a good friend of mine is over there now and over the past couple of weeks he's really shut down. i knew it was going to happen because he's been in baghdad for 8 months, without even having 2 weeks leave to come home yet. everything is catching up to him and he's really withdrawing. is there anything i can do to help him out? he used to say that talking to me gave him a break from thinking about it, but now he will go days without talking to anyone(even though he's around). i try and do things like leave him funny jokes on myspace to make him laugh but i've never seen him this bad before. he says eventually he will come back around but he's just not sure when because he's dealing with things he has to come to terms with on his own someday. i'm pretty worried..what can i do? if anything?
everybody forgets that it's hard for the people left behind too..
2006-12-27 21:55:16 · 17 answers · asked by Kismet 7 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
there were some really great answers so i had to put this to vote =)
2006-12-29 04:23:26 · update #1
Continue to be a friend.
Don't point out to him your concerns. The last thing he needs to do is be concerned about you being concerned about him.
Stay positive. Don't complain about _anything_. That means anything. Your job is to uplift him, not the other way around.
You miss him and he knows it. Don't continually tell him.
You need to let him take the lead. Christmas is over and that has to be one thing that was bothering him. Being away from everyone he cares about. Now that it is past that may help somewhat.
He is never going to be the same person you knew again and you need to let him know that is alright. It won't change how you feel about him.
You'll know what to say and when to say it if you listen to what he is telling you. Sometimes your silence is golden and listening does more good than any words you can say. Tell him that. Tell him that you are willing to help him in whatever way you can and you are willing to wait for however long it takes for him to tell you what HE needs.
He has already told you he needs to work through some issues. He gave you one big hint right there. Don't pressure him.
PS... Give him a big virtual *hug* from us and tell him he is in our thoughts... Thank You.
(By the way, I am a Mom, I'm allowed to give hugs.)
:-)
2006-12-27 22:14:44 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know it is hard to deal with someone away from you. Just keeping sending him letters and notes. I would go to the dollar store and grab up a bunch of cute cards that say thinking of you. I always put in a picture or two. It could be recent, or from the past. Make sure you tell about the picture. If it is of you and him then it will make you feel better remembering all the fun times you had with him. It will help know you care. Don't push him on why he is withdrawn. Maybe he recently seen something that scared him, a friend that was killed, and IED that went off too close, lots of things can shake a guy to the bone. When he is ready to talk he will, then you just listen. Let him talk, all night if he wants, and just sit there quietly. I hope your soldier gets back to talking to you soon. I will pray for him, and pray that God keeps hand around him and protect him. Bless you for caring so much.
2006-12-28 02:07:02 · answer #2 · answered by samantha s 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best thing you can do is to be sure he knows you are there for him. Especially to listen when he is ready to talk. My son just came back from his second tour, and when he was there, he lose 3 good buddies, and was hit by an IED. When these really bad things happened to him, he would also shut down, and I would have to wait, patiently, until he was ready to call and talk about things. Eventually he would, and all I could do is listen. A couple of times he would get chocked up as he was telling me things, and then stop talking. I think they are trying so hard to be continously brave and NOT cry, because they are afraid if they break down they will fall apart. Keep doing what you are doing, and just be there on the other end when he does talk to you. The holidays are very difficult for them, and I am sure he will come around real soon. I don't understand why he hasn't had his leave yet. He is entitled to a leave within the year he is deployed, in fact it is mandatory. Ask him if he has leave coming up anytime soon, it sounds as if he need a break.
And, yes, it is also hard on us who wait at home, missing them, and worring about them. Good luck to you both
2006-12-27 22:26:30 · answer #3 · answered by joaniebalonie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband was the same way, he didn't get leave until 8 1/2 months after being in Ramadi....but I sent him lots of cards and little things to remind him of home. I also made him a calendar and on every day I had a little quote, either funny or inspiring....continually tell him about what he is doing and how many people he is helping....there are millions....show him support.....send him his fav foods (try to anyways)....pictures (you could even get together with his friends, relatives and get pics from them too and make it into a scrapbook)....some of these things you may have to put a lot of time into, but if he is really down, it is so well worth it. Hope this helps and good luck!!
2006-12-28 02:04:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was there from march 04-05 and I think the best think you can do is write letters. There are places that people can go to check email, but there is nothing like getting that handwritten letter. It just feels so much better to be able to read that letter anywhere. I was engaged when i went and needless to say she stopped writing me letters and i started feeling worse. Also tell him that you are proud of all that he is doing, its like hearing it from your parents even when its from a good friend. Lastly just send some CD's that you make yourself with music that you guys used to listen to together or just maybe some music that you like, It will give him the effect of being there with you...and lastly (I don't want to offend anyone) being in that kind of situation, things change, things that he might not have thought were important suddenly are. His feelings for you might be growing stronger and maybe he doesnt know how to exspress it or hes not sure how..... I hope this helps
2006-12-28 03:22:46 · answer #5 · answered by junior85323 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just keep doing what you're doing. He may not be able to respond right now but if you keep writing and sending him silly things he knows you care. You are giving him hope that life will go on and become normal once he is home. I don' t know if you are a religious person but if you are be sure to keep him in your prayers and tell him you are praying for him. This is also a big thank you to all of our service people and to their families and friends. God bless each and every one of you.
2006-12-27 22:09:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stay away from the topic he doesn't want to talk about.
THE WAR . If he talks about it listen don't pry. Change the subject when you can.
Talk about when he gets home and things familiar. Remind him of people he knows and give him updates.
Tell him he sounds better (even if he doesn't).
My son came home last year and still fleets the issue.
That's OK he is now adjusting well...
2006-12-27 22:41:24 · answer #7 · answered by Red 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well speaking from experience with Taoists. My brother seems to be able to not stop having fun nomatter what problems the rest of the family is going through and kind of cut everyone off. Why dont you just cut this friend off?
2006-12-27 23:50:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Keep doing what you are doing. Be a friend. Listen. Whatever he wants to talk about, let him talk (dont try to change the subject). Sometimes it is hard for "us" here to listen to the things that happen over there, but soldiers arent exactly taught to talk about their feelings. It is a suck it up mentality and any request for help can signal weakness to his chain of command. You really could be the one to pull him through, and that is a huge responsibility. Are you up for that much responsibility?
My husband and I are about to enter our third deployment to a combat zone. My job, while he is gone, is to be there for him in every way I can be, and any way he wants me to be. Weekly care packages, daily letters, periodic emails, periodic phone calls (expensive) and IM chat as often as possible. There are alot of black outs, so that can be stressful when your life revolves around contact, but you just gotta deal. Not 1 single thing you can do about a blackout but wait it out.
So my advice is to just continue to care. Send him packages. What to put in it? FOOD! TOYS! Anything....just show you care. And listen. Make him laugh. Keep him updated with what is going on over here. Sometimes they feel so left out of everyone's lives, so it is important to keep them as filled in as possible. Newspaper clippings also help too.
2006-12-28 01:31:54 · answer #9 · answered by an88mikewife 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
lol that sucks. dont hassle you would be in point 4 in simple terms before you think of (in simple terms attempting to stay beneficial right here) haha it replaced into relaxing once you, lacey, orange, secret keeper and that i've got been asking questions. yet everybody else had to kill the relaxing. oh properly we ended 2008 (on y!a) in a large historic way lmao :P i think of im hated in the r&s area and in all possibility in the s&d area too.
2016-10-06 02:51:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋