I have a very large family (Father has seven siblings, all married with kids, mother has four siblings, all married with kids). Given this, I knew my wedding was going to be large. However, I don't want to INVITE more than 250 people to my wedding. I have narrowed my parents' side down to 80 people (from 150). My fiance and I have 50 (wedding party and friends). His family, which is small (father has two siblings, married, with only eight kids including guests, mother has one sibling, married with six kids including guests), refuses to cut their list to 120 people. They included people I've never met before. They invited my finace's grandmother's sister (which is fine, mine is too) and her family...as in, Finace's grandmother's sister's husband kids and spouses AND their children. This is just a small example. I could go on.
I have talked to my finace and he won't tell his family to cut the list. He thinks its "proper" that they get invited. Again, people I've never met.
2006-12-27 08:08:36 · 10 answers · asked by Just tryin' to help 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
My parents are paying, but I don't want to tell them to invite whomever as long as they pay because they will invite 100 more people. It is more a matter of principle. I don't want to be at my wedding saying "Hi, I'm Jane, nice to meet you...and you are? Like my dress" (Unless it's for someone's date, I'm okay with that)
Am I being totally ridiculous? How do I get them to cut the people I've never even met. My finace and I have been together for six years, if I don't know them by now, I don't want them at my wedding!
2006-12-27 08:11:51 · update #1
My parents are totally content and happy with their 80 people, and we are happy with our 50. We are GIVING them the extra, so they can have 120.
I can't tell them they have to pay, they will do that happily and I just don't want that many people.
I can't tell them the size of the hall, their other son got married their two years ago, they know.
Thank you for your answers so far!
2006-12-27 08:35:54 · update #2
Slap you Fiance up the side of the head! He must be one of those types who grew up with a "sense of entitlement". He, nor his family, has a say / leverage if your parents are paying. Give them the tough love reality treatment: pay up if they insist on barely known family members attending. Young children at weddings aside from flower girl / ring bearer create problems too from the perspective of behavior and the need to be entertained.
Grandmother's sister? unless she is a caregiver, driver or roommate for Granny is that invite really necessary? Has she been a part of your life in terms of time spent with you, attending functions honoring or supporting you in the past etc. Rethink the relatives and acquaintances that have trouble recalling your name or could not pick you out in a crowd. Those who decline the invitation (normally 10-18%) will give you some wiggle room, but I feel it time to man-up, Miss. Take some of the pressure off your parents by being vocal, confident and "owning" the tough decisions. They are providing the capitol so you have to stand up for yourself and their interests.
2006-12-27 08:48:00 · answer #1 · answered by J.J. 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is a pretty simple solution to this. You all need to set some ground rules. (For all sides involved.)
Your fiance (or him and you) should approach his parents with them, and you (or you and your fiance) should approach your parents, and let both sets know that the same rules apply to both sides, and yourselves as well.
250/3=83 1/3, right? OK then. Basically you need to let each set know that to be fair to each other you only get a MAXIMUM of 80 people each. They also need to order these people in order of importance.
Tell them that:
A) This is the fairest way to do it.
B) This keeps the correct number of on the rolls.
C) Just in case the venue decides to throw something at you and you need to cut people you can go from the bottom of each list and cut a specific number of people, and not just cut from one side.
D) Damn, weddings are expensive, aren't they? Remind his folks that their is a price tag to this event, and that if they INSIST on inviting every single person they have ever met, and won't bend, you will let them. On ONE condition. They have to PAY for every guest over that 80 maximum. It's only fair.
I know it's not a super happy solution, but it is super practical, rather than pay for a 350+ person wedding.
2006-12-27 08:28:18 · answer #2 · answered by Laura 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just explain to them that you can only invite so many people. If you want you can tell them due to cost, the venue limitations (some places will only allow so many people) or the fact that you want a smaller and more intimate wedding. All of these can work and do not sound like you are eliminating on purpose. There were a lot of people we didn't invite to my wedding--the groom's family is big and we couldn't invite everyone due to lack of room at the reception site. Hope everything works out.
2006-12-27 08:25:12 · answer #3 · answered by fallencupid79 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If your parents are paying for the wedding, they have the right to set their own budget. If your fiance won't tell his family to cut the list, then you should talk to him about having his family contribute to the costs. If your parents cannot afford to pay for all these people, then how can his parents invite them? If you're willing to compromise, perhaps you could ask his parents to forego paying for the rehearsal dinner (traditionally pay for by the parents of the groom) and instead use that money towards the wedding reception. Also, perhaps you should try to arrange a family get-together with all the parents so that you can hash out these issues face-to-face. Maybe, if his parents are being told face to face by your parents that they can't afford all these people, they will get the message. Otherwise, I would say that until everyone agrees to the guest list, you should postpone the wedding until you and your fiance can save enough money together to pay for all of these guests.
2006-12-27 08:20:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
No you are being practical. YOU sit down with your future inlaws and tell them how many they can invite and you invite the same number. It is only fair if your family is paying for the wedding. If they want to invite more people, then they will have to pay the extra.
I would tell them that it is your wedding and it will be your way or you and your fiance could simply fly to Vegas and get married there.
Good luck!
2006-12-27 08:21:54 · answer #5 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know what this is like, but it's a tough hurdle to get over. AT a meeting you should have had with both sets of parents, limits should have been set.
You sound most upset about there being people at your wedding that you don't know - but it's always like that with even your own family, when there might be relatives you don't know, or older cousins you don't know well. And with your husband-to-be's family, everyone will want to meet you and get to know you a bit. It's unfair of you to say because you haven't met them in the last six years you don't want them at your wedding.
Parents have different reasons than we do for wanting people at their kids' weddings - they have attended others kids' weddings over the years, and may want to reciprocate. Also, weddings are fabulous times for extended families to get together.
I think in this case, because your parents are paying for the wedding (shame on you for that by the way, you and your fiance should be paying for your own wedding - this is not the 1970s!), you leave it up to them to control the numbers of the guest list. Be respectful of both sets of parents, and your man's wishes, too. Remember, it is a family wedding, NOT just your day.
2006-12-27 10:22:13 · answer #6 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
no, you are not being ridiculous. each family should have the same number of invites, or they can pay for the extra people themselves. once they realize that all those extra "proper" invites are going to run them thousand of dollars, they'll change their minds. you might also want to sit down with them and remind them that it is YOUR day. if you haven;t even met the people or your fiance hasn't seen them in years, there is no reason for them to be invited.
2006-12-27 08:21:54 · answer #7 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I agree. Whomever is paying dictates the guest list. If they want more people, they have to pony up the cash. Your parents should give his parents a call and relate this to them. You are being very reasonable
2006-12-27 08:18:25 · answer #8 · answered by wayne 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
if your fiance cant stand up for you and tell his parents then you should really think if hes the kind of guy you want to marry. or why dont you say something? its your wedding...not their party.
2006-12-27 13:34:53 · answer #9 · answered by Jenn ♥Cadence Jade's mum♥ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if your parents are paying, then technically, they have the first rights on the guest list. it's your fiance's responsibility to speak to his family about their guest list. if your in-laws want additional people invited, the right thing is for them to pay for those people themselves.
2006-12-27 08:15:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋