Is my sister in law out of line about how i parent my 14 year old special needs son?

Question

We were together at my house X-mas eve and all the cousins were over. My son has a strict routine we abide by so at 8 pm I told him to come with me upstairs for pagamas. He is not potty trained well so at night I use double cloth diapers and pins and rubber pants. He was upset he had to come back downstairs with me after with his obvious diaper bulge bottom and such smelling like baby powder but i was busy and he was whinny so i told him to get over it and stop crying...my sis in law said he should be sent to bed right away but I told her to chill and mind her own business. Was it bad how I handled it/

Answer 1

OK, I'm gathering that after 14 years you know how to take care of your son, but I also probably would have said something to you if you talked to your special needs child like that in my presence. What were you doing that was more important than your child? Have you thought about using Depends or adult diapers that aren't so "visible" He may be a special needs child, but he also has the ability to be embarrassed and humilitated. It's called dignity and all children deserve a bit of it, even if you are busy. So was your sister-in law out of line - Yes, she was. Were you...absolutely. You both had the wrong answer for this poor child, and had I been in the room, the next day you would have been visited by DCF. Your child should be your first priority, especially a special needs child. A child has a routine and special needs children depend on their routines. One minor deviation from that routine can cause turmoil in their minds. If you can't handle it except when it's convenient for you, then place him with people who will find your son convenient 24/7. I'm sorry, but your guests could have waited the 10 minutes it would have taken you to put him to bed and would have understood completely if you had put your child first.

Answer 2

Okay,someone gave a rather harsh answer it was the one who said they'd have DCF there the next day.Why?I think your sister WAS wrong if she was suggesting that your son be put to bed right away because he was whiny.He was upset over the fact he had to wear his big diaper in front of people,not because he's tired if I'm reading you correctly.On the other hand if he was whiny because his"strict routine"is to be diapered and put to bed at 8pm then no matter how busy you were he should have been put to bed.After all that's why we have routines,to keep things in order and running smooth.With a special needs child(i have one too)routine is VERY,VERY important.They get used to things going just the same each day and depending on the degree of disability and your childs temprament ,changing that routine can be a huge issue.Your being busy with Christmas Eve wouldn't mean much to him,all he knows is how things usually go.But if he's easy going and adapts well to occasional changes then staying up later would have been a fun treat.I'm curious as to why he was whiny,though.Do you know?As i said before if he was whiny because of the bulky diaper your sis in law should chill.But like others mention try a adult size underwear.They make them just like the smaller Pull-Ups,but for big people.If you cannot afford them try food banks or ask the state for help.Many times they will give help with supplies like that even if you get nothing else from them.(I'm assuming you are in the U.S. other countries may have different programs.Good Luck Mom,you are blessed to have your son.

Answer 3

I am in the same situation as you. I have TWO "special" children. How can anyone not in your situation tell you how to deal with your kids? Is she there in the night to help you when you have to change the bed for the third time? She doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm lucky, my sister doesn't even speak to me (for other reasons too boring to type). All other relatives were annoyed at the beginning as to how this has happened to our kids, but now they understand and realise that this is the way the kids are and there's nothing that can be done to make them 'better'. No-one mocks my children as they have all seen them grow and understand that my kids are still in nappies (diapers) and it's no big deal. Sorry your sis-in-law is so un-reasonable. She needs to spend more time seeing how much work your son is and keep her mouth shut, unless she genuinley wants to help.

Keep up the good work. Remember - Special Children were given to Special Parents!!

Answer 4

In your place I might have done things differently. I would likely have extended the time for that one day, so that he could enjoy being with everyone, in regular clothes. A change in routine can be dealt with if preplanned and carefully explained ahead of time. The pj's might have been ok, but the diaper caused embarrassment, which is not ok. But I am not his mother! I think it's important to say that as his mother,
you are the one who knows him best. Others can give you advise but your sister-in-law was out of line, imo. Your s-i-l could be reminded that she only had to deal with these kinds of issues for a few years and you may still be dealing with them for several more years. However, I agree with others who said you should get him some adult diapers.

I'd also like to add that the person who said she would call someone about you should live in your shoes and perhaps would be able to remove the pickle from her pompous a**. (Sorry - that one bothered me!)

Answer 5

I know from first hand experience that it is hard to be a parent of a special needs child. I also have a few friends with the same lot in life. And sometimes it is imperative to stick to the routines we so strive to set! Your sis in-law needs to mind her own business. However it is important to accommodate our children's need to participate as "normally" as possible. Maybe try some of those pull up type diapers or adult diapers. The cloth may be the way to go most of the time, but maybe there are times you could accommodate him with a bit of discretion.

Answer 6

As far as I am concerned, how you raise YOUR child is your business. Maybe your sis-in-law does not know how to raise a child with special needs so she was trying to offer misplaced advise and not in a conctructive way. I can also understand how humiliating it may have been for your son. Maybe for those special occasions where there is company, you could invest a little on some Depends or one of those overnighters that they have over the counter for your son. They are less obvious and would not embarrass him too much. You also sounded like you were a little stressed with company and festivities that it was excusable to be a little short with your son. Hope you remembered to apologise and explain to him why you were a little short with him. Surprisingly, children understand adults better when we give them a little credit and treat them like little human beings once in a while and not just a little child. Coming from a mother of two young 'uns - after I explain to them why I lost my temper they always say "that's ok mommy, I still love you." Just melts my heart.

Answer 7

I have two with autism, so I know how important routine is. But I agree with whomever said if routine is *that* important, than the party should have ended earlier.

Secondly, a 14 yo's waste is going to need a lot more help than cloth diapers, and I agree that he should be using adult depends by now.

Thirdly, both of you handled the child poorly. He was embarrassed, and it sounds like she wanted him punished by being put to bed, and you just didn't care about his feelings and told him to stop whining. You bet, I'd be humiliated, and if you were him, you'd be embarrassed too.

I'm so sad for him that his Christmas eve was so sad, and his needs were put so far behind.

Answer 8

Every body has the right to parent their kid the way they think is best. But, I can see how your son would have been humiliated in front of others. If it was Christmas eve, would it have been so bad to let him off his strict routine for one night? if he was to get pjs on then why would he be up to playin i think that he/every kid should go to bed after they has gotten ready for bed. But he is old enough to be asked if it would bother him for everyone to see him in his pjs and such. And i can see how your sis in law should mind her own bussines but i think it was wrong of you to snap at her.

Answer 9

I think its your business how you want to parent. But I did have a similar situation with my nephew. he was 11 and a special needs kid. he also wore a diaper at nite. We were careful about his feelings and certainly didnt stick to a rigid schedule about it. you might have waited till he was absolutely ready for bed to do it. Thats what we used to do. We tried to be aware of his embarrasment and limit the times he was exposed to others wearing a diaper.

Answer 10

It isn't your sister in law's business what time your child goes to bed. She needs to be mindful that he is YOUR son, not hers.
I think I'm a bit more concerned with the diapers though...They make adult diapers that would surely fit better on him, and he wouldn't feel so subconcious.