Please check out my poem about my breakup---what do you think?

Question

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ladyalyssespoems


too many characters to put on this site---
thank you very much:)

Answer 1

This is personal. It's something that really means a lot to you, and it's really going to help other girls going through the same thing.

It's what you needed to help get over the breakup.

However, with this style of poem, it isn't probably for the criticism of other people. This poem DOES have merit, even if only for you.

From one poet to another:

1) Put this away and don't look at it for 5-10 years. When you look at it again, you'll see how innocent and immature you were back then. (it happens to us all)

2) I'm not a rhyme type of girl, but if you are--make the rhymes less apparent. No one should be able to predict the next word used.

3) You aren't going to please everyone, but don't overuse emotion. It's not fair to you or your audience.

4) Who are you writing for? Once you figure that out, you won't need anyone's approval. Were you writing this for yourself? Then you don't need a bunch of strangers to praise or criticize it.

Answer 2

This sounds like a personal letter to your "ex" and not so much a poem or reality.

I'm not trying to be mean, actually you were able to get your feelings down on paper and this goes a long way in the healing process. Believe me; I once cut letters from an ex boyfriends cherished poster to tell him I thought he was a J E R K.

But, I'm married now (not to the J E R K). My husband makes me sad, angry, and confused but most of all he makes me thank the lucky stars I have him. Because he also makes me laugh and feel very much loved. I hope you get where you need to be!

Answer 3

I think your poem is awesome--very emotional and well thought out!!It seems you know what you want out of a relationship based on your thoughts and the poem sounds like it's bringing you some closure to a hurtful experience. I hope the new year brings you someone who will treat you right. Good luck:)

Answer 4

I enjoyed it, but at the same time I feel like some of the things you want are like never being unhappy are unrealistic. Relationships are a lot of work, but at the end of the day it's all about who you really want to be laying there next to. I can feel your anger towards his ex and his unresolved feelings towards her, but I feel like you're not putting anything on you. I think you need to be a strong person and realize you have the right to walk away the first time he reaches to someone else... Overall very meaningful poem, perhaps a bit redundant at times, but definately gets your point out.

Answer 5

Very good!! I write poems myself now and then and had I seen this before Christmas I could have given you another to send to him:

you have treated me like a dog
during all of this last year
And haven't done a single thing
To give me any cheer
You haven't done a thing, my dear
To cause my heart to melt
So for you I hang my mistletoe
At my back, down on my belt!!

Answer 6

honestly, the message seems to be heartfelt and genuine but its structure seems to be too rigid and boxy. a bit too sing-song-y, if you will.

let's take a few of your lines here and rework them:

I want someone who I have no doubt in my mind is true,
I do not want other girls telling things you swear you did not do.
I want someone who thinks before doing things that might hurt me,
Maybe not one who does things only for himself, always, as if a guarantee.

if i were trying to convey this message in a poem, i might take it like this:

trust the harpies cries, i do not wish to hear
nor never the doubt your heart is true
a gentle wind-swept thought amidst a tear
sometimes think of me in spite of you

it might take a little more thought or sometimes not, it depends on the inspiration. it's fun to play with the rhythm of words and odd rhyming schemes... sometimes poems don't have to rhyme. good luck.

Answer 7

Umm... to be honest, it sounds like you just wrote a letter stating what happened and how you feel... and made the words rhyme.

You need some more meter, that means... making the lines all similar length so that it flows when you read it.

Your words and thoughts are good, but the presentation needs some work.

Answer 8

Your poem speaks of a lot of personal pain and I really felt that when reading it. Very good. I to like to write poetry. I want those "things" to by the way (your poem) "sigh" ;)

Answer 9

Fan f'ing tastic! Takes a strong person to make that decision, but I think you made the right one. You're a pretty girl, you probably have tons of great guys looking to be with you, you just don't see it. ;-)

Answer 10

Good job; expresses what most of us are looking for. Sorry about the breakup.