My step-daughter and her cousin did something wrong last month when her dad was away and when I questioned her about it, she lied to me. I did not beat her I just spoke to her about it and she was put on punishment. This morning I asked her a question and she lied to me. I asked her more than once because I knew she was lying and she still lied. I got so mad that I slapped her. Her dad thinks that I should not spank her because I am not her mother and he is trying to get his other daughter to live with us and if her mother knows that I hit her she may not let the other one come. Is it wrong for me to spank her or is it wrong for him to think that I should not spank her? He say I should tell him what she did wrong and let him deal with her but many times I tell him to talk to her and it never seems to happen. What should I do? If we divorce/separate I think it will be because of her.
We have a 7-month old and I do not want any bad examples to be set for him.
2006-12-28 01:32:01 · 23 answers · asked by hunny_b07 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
If you have made the girl think that every her mistake will lead to punishments or spanking,of course she will lie to you.Most children(and most adults) lie from time to time.If we want our kids to be honest with us,we have to be willing to listen to them and refrain from punishing them or ashaming them.We have to look for solutions to the problems.
Parents should explain to their children why is it important to tell the truth and what is trust.A good way to avoid the punishment is to ask the child "What do you think happens when you lie about something?"(this way is successful only if you ask with the aim to understand the child's point of view,not to read lectures).Continue with the questions(asked kindly) - "How do you feel when someone lies to you?","What do you think is the reason children to be afraid to tell the truth?","What would help you to tell the truth without being scared?"
When the child lies to us and we spank her or ashame her,she will probably make some bad conclusions.The punishment helps for the moment but the long lasting effects aren't the one which the parents have tried to make.And of course one child won't learn to tell the truth if she sees you lying - "Yes,chief,I'm sick and I'll be home for 2-3 days" while you want to go skiing.
There are some effective ways to react one child's lying.
1.Accent to the probable conclusions to the problem.Instead of asking "Who has crushed the egg?",offer the child to help her in cleaning and ask her if she thinks the problem may be solved another way.
2.When you think the child is lying,say that "That sounds me as a lie.I wonder what the truth if?"
3.Imagine you are the child.Ask her if she is afraid to tell the truth.Make her sure that everyone is afraid sometimes.
4.Explain her that she has to take responsibility for her actions."Everyone can make a mistake but when you blame someone else you are not less responsible for your action"
5.Explain her what trust is.Help her make the connection between honesty and trust which people have for us.
And finally one personal advice.There is one really useful book for parents,for discipline and other things like that which may help you a lot not only with your husband's daughter but with your own child sometime later.The book is "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelsen.
2006-12-28 01:56:59 · answer #1 · answered by Livia 4 · 6⤊ 0⤋
She's a step child - you had better not use physical punishment. AND - there really is no reason to use physical punishment. When kids are tiny and do something that can endanger them (like run out into the street) - a spanking - because you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GET THE POINT ACROSS RIGHT THEN - and because words don't always work - a spanking would be okay. Other than that - there is no physical punishment needed.
My boyfriends daughter has lived with us part time since she was two. (She's almost 12 now) You didn't say how old your step-daughter is - but as they get older - lying starts to happen. Kids (and adults) lie because they are scared of what will happen if they tell the truth. We all do it. You know that you lie sometimes too. So - as parents - our job is to make the consequences for lying WORSE than the consequences for telling the truth. But it need not be physical punishment. And you should NEVER hit a child when you are angry. NEVER!!! You can take away toys or priveledges. My child is finally learning that when she lies she betrays my trust - and not having my trust makes things very hard for her.
You and your husband must sit down and talk about how you will be disciplining her and WHO will be disciplining her. At first I thought I wouldn't get involved in the discipline and I would just let him do it. But that was silly. If the kids are pre-teen age or older when step parents come into the picture - it's probably best to just let the blood parent deal with the discipline. Otherwise - it's inevitable that you will get involved. And it's important that your involvement is discussed and agreed upon - AND made clear to the child. This is a very important thing for you and your husband to discuss.
Overall - my boyfriends daughter and I have a great relationship. I think most of the reason behind that is because BEFORE I committed to a relationship with her Dad - I KNEW that she was a big part of the deal. I had never had kids - didn't really want kids - but her Dad saw something in me that he knew could work. So - we talked - and I thought long and hard about it. And then - I committed - COMPLETELY - not just to him - but to his daughter as well.
It's tough sometimes - her Mom and I don't always see eye to eye on things - but the bottom line is this. The KIDS ARE THE INNOCENT ONES here. They didn't screw up a marriage and move on to the next partner. Whenever possible - our choices should be about the children's best interest.
If you divorce or separate - it will NOT be because of her. She's a kid. She didn't choose for her parents to divorce and she didn't choose for her Dad to marry you. And then - for you to have a baby . She's too young to make life choices like that - even if she could. YOU - on the other hand - made the choice to marry her Dad KNOWING that he already had children. Now it's your job to work it all out. Please don't blame his daughter. A dirvorce or separation will happen because of your inability to communicate to your husband - and jumping into a marriage without thinking about how difficult it might be to help raise his daughters.
2006-12-28 06:48:12 · answer #2 · answered by liddabet 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No, it is not OK. As a stepparent your role is not anywhere near the same as her biological parents' role. She will resent you forever if you continue to punish her. Discipline should be left up to her mother and father.
You also should never have laid a hand on her, period. All children struggle around divorce issues and it is very difficult to be accepting of a step-parent. Your only job is to be a trusting influence. She is probably acting out because of her frustration with her own situation; now Dad is trying to get her and she probably thinks Mom doesn't care. Try to convince your husband to let her get counseling. This is a very traumatic time in her life and the last thing she needs is your anger.
You sound awfully selfish when it comes to her. Your belief that a divorce would be her 'fault' probably comes through to her in more ways then you realize. It is never the child's fault. Period. You and your husband are the ones disagreeing on discipline. Do not hurt her any further by having her believe she is not "good enough". You obviously harbor a good deal of resentment and I think you should look within yourself to see why you feel causing her pain would be something you'd want to do right now. Your 7 month-old will have bad examples throughout his life if you continue to believe that when things don't go your way you can just hit him. I'm far less worried about your stepdaughter's influence. Do you really believe she won't lie if you lay your hands on her? Uh uh. She'll just get better at it. Your commitment to your husband is being violated - what he chooses to do with HIS daughter is up to him. Perhaps he too realizes that she is going through an awfully difficult time. Give her some love and some space. Stop acting like a third parent (it's confusing), and stop hitting children. How the heck will you teach them empathy and patience this way?
Best of luck - to her and you.
2006-12-28 04:38:45 · answer #3 · answered by Me, Thrice-Baked 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Spanking and physical punishment only works for kids under the age of 8. I think spanking sets a bad example for the child and may give her ideas to be violent back. I think that there should be some type of appropriate punishment but spanking shouldn't be one of them. You'll get used to the idea that spanking her is all right and then when she gets to middle school or high school, if she hits back, it'll become violent. Spanking works, but only temporarily. If you're a step-dad, I think it's great to help your ste-daughter and guide her in the right path using verbal reprimands or grounding her, but I don't think that physical punishment is appropriate if you're not the biological mother or father. I really think you should have a serious discussion with your step daughter, her biological father, and the mother to sort out a solution to this problem. You have the right idea when you say that you don't want to set bad examples for your 7-mth. old. Don't spank, just speak.
2006-12-28 10:14:47 · answer #4 · answered by sci-girl1492 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Okay, this is complicated, so I will answer bit-by-bit...to keep myself straight, lol!
First, you lost your temper and slapped the child; that is NOT punishment or discipline, that is purely and simply WRONG. Discipline is teaching right behavior; what did you, an adult, by losing your temper and slapping, teach her? Is this the example you want to set for your own child? Whenever you must correct behavior, you first must control your own emotions, or you automatically lose the childs respect, and your attempt to correct her will cause harm and resentment. Spanking can be an effective correctional tool for certain age groups, but you cannot spank effectively when you've lost your temper, and you should not need to spank once a child is old enough to reason with or before a child can make a conscious choice to defy authority. Accidently spilling food or other childish accidents should never elicit punishment of any kind,
Secondly, you do not mention the age of the child; make sure your expectations for her are age-appropriate, and understand that lying is a normal defensive behavior. I said normal, NOT desired; I just mean that all children will do this until they are taught better. Also, very young children do not always understand the difference between truth and fiction, reality and make-believe.
Thirdly, you and your husband share authority and responsibility to set behavior standards in your home. He must support you in this because this is in his childs' best interest. No, you are not her mother, but you are a member of the parenting team. I understand his concerns re physical discipline, and they may be well-founded, but nevertheless the two of you need to make a list of your house rules, post them on the fridge, and both of you need to support each other in maintaining them. This does not have to be a heavy-handed thing.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world! And it's twice as hard with mixed families, but it is SO necessary and so important to raise responsible, caring people. It takes persistence, consistance, and lots of prayer...
best wishes,
cryllie
2006-12-28 01:59:47 · answer #5 · answered by cryllie 6 · 2⤊ 3⤋
Absolutely not. I got "spanked" (more like whipped with a belt) by one of my friend's moms when she was taking care of me a few months ago. It did me no good at all. I had blisters and welts and called the police and they were no help and told me to go away, and then my daddy grounded me when he returned home. Nobody even listened to me. All the joy is gone from my life and I am just afraid of adults and resentful, and get in trouble a lot. She thought she was teaching me "respect" but she taught me nothing.
Down here they also let principals and vice principals at school beat us with paddles. Thank goodness my daddy won't let them do that. (with a couple of exceptions when the school said the only other option was suspension but my dad insisted on witnessing so they wouldn't injure me) It's totally barbaric and offensive.
I agree with the gal above if you're not her parent, it's best not to touch her.
2006-12-28 10:04:55 · answer #6 · answered by Lori 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Never hit a child, no matter the circumstances. Spanking falls in this category. You may take away privleges, add responsibilites....but do not hit. The father is right to stand in defense of his child not being hit. And if you do get a divorce or seperation, think of what the root problem is. It is not the child herself, but the differences you and your husband have in disciplinary measures. Divorce is never the fault of the child.
2006-12-28 03:16:23 · answer #7 · answered by Earnesty_in_life 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My mother told my step father never to lay a hand on me...if he had a problem with me or I did something to wrong to let her know and she would handle it.
And as a soon to be single parent...no one will ever be allowed to lay a hand on my child. If they've done something wrong then they should find another way of disciplining them or consult with me and I'll determined if the crime renders a spanking or not. And if it does, I will administer the spanking.
2006-12-28 03:39:13 · answer #8 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
No it's not ok.
First of all...she is not your daughter.
Second of all....you got so mad that you slapped her? Maybe you need some anger management classes.
You and your husband need to explain to her why lying is wrong. The only thing you've taught her is that when you're mad it's ok to slap.
I think you should apologize to your step-daughter.
2006-12-28 03:27:27 · answer #9 · answered by JENNIFER P 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
did you slap her face? if so, you just pissed her off. Spanking is on the bottom. She needs you to set limits and follow through with them. If your husband doesn't want you to spank, try another punishment. No matter what age they are, making them stand facing a corner is a good way to get their attention. I think that you and the spouse have some issues to deal with. If he wants his kids from a previous marriage to live with you, you need the right to spank when it is called for. Talk things out with him and make a rule. Don't correct each other about the kids in front of the kids. I raised my husbands children and they all call me mom. Yes I had to spank from time to time but If he thought I was wrong, he always waited until the kids were in bed to tell me. That way, they didn't think they could "get me in trouble with dad". Good Luck.
2006-12-28 01:49:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 4⤋