How far would you lower your dating standards?

Question

Say (for example) that you are absolutely against smoking weed. You have no desire to do it, be around, and for sure definitly not date someone who does it. But what if you met somebody and you fell for them and were really interested in a relationship, and then find out they they are pot-heads. Would you be willing to overlook it, or would it constantly be in the back of your mind? This goes for other things too....like....if you wanted your "mate" to have a diploma (either high school or college) and they had no desire to, could you just forget about it in hopes that this person might be "the one". Don't we have "standards" for a reason? Do you think most peoples standards are set WAY too high and we're being picky? Is that being selfish, or do we have the right to want what we want and not settle for anything less?

Answer 1

Like a lot of things, there is no black and white answer to your question, it depends on what you want and why. For example, if you don't like pot and don't want to be around it, this is probably just using good judgement. Hooking up with someone whose life-style is at odds with your values is never going to work out. Either you'll try to change them (futile) or feel violated because you became involved with someone who is making life choices you don't support. This is OK because using drugs is something that is just fine to say, "I don't want in my life". The consequences of using drugs is far greater than if you were hesitating because someone eats broccoli and you don't like it. The same is true on the degree question. If someone does not exhibit their committment to making good life choices by preparing for the future, you are not eliminating them for a capricious reason. Considering your future and your welfare in this future is again, just good judgement. The two examples you gave are NOT about someone being picky. They are about making a considered opinion about where you want your life to go. This is terrific. If your examples were, "he's blond, I want a brunette", or "he likes action movies, I don't" then you would be considering trivialities. As it is, you are making clear, rational, good choices. Don't change that.

Answer 2

To lower or change a 'standard' is up to the individual. If the criteria we require in a potential partner is reasonable, then no...I don't think we are "too picky". And we have every right to be selfish in this situation because it is OUR life we are affecting. Why lower our standards to help someone else be happy, if they are not really who we want to be with? That's just foolish and doesn't bode well for a healthy or lasting relationship anyway...so we really end up doing an injustice not only to ourselves but the other person as well.

I don't believe in "the one"...there are MANY potentially great partners out there for each of us that desires to have one. However if a high school diploma is something you decide is a requirement for someone you date, and you meet someone who does not have one, then they are not a good match for you. You choose to make something important or an issue. Perhaps that tells you they are not ambitious, or that education isn't important (whereas it may be very important to you).

Why settle? Settling won't help us be happy, we'll always remember we "settled" and the qualities about our partner that we settled for will nag us worse and worse over time. On the other side of that, would you want to be settled for? Would you be kewl with knowing that your partner isn't head over heels crazy about you but s/he figured "you'll do"? No me....that's not good enough.

Answer 3

Wow I am going through the same problem as you! This guy i like is a pot-head, and although I used to smoke, i don't anymore so the idea of it absolutely disgusts me. I AM giving him a chance to see if he IS the one. Pot won't help him in the future adn he knows that, most pot-heads do. I think that after we get closer and he grows up a little more from the immature -pot-head- stage then he and i will have a good relationship.

so i gues my answer to your question is that if you give someone a chance you're not lower your standards you're bending the rules for a possiblity for a chance. You don't need to lower your standards, just be open minded before closing someone off. I know it wont be easy to look past the smoking adn drinking or anything else. But love has no boundaries so neither should our standards.

Hope I helped you out, if you ned anything else email or message me.

Answer 4

There is not perfect match. You most likely have the proverbial list of things you want in your mate. Great! Knowing what you want is good, but knowing why is better. Place a priority on these items and determine what you are willing to negotiate. Say you want a blonde and you meet a brunette, hey how important is hair color? If you want an intelligent person to mentally stimulate you, and you decide they have to have a degree so they have a well paying job. Now if you meet that intelligent person who has a well paying job but no degree, you have to ask yourself why is the actual degree so important. Is it the degree or what it represents that you value more? Calvin Coolidge once said, "the world if full of educated derelicts."

The best advice I can offer is do not marry someone thinking they will change. Timing is everything, the worst feeling in the world is to feel you married the wrong person. Be patient and resonable, get involved with people who share your values. Odds are if you surround yourself with others who share the same value system, you'll meet someone available.

Answer 5

This is where you have got to be able to do something that most young people are incapable of doing. You must be able to judge prospective mates OBJECTIVELY and without emotion. Believe me when I tell you that if you are a good person you will be able to click with many people out there. Do not underestimate the pool of people who would love to be with you. What does this person’s future look like? Is it something you want to be a part of? Having no diploma means that you will most likely have little financial resources in the future, which is fine as long as you are prepared for that lifestyle and the stress it can bring. There is nothing wrong with being poor, but I would rather be successful. Smoking pot will inevitably lead to a lack of effort and a lot of unrealized ambitions. Again, not the end of the world as long as you are prepared for all the stress that comes along with that behavior. Pot heads are not evil, despite what you may hear from the anti-drug propagandists, but you must realize that you have a choice! I think if there is behavior that you would keep hidden from your grandparents, then you need to question whether or not it is good for you.

Answer 6

Since you can't change anyone else, look at yourself.

1. Do you fall for people you believe you can fix or rescue?
2. Do you fall for people who aren't up to your level?
3. Do you fall for people who are "perfect" except for this "one thing?"

If so, then the answer isn't about standards-- it's about facing the fact that for one reason or another, you do not want to be in a healthy relationship. If you always pick the high school dropout, for example, then you may have a need to feel better than them and to always have an excuse to end the relationship. Or, you can position yourself as thinking, "But, I WANT to get married!! It's him that has the problem."

There's a wonderful book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that looks at all of this.

I would encourage you to read it.

It sounds like you're setting yourself up for failure before you ever begin-- it's very common and once you recognize it, you can attract the person into your life who will enhance it.

Good luck!

Answer 7

so are you saying that there are no cool guys out there who don't smoke dope or have a degree?!? You can change your standards if you want, whenever you want. They are a guide to find what you want, but then you set them for a reason. maybe now, at this point it may not be an issue, but if you are talking marriage, then it may become an issue at some point. Some times love will overrule our love guide, but there are times when we need to recognize the issues that we will not tolerate. I can't tell you whether or not your standards are high, only you can. obviously it set off an alarm so you might want to listen to it. If you are just dating, then have fun and learn and maybe you'll change your standards or maybe you'll raise them even higher. Does the guy have a decent job or is he carrying his wieght financially? Smoking pot is one thing, being a pot head implies that he has a god who is leafy and green. Its only a problem if you feel it's a problem. This sounds like a guy I know. He a cool guy, but he could have used the drive to finish something. He never did, never had to do so, and it carried into his life.

Answer 8

I've been told that my standards are way too high...which I find shocking. They're not. I just want a guy who of course graduated high school, college is optional but great. Over 18 is a must, have good hygeine and treat me with respect...thats all I ask. But apparantly, thats way too much for any guy to fill...so I guess I'm SOL. I refuse to lower my standards. Probably any guy can fit the bill...right? Basic requirements.

Answer 9

Of course we deserve what we want. I can overlook a couple of flaws, but if I'm adamantly opposed to it, I won't be able to stand it. On the other hand, I've raised my standards so high that I believe that all men are wrong for me. So maybe I'm really not the best person to talk about this.

Answer 10

We all have the right to our own standards.

Personally, I wouldn't lower my standards that much. If it was something I realized I was being just too picky about, I would forget about it.

But if it's something like smoking, I would definitely not take that out of my standards. Because that affects your HEALTH... and if you end up with that person, that affects your life as well.

Some people ARE too picky... even with the little things. And some people ARE selfish.