Almost a year ago, i left my country because i married my lovely husband in his native country. All that was a fairy tale story. Before that, even before meeting my husband, my mom and I didnt have a good relationship. She never told me that I did something right and treated me like the black sheep of the family( I was the youngest of two sisters). Now that I look back, I have always been a good girl. Everybody said I was lovely except her. After I met my husband, everything turned worst. Every single day was a torture. It was so stressful! WE ARGUED EVERYDAY. It was not just that, it was the things she said. They were totally incoherent. And I understand she didnt want me to leave, but why did she want to hurt me so bad? I was afraid of her killing me sometimes. Now, I feel better, but when I phone my mum she still says that I am to blame for all her illnesses and that i am a traitor for leaving my country. I want her to be ok and happy. What can I do?
2006-12-28 01:23:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Thanks so much to everybody. I really appreciate your answers and your time.
Annie
2006-12-28 03:53:26 · update #1
some mothers do llike to 'dump' onto their children (usually a daughter)
i can relate to much of what you are saying - my mother who was mentally ill did much the same to me too (and still would do if i permitted it)
i think it helps to recognise it for what it is - HER problem not YOURS, HER insecurities, HER illnesses, HER jealousies not YOURS
and while you may still want some degree of contact - try and keep it to a minimum short phone calls, short visits and dont leave your children with her unattended either. Also dont be on your own with her either - at least you will get someone else witness what she is really like with you and maybe even intervene.
when you go and visit her find another relative to stay with so you are not dependant on her hospiatlity when you are with her and can escape when she starts off her accusations against you - or failing that a hotel phone number - DONT JUST LET HER TRAP YOU INTO STAYING AND HAVING TO LISTEN TO IT ALL. being an emotional punchbag isnt good for anyone
I am glad for you that you have found happiness - and that you are forgiving enough to want your mum to be happy also - but she can only develop her own happiness in life - you cant do it for her.
2006-12-28 01:56:17 · answer #1 · answered by Aslan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its very sad to hear such a thing. But, don't worry mam, everything will be alrite soon..
She did everything just for ur well being and u too did ur best but, i think the problem was that they were not synchronized.. May be there was so gap between u both..
Please rememeber this mam, Parents scold just because they love u so much that they don't want u to be unsuccessful in any part of ur life.
So, please see to that u speak with her often and try making her happy.
I know its not easy but, IF U THINK, U CAN DO IT! Please try to go a little bit easy with her.. She must be frustrated that u left her behind and went with ur husband. Its not wrong actually but, just think this from ur mother's point of view. I think u'll understand her feelings too.
Tell me mam, won't u feel bad if ur daughter leaves u and settles in another country?
Please try to understand her feelings too.
Afterall she is UR MOTHER. Won't u forgive her? Don't u love ur mother? don't u miss her?
I'm sure u do. because it is the relatinship between u both that made u feel guilty.
I must appreciate u for releasing ur mistakes. Thats something many people don't do. So, i that way U R VERY BOLD.
U can still help her in many ways. Try speaking with her twice a week and then try to convince her that u have started realising ur mistakes and u regret for leaving her. Make her believe that u still love her and after her anger reduces a bit try visting her as soon as possible.
I hope u soon resolve ur disputes with her vrey soon.
And please pray to GOD for your mom's health and i'll definitely pray for her and for u too.
Goodluck mam.
I hope i dib't hurt u in anyway, if i had then i'm sorry mam.
2006-12-28 02:01:40 · answer #2 · answered by Ajj 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Annie,
Sorry your mother treats you bad. There is nothing you can do to change her behavior, but you can change your reaction to it. It appears your mother has issues that requires counseling and medication. When you do call her and she starts to rant incoherently, tell that you love her and miss her, then make up an excuse to get off the phone. Until your mother comes to terms with her issues there is nothing you can do. Just take it day by day and enjoy life with your husband and make a wonderful life for your children.
2006-12-28 01:37:09 · answer #3 · answered by sunnys_mom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems that your mother is unsecure of herself, maybe due to her own childhood experiences. Nothing is mentioned about your mother's view of your elder sister, and so a further analysis cannot be made. Maybe your mother felt jealous of your looks or other achievements: yes, some mothers do feel this way!
If it woud help, have a talk with your husband and invite your mother to visit you for a short time, knowing fully the inherent risks of some days of face to face meeting. If she agrees, tell her that she shouldnt rave and rant in your house. Your husband can help clear some misunderstanding your mother may have about him and about your married life. Who knows, this may help.
If this cannot be done, then maybe you can ask your sister to take your mother for counseling.
2006-12-28 01:58:04 · answer #4 · answered by greenhorn 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your mother has the problem. She should realize that you have a life of your own, and you have nothing to do with all her problems. Some mothers do not realize what hurt they can do to their children. I rally think they try to relive their lives through their own kids, they are so miserable with their own lives that they lash out at their daughters. I know because my mother has done that with me.
2006-12-28 02:17:07 · answer #5 · answered by Kathy W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her this is your life and not hers, tell her that there was no way you could have caused her illness, because you are in a completely different country (hehe) also tell your mom that you are going to be with the person who shows their affection toward you (your husband) and not the person that beats you down (your mother) tell your mother you love her, and then hang up
2006-12-28 02:30:29 · answer #6 · answered by sj 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm with sunny_mo on this one..
2006-12-28 02:13:19 · answer #7 · answered by sayasyoulike 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋