Cat's List of New Years Resolutions’?

Answer 1

# I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

# I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

# I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

# I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

# I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

# I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

# I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

# Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

# I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

# I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

# I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

# I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

# I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

# I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

# If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

# It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

# When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

# When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

# Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

# I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

# I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

# The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

# Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

# I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

# I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

# When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

# I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

# I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

# I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

# I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

# Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

# I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

# The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

# I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

# I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

# I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

# I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

# I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

# I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

# If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

# If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

# A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

Answer 2

Well, it’s a new year and like my human counterpart, I’ve made some resolutions. (May I be forced to roll around in catnip all day long if I stray one iota!)

1. I will remember that some of my humans possessions are NOT toys. (Oops! Caught me!)

2. I will pay attention to my owner at all times, not just before a meal.

3. I will eat whenever I am hungry, heartily and without guilt, until I am full. When finished, I will lick my chops grandly to indicate that indeed that was the finest meal I have ever tasted.

4. I will play with passion. I will rip my toys into shreds whenever possible. I will lose many of them under the sofa. I will also spend many hours and gain much enjoyment from the boxes they come in.

5. I will (almost) always use the litter box and not the house plants.

6. I will only scratch designated scratching posts.

7. I will avoid territorial disputes with other cats. (whenever possible)

8. I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

9. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry , or else one of these days, it will really come true.

10. I will remember computer and TV screens do not exist to back-light my lovely tail.

11. I will only regurgitate food and fur-balls on a tiled surface.

12. I will sleep as much as possible each and every day. The importance of this cannot be overestimated.

13. I will not wake before dawn to play games that require my humans participation, and then incessantly request their presence.

14. I will forget all the above and just BE MYSELF!

15. Lastly, I vow never again to waste precious nap time making New Years resolutions. This delusional practice is better left to humans. We cats have 9 lives to live, thank you very much!

Answer 3

New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

Answer 4

A cat's idea of New Year's resolution is to hand a list to humans. Cats do not feel any improvement is necessary on their part. Here is a typical list of what a cat would ask of its human "pet":

1. Pink salmon for me 3 times a week
2. Change the litter box daily, and like, right now
3. I will share my king size bed with you if you absolutely refuse to sleep on the floor, but you'd better give me some homegrown catnip to return the favor.
4. Clean up my hair balls and puke immediately - I can't stand a messy home.
5. Those little headless mouse "presents" I leave for you are to
show you what I'm capable of if you piss me off.

Answer 5

the new years resolutions i want my cat to have
1 to not scratch my knees
2 to do sweet smelling poos
3 to not spread cat litter around the flat
4 to realise what toys are for.
5 to stop being afraid of her pet carrier

my cats actual resolutions
1 to have a continual supply of tuna
2 to not allow me out the door and to have constant attention
3 to have the heater on 24 hours
4 to never go to the horrible place where they stuck a thermometer up her bum and stuck sharp things in her (the vets) again

Answer 6

I will try to quit hissing when I don't get my own way; not attack my mother's friends when they come over; erase that nasty reputation I have at the vet's office; enter a 12 step program for that cat nip addiction I have been suffering from; not destroy things just because they are left out, and purr more often that way I can get what I want.

Answer 7

1, I WILL use the scratching post, not the settee
2, I will not lick my bum in public
3, Next Christmas I will not knock the Christmas tree over
4, I will destroy all Spiders that come into my house before my owner screams when she See's them.
5, I will not jump up onto the dining table.

See I'm Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect!

Answer 8

get that *@#mned bunny in the back yard
get that @*#mned squirrel in the front yard
catch that possum and make my human mess his britches
leave the skunk in the culvert ALONE!!!
bring in another snake so my human's lovely wife can scream some more (it gives me a shot of adrenaline what a rush!)
eat more birds (though my humans dislike it when i do this, they are a delicacy and must be eaten frequently, at least as often as i can sneak out of the house)

Answer 9

I just watched that Antoine Dodson video with a superimposed cat head and I came rainbows.

Answer 10

1) Chew more paper
2) Cough up more hairballs
3) Annoy my humans as much as possible
4) Kill the rubber pider (it's missing a leg. not a full spider)
5) Drown any hair scruncies I find

Answer 11

to not miss the cat box and to not wake up mommy at 4 am