Not attracted to boyfriend...?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for nine years now and we have never really matched up sexually. I do not find myself drawn to him physically/sexually and never really have. In the beginning of the relationship we had sex often but I never really got any pleasure out of it because he just didn't seem that knowledgable... and had no interest in learning how to please me. Our sex life has been horrible for the past 5 years, yet we've stayed together. He used pornography instead of having sex with me and even cheated once. I have stayed because I think I was afraid to be alone and because I really love him like a friend and didn't want to lose him completely. We now have an infant son (a unexpected surprise) and I have been trying to make it work... but I am not happy. I have a high sex drive but no interest in him. I get depressed when I think of marrying/spending the rest of my life with him... sexually unsatisfied. Has anyone sparked a flame that was never there to start?

I've avoided marriage because I know that we have sexual/compatibility problems. He wants to get married because we have our son and because he loves me and thinks everything is fine. He's attracted to me... but I feel like he's my best friend (no attraction on my part). I do have resentment built up from trust issues in our past... do you think that if these issues are addressed in counseling I might find myself turned-on by him??

Answer 1

Try counseling first. You've tried to stick it out for 9 years... there must be some kind of connection there. You do have a child together now... life throws the unexpected surprise in every once in a while (people should shut up when it comes to this because I'm sure you're aware that it makes the decision more difficult because you obviously worry about the best interest of your child). Get counseling on your own and together... and then if things don't work out after that... you can walk away knowing that you tried. Don't be too hard on yourself. 9 years is longer than most marriages last nowadays. So don't let all these people make you feel bad.

Answer 2

Communication in any relationship is extremely important on all levels -- and especially when it comes to sex and having EACH other's needs be met. You don't want to lose him completely - - then you take the chance of staying with someone that you say has no interest in learning how to please you. I would if possible get some therapy and don't marry him until you get a better resolve of the whole situation.

Answer 3

If it isn't there, you can't force it to be there. Some people are just not well-matched, even if you get along in other ways. Sex is not everything, but it is a big deal. So if you are unhappy...don't be so scared to be alone. Find someone you are attracted to, that does make you happy. You deserve no less.

Answer 4

Try new ways of sexual pleasure to liven up the relationship. give him advice on what u would enjoy and just c how it goes : )

Answer 5

Have you ever told him that you are not satisied? Tell him what you want sexually and if that don't work then you do the driving : )

Answer 6

sounds to me like you are very bored with the relationship. well, i dont think by what you said,thats its going to get any better. i would move on with my life.

Answer 7

if you're not happy with him, leave him. also, i don't think he's exactly happy with it either, since he cheated on you and your sex life is "horrible."

Answer 8

its really to bad you couldnt have gotten out before you had your kid. now the kid suffers.