My 88 year old grandmother is recovering from a stroke and in front of my mother says I hear you're eloping... I did not respond...then they BOTH proceed to go on and on about all that I'm missing out on, etc., all the while I have not even told them my definite plans of eloping.. I just keep telling them no date has been set or plans made, but they know I am really set against a wedding due to all sorts of family drama (my parents are divorced).
My grandmother said, please, please do it for me..get married in a church, I want to be there, etc., the only thing I could say to that is since when are you religious? ... you go to church to play bingo! Trying to joke around and get off topic... but she was quite persistent ... After about 10 minutes of that, I was like enough, I really gotta go now.. and that was that.
So, now I'm thinking that maybe I just won't even tell them what our plans are for next winter.... just pretend we are going on vacation and come back married.
2006-12-28 04:25:56 · 16 answers · asked by Reserved 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Families have a bad habit of turning your day into theirs. I think you should do whatever you want, but don't think you are avoiding a guilt trip by not telling them. They have the rest of their lives to hold it over you that you didn't include them. I love honesty - it is brutal, but difficult to argue with. I suggest you tell all those you care about your plans... not the when and where - just the outline. If you don't care if they are there - tell them they can come, but you aren't footing any expense or providing any entertainment. They can come watch, and then see you later. That will provide them the opportunity to be there, and when later they complain you can remind them of the compromise you made because you love them so much. If you don't want them there tell them you will get married, but they will not be there. Tell them that you cannot handle a stressful wedding and that you want to start your life together in bliss - and if they love you they will support your wishes. Maybe a post marriage, coming out reception or dinner would appease them. Don't ever crumble and have a big wedding for anyone but yourself though. It is a nightmare to plan and be in when it is what you want, let alone when it isn't what you want.
2006-12-28 04:56:15 · answer #1 · answered by autonomous 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Always have the courage and character to stand up for your actions. What seems like a great big deal today will blow over as soon as the next thing comes along. A year from now you will wonder what the big deal was and will have a really hard time trying to justify having kept it a secret at all.
Or, you can spend the next year in a lie and be asking this same question....still.
It's your life but living it in a closet sucks. You have to give people, 88 years old or not, credit for having been around the block a few times and having seen a few things. You don't need to protect anyone older than you from anything. They could teach you a few things if you open up, confide, get the tears and tantrum out of the way and then just relate like adults, instead of children who have done something wrong and are on the run.
It's your life, live it in the sunlight and in truth and try not to manipulate what other people think of you. You would be surprised just how seldom people actually do think about you.
Good luck bride!
2006-12-28 04:36:58 · answer #2 · answered by Liligirl 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The very nature of the word elope is that you just go off and do it. You tell people about it afterward. Keep in mind that you get married for yourselves, not for anyone else. (Not even you Grammy, who I'm sure you love.) You can have a nice reception upon your return, if you like, in order to include everyone in your happiness. Or, if that's the very thing you are trying to avoid, then when you come back, take Grandma out to dinner somewhere very nice and tell her that you wanted to be with her to celebrate your new marriage and that you would both love to enjoy the benefit of some of her years of wisdom on marriage and life and family.
Don't allow your family to make you feel guilty for having the kind of wedding you want to have.
2006-12-28 04:29:56 · answer #3 · answered by Rvn 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
They'll see the ring eventually. No telling required. When you approach a person with the intent of telling them something it implies an expected response. So if they're more inclined to get out of hand than they are to be happy for you, they'll get out of hand beacuse you expect them to. I wouldn't tell them about it, that way anything they do will be at their own leisure, with you holding the capability to pass it off just as leisurely as they have to bother you with. All in all, it's a matter of what you find most important. If the dying wishes of your elderly grandmother matter to you, then get married in a church with the family drama, atleast you'll be able to look at her grave later and feel you did the right things and that she'd be happy with them. But that's not what life is about, life is about your own happiness because you'll have a grave of your own one day. So if it's what you really want, come back married. Soul search to find what's important, then listen to your heart.
2006-12-28 04:33:09 · answer #4 · answered by Answerer 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's what I am doing. I am off in March and getting married, no battles, no jealous girlfriends, no hassle. When I get back they will have gotten an announcement in the mail and we can celebrate later. If your going to elope it is meant to be a secret. if your getting married and people know about it, be prepared for everyone's best inentions of advice. Listen kindly, and then plan what you want anyway. this will happen again when you have kids. Good luck!
2006-12-28 04:31:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Apparently you are an adult, so do what works for you. It's your life and your marriage and if family is pressing you to do something you do not want to, then definitely leave that topic alone.
Once its done, they'll have to accept it. You can always throw a party (kind of late 'reception') afterward so family and friends can celebrate with you and share the joy. That might help keep some people from feeling left out or slighted that you didn't want to share your "big day" with them.
2006-12-28 04:29:47 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, I went through that because we were planning to get married and found out my step-daughter had luekemia. So we changed our plans and decided to go to St. Thomas, and have a small wedding there. My mother felt so bad about not being there, I had to plan my wedding in two months on a ridiculous budget. It turned out okay, but really, you would being going through all the trouble for your family. Its supposed to be about YOU and HIM. Remind your family about that, and tell them that they can throw you a wedding later on if it means so much. But in the end, its not about them. You have to do what makes you both happy. No matter what you do, however, they will always nag you about it. You can never make everyone happy when it comes to weddings.
2006-12-28 04:35:29 · answer #7 · answered by Sweet Belly 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what you have to do. But understand there will be A LOT of hurt feelings. Make sure elopement is EXACTLY what you want. You can't get married again.
Despite the fact that your parents are divorced, they ought to be able to set their hostility aside for a few hours, should you decide to plan a small wedding. G'ma would appreciate it. :)
2006-12-28 04:49:01 · answer #8 · answered by weddrev 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
"So, now I'm thinking that maybe I just won't even tell them what our plans are for next winter.... just pretend we are going on vacation and come back married."
See, that's what eloping is! You can't PLAN an elopement. If you plan it, then you're planning a destination wedding that you aren't inviting anyone to.
2006-12-28 04:29:24 · answer #9 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You know what is a good way to get people off a subject- MONEY. Ask them if they are going to supply you with 20,000 dollars to have a church wedding and reception. In fact, call you mom up and ask if she will be sending you a check and is grand-mom giving you the other half??
I had a fight with my mother about inviting all my dad's family to my small wedding so I ask her for the check for $5,000 to cover the cost and that ended that.
2006-12-28 04:46:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋