So they met one single glance
What made him look her way
Her heart would give
Just one more chance
Could it be
Is it he, the one
So she fell
but still afraid
and as she blinked, that love was gone.
2006-12-27 07:51:09 · 19 answers · asked by dreamer 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Possibly you could consider changing it a bit thusly,
With a single glance they met,
But what made him look her way?
Her heart would give one more chance;
Could it be or is it he, the one?
She fell still afraid and as she blinked,
To her surprise love was gone.
I have written many poems and had many published. I hope you see the difference in these two poems. I must say that your poem has merit but changed in format it is better.
2006-12-27 07:58:08 · answer #1 · answered by Lewis P 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The first part didn't really make much sense...but otherwise it has some potential...I do offer the suggestion though of writing a little more or just revising what has already been written to capture a little bit more of your emotions because it kind of sounds like you are retelling this from an outside perspective and poetry is typically an expression of emotion...Good luck and take care:)
2006-12-27 15:55:48 · answer #2 · answered by serenity113001 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the lyrics are full of meaning and that is a great start to a great poem. i think u should add more of a rhyming sceam without losing the true meaniing the the peom if at all possible. if u rote this, then u should really persue in writing because that truely is a beautiful poem. good luck with writing!:)
2006-12-27 15:55:52 · answer #3 · answered by anysportzchik 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I thought the concept was interesting. In the future let yourself feel deeper in that blink. Be more amazed at the journey and you will keep the reader interested.
2006-12-27 19:41:15 · answer #4 · answered by donewithyahooanswers 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I truly think it is just like Cinderrella
see... she was a beutiful princess until midnight
then, everything got swept away
It is pretty much saying that she saw a ghost
or that she was dreaming
I liked though
2006-12-27 15:54:44 · answer #5 · answered by GUHoyasRock 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, it's good. But maybe you should add more emotional feeling into it. Make the reader FEEL the message within the poem-to capture every single word that you have written.
I hope I helped!!
2006-12-27 15:53:45 · answer #6 · answered by sweetdollツ 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very nice. A brief moment in time, described simply yet eloquently.
2006-12-27 15:54:08 · answer #7 · answered by boredperv 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a shadow or shade
weathered gust now passed
love the one in countless stars
for it is thus the one that lasts
;)
2006-12-27 15:57:34 · answer #8 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The pace is a little weird, IMO, but it's your poem, and it isn't bad.
2006-12-27 15:54:15 · answer #9 · answered by Haven 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a little short, GREAT WRITING though, you might add just one more stanza. Overall, AMAZING POEM!!!!!!
Good luck and Happy New Years!!!!
2006-12-27 15:54:10 · answer #10 · answered by bluedevilfan0888 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋