing you had someone to depend upon once he has gone. I am sure deep down he does understand your issues, and is probably torn between the fact that he won't be around for you! I think you should be honest with your Dad .... he may be ill but he needs to understand what you are truely thinking and feeling. Tell him you would do it JUST for him, but if it were up to you on your own, you wouldn't give it a second thought! Its a hard one ... but you must follow your heart and your emotions! Best of luck to both you and your Dad.

Answer 5

You poor thing, as if it isn't enough to have your Father ill with something that's going to take him away from you, you have a bit.ch of a Mother...what a selfish cow she is.
For your Father's sake & to demonstrate just how much you love him I'd tell him that you've thought about his request & because you love him so much...you will try & get along with your Mother, I'd even go as far as to say that I'll always try to get along with her...however, when he's gone...so I'd be gone from her too.
Unless of course in the meantime she realises her ways & things do actually improve...although I can't see this happening I'm afraid..
I'm so sorry for you Sweetie, to be going through this awful time plus to not have the support of your Mother...but that's how some people are & there's not a lot you can do to change that..
No-ones judging you Babe, just because a woman happens to have given birth to someone it doesn't give her automatic rights to be truly loved & cared for...that has to be earned along with respect.
I can understand the contempt that she's bred in you & quite honestly she's brought it all on herself...Is she jealous of the relationship you have with your Father? some parents do feel quite jealous when a child comes along & takes the attention away onto themselves...twisted but true.
Don't listen to all that old hogwash about families being families blah blah blah....families are made up of people & people should show respect, care & love to one another if they wish to be treated that way in return...it isn't a right of parents, grandparents, brothers/sisters, children to be automatically loved. We all have a part to play in keeping families united...family members that abuse that right lose any of the benefits too. You have enough to cope with without being made to feel guilty about your Mother's behaviour, She's responsible for herself...just because she's your biological Mother it doesn't give her any right to behave badly & expect to have you loving her whatever...You probably do still love her...(in the true sense of the word) but that doesn't mean you want to have anything to do with her or that she's good to be around.

It's going to be difficult for you but keep strong for your Father & share these last moments you have together...he'll be so proud of you..what more could he ask for...

Answer 6

I've a family with similar dysfunctions. I suggest you accept who you are and who your parents are. If you've tried to make "peace" in the past to no avail, I would think that there are unmovable forces at work here. You can't be friends with everybody, unfortunately that often times, includes your family members too. I personally believe that you can love a family member without necessarily having to spend alot of time with them. Bottom line, I would suggest that you have "peace" with yourself, that you're fine with the status quo. If you horde ill feelings and deep-down-bitterness because of your unfortunate relationship with your family members, it is in your best interest to resolve this by meeting with a therapist or whatever. After all, these type of feelings will surface one day and in the meanwhile it will poison other relationships you have with people. Just my experience...

Answer 7

I think since you have tried in the past and she obviously isn't going to make it any easier now. And you don't need the added stress of trying to have a real relationship with her now, with everything else you are dealing with. Just go with the flow and get along with her when the three of you are in the room together for the sake of your Father. So he can have some peace. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Don't tell your dad anything negative right now allow him to believe you are working on it. God bless****

Answer 8

In this world, we only have 2 real biological parents. They have looked after you in your infant years when you were too weak or unable to to do things. One important aspect of this life is to make our parents proud of us....... so that they can pass away happily with us. The three major religions in this world; christianity, judaism and islam all say that you should honour your mother and father. Dont tell your father porkies, try and try and try again - dont stop cos one day you will know that you are a better person than her for you were the one who kept trying for the love of her father.

Answer 9

All mums can be a pain in the butt but your main focus right now should be on spending every second you can get with your dad, have plenty of laughs with him, make sure your last memories with him are memorable, deal with your mum later.

And when it does come to dealing with your mum, just talk to her, explain your feelings, your her daughter, she should understand. Do remember though, shes the one who brought you into this world and took care of you, give her some credit for that.

Answer 10

No one can tell you how to feel, try to ease his woes I guess..Maybe later on you could try to salvage a relationship with your mom...I not sure what all is going on between you and her..and I am not going to tell how you should feel, not knowing this, just try and be there for your dad, and see how things go...I hope you all the luck in the world...My dad died the same illness, he walked out on my mom and a house full of kids, but I put my feelings aside and tried to be there for him...Pray for strength and guidance. May God bless you..