19 year-old daughter thinks I am being unreasonable. What do you think?

Question

My daughter is 19, and lives at home while attending college. Her first year was less than stellar (in polite terms!), and we told her that if that continued we would withdraw any financial support for college. Generally, she is a good kid, but lacks motivation. She has always worked part-time, but in November accepted a full-time position, and just informed me that she is planning to only go to school part-time. (This to me is her way of saying - my fall grades are gonna be bad!). I am pretty angry about this. She lives in my home, we support her, and she just up and decides to go to part-time? We were not happy about the full-time work, and told her that from the get go. I just think she is wasting an opportunity for an education, and it's not like she "needs" the money - she blows it on clothes and shoes!
Am I right to be ticked off or is she right to say she is an adult and can make her own decisions? (Granted in my book adults have BILLS!!!)

Answer 1

I'm 24 ... and I say you're absolutley right. She can have a part time job for play money but the longer it takes her to finish school, the longer it will take for her to get a "real job" and make real money. She's not thinking like an adult right now because the peanuts they pay you at 19 with no degree will not get you very far in life. Remind her that after she's done with school she will have to work every day of her life, full time, so why start now?? Enjoy the luxury of still being taken care of while going to school and sure have a part time job so you can afford your social life or save up for things you want ... when you get out in the real world you will have to work every day, you dont get summer vacation, xmas vacation, spring break and everything else inbetween. So don't throw this time of your life away for what you think is big money or a better deal.

Answer 2

She is an adult at the age of 19, and if she is working a full-time job now, then if she continues to live with you, she should start paying rent and a bill and help out around the house, do encourage her to continue her educate, (part-time) is better then no time! She may just need a break for the following semester by going part-time and then after that she can go full time again. It's better to talk about this as friends, you giving her advice, and not as a over-controlling mother because that will only push her away and make her make decisions out of anger. I hope things work out for the best. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I am kind of going through this same issue. I have come to this conclusion. I let my daughter underexcell to the point of complacency. At the point that she stopped attending college Full time I know I should have charged her rent. I should have charged her rent when she was going to school full time..something like 25% of her take home pay...and started a savings for her. kids now adays do not realize the importance of a budget or an education. As a parent you really only get one shot. send her a bill stating that January 1st she owes you X amount of dollars..If she is working full time make it more. If she does not pay, Give her 30 days notice. I know this is hard, but better now than in the real world. And really, if she wants to be an adult let her. Have her pay all of her own bills. It is such a weird age. You can no longer make then do things that you want them to do, but you can however make decisions based on their attitudes. I am at the end of this process with my daughter. She is now signing up for school, because she does not want to pay for all of her bills.

They need to know that it is not always fun to be a grown up!

Take care and good luck!!

Answer 4

Well, i'm 23 and kinda went through the same situation. I think that your daughter has to be ready to go to school. I went for 2 years and my grades suffered because I was so ready to do other things, like get married, have a job, etc. I wasn't ready for school. With her living at home I still believe that it is your call as the parent, especially with you providing financial support. If she chooses to work full time, I think you should make her move out and live on her own and realize how difficult it is living on your own with a job that probably does not pay nearly as much as it would if she finished school. I've been trying to get back into school for 2 years now and it's very hard to do when you get into the 40/week jobs, and a family. I think that you can be angry, but just give her options, either she goes to school and works part time still living at home, or she works full time, goes to school part time, and moves out. I hope this helps a little.

Answer 5

Hey I'm 22 and when I first went to college at 18 I slacked off too. Until I got out there on my own and started working at jobs that didn't pay much and I hated and I decided to go back to school. And honestly even though she doesn't have any bills she still has the right to want to do for herself financially as much as possible. I would pay for her part time semester but if her grades are bad let the next semester be on her she's working with no bills she should be able to handle it! You have every right to be mad. I am now in school and I have 8 months left and I'll have my associate degree in CADD it took me a while to find my major. That may be another reason for her just going to get a job maybe she doesn't know what she wants to do I had 5 majors in one year. Just be there for her!

P.S. Did I mention that I had a full scholarship and lost it. My mama wasn't so happy with me either!

Answer 6

I can see why you are upset, but she is an adult and you probably need to step back from the situation and look at it a little more rationally and figure out what will work for your family. You certainly have the option to tell her to move and force her to be responsible for herself.

However, this is what worked for me when one of my kids did the same thing and it helped her learn to be responsible and accountable.

I had no problem with my daughter continuing to live at home, but I started charging her rent at a rate of 25% of her take home pay. I did not tell her this, but I put the money in a savings account for her so she'd have some $$ when she was ready to move out.

I told her that I would reimburse her for tuition and books for all classes where she earned a B or above. She had to pay up front and I paid her back once I saw the final grades. Because she was attending part-time, she was able to manage the tuition without financial aid, but another option would be to work out an agreement where you would set money aside for each passing grade to help her pay off her student loans.

Answer 7

Honestly your 19 year old does not know exactly how excellent she has it. Ma'am i'm 20 years old and if I had the opportunity your daughter has,All I have to do is go to school and study . I would go to school.It's very hard trying to balance school,work and making time for studying. seriously your daughter in my opinion is in a situation better than alot of young adults. I wish my parents could have afforded to send me to school,and tell me all I would have to do is study. They would let me live at home, and give me spending money to buy clothes and shoes. "If I were you I would tell her as long as she is living under my roof and I'm paying the bills she will do as I say" It might be something that she might not want to hear but oh well! Life is to hard to just throw a chance at achieving and education away.
As far as the job is concearned since she says she is an adult make her start paying you either rent or paying a bill in the house show her how hard it is and do not be soft on her do not help her. If you make her pay rent make a contract stating that she will either pay rent or a bill. once you choose which one you will assighn her. Then in the contract under terms if she cannot balance working paying the bill on time, going to school, and keeping her grades where you want them then you have terms to give her the choice of quitting the job or finding a new place to live where she has no choice to abide by the rules and paybills or she will be on the street.
Seriously ,This is a life lesson that one of my family members had to go through because he wanted to do the same thingsshe is doing. he ended up resighning from his job and going to school now he is a College math teacher with a Bachlors degree.

Just be firm and do not give in or feel sorry for her because the real world does not.

Answer 8

Its probably better off if she works and goes to school part time. In the near future a single college degree isnt going to get you very far. The more and more people that attend college the less office jobs are and the lower the salaries are going to be. If she starts working now and making money she will have a jump start on her financials when she finishes college. As long as the full-time position can provide some type of job experience for her future jobs I wouldnt worry too much.

Answer 9

If she wants to live as an adult then that is fine. But you're 100% correct in saying that adults have bills and responsibilities. If she chooses to blow this opportunity for a free-ride at college (I know a few people who would jump at this, if you're interested! :) ) that IS her choice. However, it is now up to you to be a parent and lay down the law. She needs to either move out and support herself or pay you rent and her fair share of the bills, food, etc. If you let her slide on this you aren't doing anyone any favors and she'll still be there in ten years.

Sometimes it is a good choice to go to work, if it is a good opportunity or if it is something she is interested in. You can no longer make those decisions for her but you CAN make those decisions harder and teach her about REAL life. (It pretty much sucks!). Time to step up mom and do your job!

Answer 10

Try to encourage her to finish school, but let her know that if she wants to stay at home and work full time she will be responsible for part of the monthly bills in your home (when my husband still lived at home with his parents before we met, his parents made him pay rent, but they kept the money and let him have it when he moved out-maybe that would be a way to pay for further college should she decide to continue later). I wish I'd had the support and encouragement of my parents to go to college, but that was not the case. I never attended and regret to a point. However, some kids are just not cut out for school. Maybe she needs a year or so off to mature. Both my husband and I didn't attend college and we both make decent money and have longevity in our jobs and are pretty happy. Good luck.