Parents; your point of view on this problem please?

Question

You have a daughter who is 16 y/o. she is a very mature, clever and independent, she pulls her weight and helps out when needed she also always got good grades at school.She wants to move out and get a small place in the town you lived in when you where growing up, none of your family live there now but to you it is still home and your glad she’s picked that place to go to collage and to live. When you where living there you got the train back every so often to visit, and she will do the same

On your daughters first visit home she brings with her, her boyfriend he is 26 and according to your daughter is the love of her life, after a few hours chatting to him you realise they do have a bond and that he has a lot in common with your daughter, you’ve never seen her happier.

You later find out that they have known each other since a few months before your daughter turned 13, they met the first time when she was 14 and have met up every 6 months or so since then, they have never had sex, and the boyfriend is stricter on waiting until she is 18, he wants to wait because she is still very young, although your daughter she is ready now, but will wait for her boyfriend

What would you do in this situation?

THIS IS A SITUSTION .. IT IS NOT A PROBLEM I FACE

THIS 'SITUATION' QUESTION, WAS STARTED IN SCOTLAND IN SCOTLAND THE LAW IS YOU CAN MOVE OUT AT 16 WITHOUT PERMISHION AND YOU CAN GET MARRIED WITHOUT CONSENT.

READ THIS --> simpler terms .. I do not have a 16-year-old daughter. This is an email question, which was started in Scotland. That is why a 16 y/o is allowed to move out. Im sorry if you don’t agree that at 16 a child is a child but in Scotland they’re not adult but can o what they want with their lives

im not 16 ether in 23

Answer 1

I wouldn't have let my 16 yr old move out under normal circumstances, no matter how mature she is, although I may consider it under unusual circumstances.

Having made the decision (and not lightly), to allow it, I would recognise that my opinion on the matter of her relationship would be largely irrelevant. At the point at which she moves into an independant situation, she is effectively taking her life into her own hands and that means that sadly, she will start making decisions for herself and her life that I don't agree with / approve of / accept.

I would understand that she could be involved sexually with this man and that all the ranting and raving in the world would not undo what may or may not have been done, nor would it prevent it occurring again. However, I would perhaps feel that she is being honest based on her previous behaviour and the fact that she introduced me to this man when she could well have kept me in the dark about their relationship.

I would discuss my concerns with both of them. I would point out to my daughter that she should respect this mans intention to wait to have sex, because it is HE that will be ostracised by society if it becomes known that he had sex with a teenager, not her. I would remind her that a woman has an enormous amount of sexual power over a man and caution her not to abuse that power. I would thank the man for respecting my daughter in this way and ask that he continue to do so until she is 18. I would ask that, having come this far, they don't spoil the repoire we have developed together by lying to me about any future developments the relationship may take. I would make clear that whilst my daughter is living a relatively independant life, she IS just taking baby steps in the world of adults and that I still expect to play a part in her continuing development, being the one person who has remainded a constant source of love, protection and mentoring in her life and wishes deeply to continue in that role.

I would discuss their relationship with her alone to determine whether there is an unequal power play occuring within the relationship that is cause for concern for her developmentally as a young 'woman' or whether the dynamic of the relationship is such that it lends itself to abuse in the sense of physical, psychological and emotional abuse. And at that time I would also let her know that I love her and will be right here if she ever needs to talk or ask questions.

I would understand that despite my wish that it not happen to MY daughter, people of vastly diverse demographics do in fact attract each other for various reasons and I would TRY not to alienate my daughter and the support she will need if the relationship turns out not to be what she thought it was.

I would get a police check on the man and take him aside for a private conversation between 1. me, 2. him and 3. any kind of deadly weapon I could access and tell him I have had him checked out and if he so much as touches a hair on her head without her consent or abuses her in any way including emotionally or psychologically, he and number 3. are going to have words.

I would then wish them a safe drive home and go to bed and cry those bittersweet tears that every parent experiences when their baby starts to cut the apron strings and starts to show the fruits of your parenting and of their own development toward their adult selves.

I know that holding onto maturing children is like holding onto water. If you leave your hands open but firmly held together you can hold it, if you bunch it up into a fist, you've lost it (and them).

Answer 2

Where are you from that you let a 16 year old move out on her own? 18 year olds have a hard enough time coping when the law says they are adults but they actually are not. I am sorry for your daughter that you never paid attention to what was going on in her life and it seems you have let go and so you created this situation. You were naive to the fact that your 13 year old was talking to a 23 year old and it's naive to let her move out on her own this young and it's naive to think that she is not having sex. I doubt there is any thing you can do now at her age and seeing how you let her raise herself... but I'm presuming some thing is wrong with this man that he would want to talk to a 13 year old. He probably prefers children and in a few years she will be too old for him and he will ditch her.

With your English, you just needed to come out and say that this is an experimental question and not a "situation" that you were / are in. My answer, however, remains the same.

Answer 3

I'm still looking for the "problem". Her life is her life. It's not supposed to be a mirror image of YOUR life. Look, is she's this great kid whose turned out so well then it seems you really don't have much to worry about in the long run don't you think?

Scratch all that ...16 forgot the 16.What was I thinking??? Sorry for the above, it's 3:50 am here(work).You should call the local police and see where they can put this pedophile. Or at least ask about any statutory rape laws. And I would drop the mature part from her description for a bit. There's only one thing this 26 year old wants . Being older and wiser and a parent, well you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out his motovation. She's too "shocked and awed" that a 26 yr old would be interested in a 16 yr old.Not enough life experience to see his true reason for the "relationship" she has with him. I really wish I could have erased all that I wrote earlier..sorry. And GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

I would have never let a 16 year old child move out. As soon as I found out about the older guy, I would have moved her back home and seperated them. A 23 yr old interested in a 13 yr old sounds screwed up to me.

Ok, fine, Scotland. I'd still be pissed that a perv is dating my child. If you want that for your life, then own your choice and screw the rest. Quit looking for other people to tell you if your choices are good or bad. I browsed your other questions and I think you need to have more confidence in yourself and maybe be treated for depression. Quit worrying what others think and needing them (or that perv boyfriend) to tell you that you are ok. Make your choice and live with it. Quit second guessing yourself! And from the porn question, you are having sex. So be honest to yourself and your Mom.

Answer 5

I think it is great she wants to live in the home town. However, she is 16 and has no business living on her own yet, unless there was an emancipation order by the court and she was ruled an adult. As for the 26 year old, in my opnion, he is a pervert who, in his right mind, would not be trying to have a relationship with a minor. In my opinion, independent or not, she needs to come home and dump the older guy.

Answer 6

I myself am with an older guy who is 9 years older than me. I first fell for him when i was 15. But knowing i was too young did nothing about it. We got together a few months before my 17th birthday. We were happy and both knowing what we were doing. We are still together now. If your daughter is happy let her go. She has to find out for herself what love is all about.

If things go rough, just be there for her, but let her live her life, or you will regret the outcome, she might end up resenting you. I myself know what that feels like.

Answer 7

I wouldn't do anything. If she's old enough to be considered an adult and move out, she's old enough to have sex. Besides, the boyfriend isn't ready. And believe it or not, some people actually do wait. I don't see any problem with this.

Answer 8

I don't think I would have let my daughter move into her own apartment at 16, no matter how mature she is. And if she's dating a 26 year old, they are probably having sex, no matter what they tell you.

Answer 9

I would not be allowing my daughter to see a 26 year old man. I do not believe in no way that he is not wanting to have sex with her. Most likely they already have. I would report him for rape

Answer 10

He seems a good guy the way you put it. She seems responsible enough to decide, and he seems to have respect for her and you by putting off intercourse until she is 'of age.' If you see that your daughter is happy, let her live her moment...as your support/understanding is always important to keep a great mother/daughter relationship. You can address your concerns if you have any, but don't forbid her to do what you don't want her to do. Personally, if I have a good impression of her boyfriend and she is happy, I would not mind and invite both to come whenever they can. Of course, the fatherly lecture will definitely be part of his stay...I would try to learn his future plans, his interests, and I would definitely squeeze in the threat: "You better treat my daughter the way she deserves to be treated...if you hurt her in a ny way I will track you down and beat the living *** outta you :)