need only serious advice? please?

Question

my stepson is 20 yrs old and his real mother just told him that his father is not his real dad.his dad says that he doesn't know for sure. but all that matters is that he has been there for him all his life. how can we get him through this ordeal. thanks alot we need all the advice we can get

i also need to add that see has not had anything to do with him since he was 8 months. my husband and myself have loved and raised him. she seen him out and told him this. he is really confused

Answer 1

Your stepson's dad may not be the biological father, but he has acted in the role as a competant and dependable father where the putative biological sire remained conspicuously absent. I refer you to Sabatini's Scaramouch, where Eileen deGavrillac tells the Marquis de Maisne that she will continue to defend her friend Andre Moirot despite the charges for high treason because he was there for her when she needed a friend. Obviously this man was there the whole time, acting as a father and taking responsibility.

I for one applaud him for this, regardless of whether your stepson is his biological offspring. So many men nowadays prefer to skirt responsibility than accept it. Whatever he does, now is NOT the time to pull away.

Answer 2

A Father, can only be a Father if he takes interest in his children. Sometimes one relationship with another results in just this particular case. A woman who is in love with a man and so they form a child-the fathers child doesn't want anything to do with the child, just wants his so called(shall we say) "another woman conquered?" I am surprised that the biological mother never told the child in his earlier years, usually a parent tells their child at an early teen year or a little earlier, A true Father will share his life with their children and think nothing wrong, even if they are not their children. A Father is not necessarily the dad, but can act as dad to anothers children, if he has the gumption to do it. A child at that age should be able to handle it a lot better now. However, some children never really know heir moms or dads. A lot of foster kids today, have never met their biological parents, biological father, or biological donor. Due to circumstances beyond their control. Never underestimate a childs intelligiance. They learn to adapt quickly when they need to. Our kids are smarter than you think. Although be it, "book smart" not "logical smarts". Never get into a power struggle with a child, it could be the worse thing you do. It is time to set down with the biological mother and the unbiological father and talk it out. Set down with the 20 year old son and don't treat him like a child, treat him as an adult, as should be and explain-let him think from all sides of the story and let him decide what he thinks, not what you or his mother or unbiological Father thinks. You see I am in the same boat, I have been there before and it was not easy to explain to a child the truth- a child will either accept it, or reject it. The problem lies with the adults involved, and as I said before, it is to bad the child was never told in his earlier life. The child may get dna tested and actually trace down his true biological Father, or as you said his dna may be the same as your husbands. Testing is sort of expensive, but for the childs "peace of mind" it would help. As the step mom you might want to put a bug in his or his fathers ear for the childs sake. Hopefully, someday you let me know if my advice was well taken... or how it works out...:) :)

Answer 3

Let him know that no matter if he is his biological father or not , that a real father is a person who is always there for you . Who loves you unconditionally .From what you have said he Is a real father . Anyone can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father.You might also want to take him to some family counseling together. He will probably feel betrayed and have some pent up anger towards his father and his mother. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Your son is a man now and will need to work this out himself. He may even ask his Dad to take a test to find out for sure. But don't get angry just do this for him. I have a feeling your son will love you both no matter what the outcome. It is only human nature to want to know exactly where you come from. With any luck your husband is his Father. Although if he is not he is still his Dad. It takes a lot more than genetics to make a Dad! Just stand buy him and do as he asks without getting mad. Just think if this was you wouldn't you want to know? In the end I know you will come out the winner. As for the Mother I am sure she has sealed her fate with him. Good luck . I will pray for you and your family.

Answer 5

It sounds like the mother is stirring up trouble. Why else would she reveal this information at this point in time?

I would tell the son that bloodlines do not make a family, LOVE makes a family. His DAD has raised him and been there for him all along and will continue in the same role for the rest of his life.

If he wants to search for his biological father, you can offer to help him. I'd stay away from the mother as much as possible, though.

Answer 6

It sounds as if the mother had some sort of underlying motive to tell him this now. That will part of the issue, but the main concern is to support the son by explaining to him that biology does not equal fatherhood. I respect the father for standing by him all his life and raising him, every child deserves a loving parent and it takes a selfless person to look past biology and just see the a child that needs him.
Just love him and hopefully he will be mature enough to realize that he always had his "real dad".
Good Luck

Answer 7

You can't get him through the ordeal. He has to do it on his own. All you can do is be there for him and lend him an ear. Tell him that if he needs to talk that you are available at any time. Ask him his feelings and keep the lines of communication open. He's 20 years old and he'll figure this out. If we were all sheltered from every hurt we had in life then we'd be very lucky.. but unfortunately we aren't and that's how we learn and grow.

Answer 8

Did his biological dad contact them? Well first he is not a real dad. You have obviously been there for this young man. It's time though for everyone to get honest with him. You might have to endure some resentments both you and the mother. This is a very difficult situation. Talk openly and maybe suggest family counseling and above all let him know no matter what might be said that you love him and will continue to be there for him.

Answer 9

You have to remind your step-son there is a "father" and then there is a "dad." Fathers are the ones that basically make the baby - contributing genetics and that's about it. But a "dad" is what makes the person a person, contributing things like morals, values, real life circumstances and personal opinion. A "father" shapes the child genetically - a "dad" shapes a child in every other facet of life. Remind him of this. If he cannot see this after a while - and it will take time - then seek counseling of some kind to resolve this.

Answer 10

Your husband maynot be the "real" father.. and only a DNA test can say wether he is or isn't and that is the ? that he and your step son have to ask.... does your step son really want to know... does it matter to him.... be there for him and your husband... your husband has been his "father" and no matter wether it is blood ties or not.. being there and rasing a child is more important then relations by blood.. trust me... I have a biological father... but have to emotion towards him.. I talk to him now and then.. but he was never there and still isn't so I don't have that bond.... just be there for them.. if your step son wants a test doen... just let him know that no matter what...his father is still his father and always will be... then I would be talking to his real mom.. and ask her what the hell she was thinking telling him this.. waiting all this time.. or keeping it from your husband...she needs a smack up side the head ( pardon that comment lol) take care and hang in there....