My boyfriend recently went to confessional about a week ago, and NOW after 4 years of us being sexually involved, he is deciding that he wants to become celibate. He wants to be a "a good and moral person" and has decided that this is the way to get into heaven. He can't understand for the life of him WHY it is such a big deal to me. He insists that he still wants me just as much, etc etc (and for the record I'm decent looking enough). My question is -- do any of you think this is f***ing batshit insane as well? I'm so angry I dont know what to do...I want to marry this guy, but he's saying we can't get married until his finances are in order-- ITS BEEN 4 YEARS....advice people? Please be serious and not so snarky, it's tearing me up. (also, I'm not religious, but he is and I respect his beliefs, but will he necessarily rot in the bowels of hell if we continue to have sex in our monogamous relationship?)
2006-12-28 04:45:42 · 33 answers · asked by celticpixie79 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Update: Thanks for the answers guys....from everything he says, he really wants to be with me...that's not what I'm doubting...I just dont understand why NOW....he said that before he was afraid to go to confessional...but he picks NOW of all times...I just dont know what to do...he said I'm making him pick between me and god -- how unfair is that? the thing that really frustrates me is that he is actually SUPRISED that I am upset..
2006-12-28 04:56:50 · update #1
BTW we are both 27 years old, and in stable, good paying jobs. And NO it's not contridatictory to both respect the fact that he is religious, then to be UPSET when he wants to change the dynamics of our relationship overnight after one conversation with a preist!
2006-12-28 04:58:41 · update #2
Maybe you have become disgusting and undesirable to him? This has nothing to do with religion, and everything to do with escaping from you.
It's VERY clear that he's using this as an excuse to get away from you, and you are too dense to take a hint, and insist on trying to find ways to spin it so that it's not your fault. You can justify it all you want by saying that he still says he wants to be with you, but believe me, he doesn't. YOU ARE HISTORY! He has absolutely no desire for you whatsoever. Oh, you might be able to whine and moan and get him to hang around a little longer, but if you don't go away after this, he'll find another way to get rid of you, or he'll just leave. Believe me, it is over.
2006-12-28 04:48:33 · answer #1 · answered by tycobb9999 2 · 3⤊ 6⤋
Pastor Billy says: Catholic teaching is sex outside of marriage regardless of it being a "monogamous relationship" is a sin.
If you respect your boyfriend's religious position than this change in your dynamic is a non-issue.
As a young woman ask yourself this, is your relationship based on sex or love? Love is more than sex. When your old and grey is sex going to hold the relationship together? Wouldn't it be the ideal if all couples had the foundation of strong friendship? The problem today is an over influence of secular atheism that has changed the moral terminology to foul people into believing everything is okay.
The real question here is if you truly love him and you say he truly loves you than affection without sex is present in your relationship and you won't feel any less loved. Why not try something old that is new. In the mean time work on him to become even more committed and put a ring on your finger.
4 years is a long time and if your ready and he still isn't time to move might also be the answer.
2006-12-28 08:06:46 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
It sounds like one of two things.
First, he may be running full speed away from commitment. That would be the charitable explanation. He just doesn't want to be the one to say "I don't" first. Possibly he's afraid, possibly he just wants to keep you in reserve, possibly it's some sort of self image where he wants you to be the one to break up.
The second possibility is much more of a problem. He may have gotten religion. For a man to give up sex it sounds like he's gotten it bad. You need to consider what life will become like with him if you do stay together. Will no sex before marriage turn into no birth control after marriage? Turning you into a breeder may be part of why he wants to get his finances in order. Can you live with your children being raised as good catholics - church and CCD (catholic Sunday school) every week and maybe catholic school as well? Can you live with them believing you are going to hell? And so far, we're talking pretty mainstream. There are a lot of repressive and coercive beliefs that he might already have or could pick up. Beliefs about a woman's "place" or about proper and improper behavior. My advice would be to find someone more normal.
It's always hard when something doesn't work out, especially after four years.
Good luck.
2006-12-28 05:03:30 · answer #3 · answered by Dave P 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
How can you say that you respect his beliefs, while at the same time calling his wish to be celibate "f***ing batshit insane"?
It's obvious, from your "insane" comment, that you don't respect his beliefs at all. Stop pretending that you do. You clearly don't.
I'd say your boyfriend is being smart by not wanting to get married until he's on more stable financial footing.
Yes, it's been four years -- but if you truly loved him, you wouldn't mind waiting a bit longer. You guys are only 27. What's the big rush?
Your boyfriend is trying to become a better Catholic. You say you respect that -- but you have a very strange way of showing it!
Calling his attempts to be a better Catholic "batshit insane" is NO way to show him support or respect. How can you say with a straight face that you respect his beliefs, while you trash them with "batshit" comments at the same time?
Your boyfriend is doing fine. I think it's you who needs the attitude transplant. No offense.
2006-12-28 11:20:20 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Do you want to know why Catholic priests are celibate?
Because in the Middle Ages people typically had many, many children, and this was expensive.
The church pays for the priest's living expenses. When the priests were allowed to marry and have children, they had huge families, and the church had to pay for it.
So they didn't let them get married anymore. There's no biblical reason. It's just money, like everything else.
PS-- Just because you respect his religion doesn't mean you don't have needs. You still have needs, and he is not meeting them. Whether or not he has a "good" reason doesn't change that fact.
2006-12-28 05:41:46 · answer #5 · answered by Elizabeth L J 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I honestly wouldn't worry about it.
If your relationship can't stand the loss of the physical aspect then perhaps your relationship wasn't as strong as you thougtht it was to begin with.
That being said, perhaps it might be in order to have an open conversation with him on the topic. Perhaps you could all talk about this with someone who he respects (say his priest) and try and come up with an option that will still allow for a sex life and him not burning in hell.
2006-12-30 11:26:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...
Unless you're stinking rich you'll never be financially in order. So tell him to quit make excuses and marry you already.
We all sin but because of grace, if we have faith and believe in God, we don't have to worry so much about hell. We're never going to be perfect. We don't change our sinful nature on our own.
Coming from a catholic background he has been brainwashed into believing the lie about salvation from works. He needs to read his bible more and quit relying on his priest to tell him what the bible says. I think it would be a real eye opener.
He's probably being convicted by the Holy Spirit to do what is right. I know, been there done that. My and I wife did the same thing. Sex with anyone besides your spouse is sin but just like anything else is forgivable. However, that act alone is not a deal breaker between heaven and hell.
We are saved by grace alone. Our only part is to have faith in Jesus. He alone is the only one that can save. We cannot get into heaven by our own works.
I suggest that he reads Romans. Don't use the King James. Its outdated and hard to read. Try the New Living Translation or the New American Standard Bible (more of a direct translation.)
If you love this guy have patience with him. Remind him that being celibate doesn't make him any more holy than the man on the moon. It will just makes him horny... If he truly wants to get into heaven then he needs to have faith in God, admit that he is a sinner, and believe that Jesus was God's son that came to earth to die for our sins. God does the rest.
Also, tell him to quit being an idiot and marry you already.
2006-12-28 05:03:49 · answer #7 · answered by Emperor Insania Says Bye! 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
If you are serious, and you say that you are, here's the deal. He has gone to confession and sought forgiveness for what his religion believes is a sin, premarital sex. The condition of forgiveness is that you "go forth and sin no more." Well, being human, we will sin but it's expected that we will have the intention of not doing that same sin we just confessed. Otherwise, our confession wasn't for real if we just intend to continue doing it. Yes, according to his religion's beliefs, he will go to hell if he commits sins (this one and others) and is not truly sorry and seeks forgiveness. You don't want us to be snarky, but you are calling the core beliefs of your loved one "f-ing batshit insane" and asking if he will "rot in the bowels of hell." Why do you want to marry him if you don't even respect (let alone share) his core value system? Would it be okay with you if he just has to do his time in an upper balcony of hell, instead of rotting down in the bowels, for goodness sake? How do you ask someone to trade eternal suffering for your personal immediate gratification? I know it would be difficult to make this change after 4 years, but accept the fact that people DO change. This may have been weighing heavily on his conscience the whole four years. If you can't accomodate him with this change now, how will you be able to adjust to the many changes that occur over the long period of a lifelong relationship of marriage? I think you need to give serious thought to whether or not you are committed to being in a serious relationship with him. If you feel the need to mock his beliefs and can only see how they are an inconvenience to you, then it will only become more difficult if you have children together, trust me. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I can see why you feel you got a raw deal, but a person's core beliefs will always trump any superficial behavior patterns, so he has to come out on top of this one. Sorry.
2006-12-28 04:59:47 · answer #8 · answered by Rvn 5 · 2⤊ 3⤋
My first question to you is, how old are you? Depending on your age, the best solution might be to go ahead and get married, if that is what you both truly desire. My second question is (assuming that you are over 20) if you've been together, why haven't you gotten married after four years? There will always be money issues, every couple has them. Money should not be more important to him than you are. Tell him that if he wants to be celibate until you are married, you will respect his decision, but that he should respect your wish to set a date for the wedding. I hope everything works out for you.
2006-12-28 04:54:35 · answer #9 · answered by Cylon Betty 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I think it's a good idea. The biggest difficulty is probably accepting someone's religious convictions when you aren't living the same way too. If he waivers at all it will be very difficult for you to accept a yo-yo come here go away game. Either you can accept it as part of his path in life or not and then cut bait. Another thing to considder in the married realm in respect to sex is what other ideas he may have that won't appeal to you, possibly regarding birth control- huge factor to consider. Maybe he isn't the man for you? Do you want to be subject to Catholic dogma, it will be ruling your life even though you never became one.
2006-12-28 04:48:30 · answer #10 · answered by squirrelbabygirl7 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
It is a difficult situation. People do live by their beliefs and some times it is very difficult for others to understand.
Your BF may have been in a very difficult situation between his beliefs and actions. It is possible that his beliefs are now more powerful.
You say that you respect his beliefs. Obviously you want to maintain the relationship and culminate with marriage. Does he care for your happiness and views. Are his beliefs more important to him more than your views, needs and happiness.
This celibacy thing may be only the tip of the iceberg !!
Think, what do you rally want?
Take a rational decision
2006-12-28 05:16:10 · answer #11 · answered by topbakamuna 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋