How do we remove my husbands mother from our lives?

Question

I think she has mental health or personality problems. Her viscious verbal attacks on me/ us are out of control. When she is at family gatherings, everyone is on tenterhooks, just dreading the onset of her complete lack of self control. Every time we are abused by her, we ignore her for a few weeks, but she persists in contacting us (being oh so reasonable, telling us that we really are quite unreasonable). As soon as we see her again, the trouble starts. It is affecting our mental health, and we are seriously doubting our sanity- yet we don't have such problems with any other friends or family. We dare not live our lives for fear that she will find out what we are doing, and subject us to yet more screaming abuse.
Last time, her screaming and shouting at us was so awful, it upset our 2 year old terribly, and I vowed never again to let that happen. She arrived unexpectedly at a party recently, and shouted at me in front of everyone. Everyone was just cringing with embarrasment

Answer 1

well it's one thing when she's gobbing off to you, but when it upsets your child....that's the time to put your foot down and stop it for good...tell her under no circumstances does she come any where near you or your family again, if sh does not changethen do it, cut her off, what a nasty old woman she is....change your number and do no contact her again, don't let her know what you or your husband is doing, tell her nothing, also tell your husband to have words with her, she is bang out of order...how dare she....she is making your lives hell, so the best thing to do is block her out...don't allow it any more...treat her like she treats you...see how she likes it....she has a serious attitude problem, she needs to be taught how to use her manners, shouting at you in front of everyone is terrible, but frightening your shild is uncalled for...you should have asked her to leave right there and then...i would never tolerate that behaviour from anyone, let alone my mother in law...mine was the same...in the end she was cut out from my family...my kids were scared of her, and because of that, i banned her from coming anywhere near me and my kids...she had no heart, she was the coldest person i ever knew and from what i hear..she is still the same, i am so glad she's an ex now....you have to stop her from ruining your lives and the only way to do it is to cut her off....i so feel for you both, it must be terribly embarrassing for you both....don't allow it any more, shout back next time she does it...put the boot on the other foot....she won't like it but it may just shut her up....good luck.....

Answer 2

Some people over use the term 'mental health' and as soon as there's an emotion being shown, 'oh, they must be mentally unbalanced'. I do apreciate that it cannot be easy for you at all. It must be frustrating for the rest of the family also (2 year old). Think about it, someone who gets cross easily and shouts alot are not happy. If you're not happy, you're feeling down, alone, jealous? Could be any of these.........I'm not defending her for you but these may be reasons why she acts the way she does. Try chatting with her over a cuppa in a relaxed environment. Go to a cafe, just you and her maybe...........hope this helps, good luck and you sound sane to me!

Answer 3

I'd cut her dead, totally ignore her pleading for at least six months. Tell her you're so mad at her behaviour that you don't trust yourself if she's near you, and hang up on all her calls. Then tell her in no uncertain terms that if she comes to your house, it's on your terms, and if she violates those terms, she won't be invited round again... ever.

If you let her get away with it, and keep inviting her back, she has no incentive to change. If these attacks are precipitated by drink or any other trigger, then it's obvious that she must undertake not to drink in your presence.

If it's a recent personality change, i.e. within the last few years, then maybe call to her in a quiet moment and persuade her to see a doctor.

If this is the way she's always been, keep well away from her! Why would you subject either yourself or your family to that kind of abuse!

Good luck!

Answer 4

My good friend had to do this with her own mother. After seeing a counselor to help give her some confidence, she calmly and firmly told the mother that they needed to spend time apart until further notice. She felt guilty, but after a year or so the mother started to show some respect towards her kids and my friend had enough nerve to calmly put her in her place if she started making comments.You sound like you might be hesitant to confront her, but part of being an adult and a parent is to be assertive in dealing with family members that are doing you, your husband, and your child. Hopefully your husband will be in agreement with you on this. After telling her that you need to spend time away from her, don't answer her calls, and if she shows up to a party or whatever, then someone, preferably your husband, will have to tell her to leave. It's not up to you to take care of her mental health issues, either. She has to recognize that she has problems and decide on her own to address them.

Answer 5

Your mom could have a thyroid sickness triggered my perimenipause or menopause. Say this to her in a letter and tell her which you're prepared to get relatives counseling together with her after she gets her hormones checked. that's amazingly elementary. Fried green Tomatoes grow to be nothin'. My acquaintances have long previous over the deep end. You pee in a cup for 3 days in a row and take a check out the temp of your pee. no be counted if that's close to ninety seven that's thyroid. otherwise that's possibly progesterone and devoid of that hormone you may get NUTS. i would not have accomplished the key element yet a letter. that's already accomplished nonetheless so write her the letter now and tell her you will see her with a counselor who knows psychiatric themes. solid success. IF she is easily nuts there may well be a drugs that turns her frequent. actual.

Answer 6

If this is a one sided "want her out of your life" then I am afraid that you will be fighting a bit of a loosing battle unless you can convince husband that after marrying "YOU" should be his main priority and that of your children

Now if it is two sided then that is easier. Put simply "tell her to keep away" often easier said than done.

Put it politely but firmly and make sure that she understands your request. If that falls on deaf ears then firmly but forcefullytell her, if that fails then you may have to lower yourself to her level and shout with the same ferocity as she does to you

I had good in laws and never had the problem and I now hope that my wife and I are good inlaws to our children's marriages

Good luck with it. Remembering that this is your life now and it is all far too short to devoting time to wasting it

Answer 7

man thats tough thing to deal with.it sounds like your dealing with a child with a bad temper(needs a spankin' just joking).
just ignore her as hard as that maybe.it sounds also like she's showing off likes the attenchen from the family and friends.
i think maybe if the others step in ,either at the moment she starts
or even later on when she's by herself and tell her what a jerk she's being .then maybe she'll stop..
also searously not having nothing to do with her for months ... get caller id and screen the calls .if she chases you or your family down tell her i'm sorry but i can't deal with the way you treat us in front of people. you may have to stay away from some family funtions for a short time but in the end people will tell her
she's wrong and needs to stop....maybe she'll be embarrest for her actions..if she's got a heart.

Answer 8

Ignore her completely. If she turns up to a family party uninvited to shout at you - don't even look round when she walks in. Don't react to her at all. She's only being like this to get a reaction out of you both. Shes obviously a very sad old woman. However, if you totally ignore her she will begin to feel stupid and realise that her behaviour is pointless. If that doesn't work, change you number and move!

Answer 9

Why are you giving this women so much power in your life? the bible says Honour thy Mother and thy father, but it doesn't say lie down and let her walk all over you. You need to establish some ground rules with her, think of it like training your two year old, there will be certain things you will let your chi;ld get away with and certain things you will tolerate, and certain things that you just wont abide. decide what your prepared to put up with in order to have her in your lives, and any thing else you put your foot down, give her fair warning and mean what you say and say what you mean. don't back down because when you do that what your saying to her, is it's OK to act like a harpy, because your going to be forgiven in a couple of weeks. Don't be frightened to take her on, my guess is she will back down if you and your Husband show an united front.

Answer 10

you need to snap back at her. The next time she starts yelling at you, tell her in front of everyone that you are tired of her verbal abuse and you will not tolerate it anymore. Inform her that whether she can see it or not, she is ruining the relationship with her grandchild. Tell her that if she cannot come to these gatherings without raising a fuss, then she is not invited anymore. True, that is your mother-in-law but you do not have to stand for this abuse. Your husband should be willing to stand up for you and let her know that she needs to stop.