Let me start by saying that in general my in laws are very nice people.
However, I have a problem with my mother in law undermining me when it comes to my 1 year old son. She has always told me it's a grandmothers perogative to spoil the grandchildren. Which I agree with to a point.
However, particularly when it comes to food, my mother in law does not listen to me. When ever we visit she tries to give him "snacks" (he eats 3 meals a day and 1 snack a day, he doesn't need more snacks). When I say he doesn't need them, she gives them to him anyway. The worst was last night. To make a long story short, I said, "no pie for Vincent, since he didn't have a good dinner" My mother in law got him to eat some greenbeans and said he's eating and I said doesn't matter, because he didn't eat a normal meal. She ignored what I said and fed him pie. I said no pie at least 3 more times and she blatently ignored me and kept feeding him.
Any suggestions please? It is not a 1 time thing.
2006-12-27
06:10:16
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22 answers
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asked by
Anonymous
in
Pregnancy & Parenting
➔ Parenting
I should mention we live close and she gets to see him quite often like, once a week a lot or once every 2 weeks. If she lived far away and she didn't see him much, I probably wouldn't mind so much.
Also, once reason I don't want her giving him extra food is not because I am worrying about him being fat, he's in a good weight range, it's because he won't eat his regular meals when he snacks.
2006-12-27
06:24:53 ·
update #1
I also want to say that he eats hardy meals when he eats and the meals and snacks is routine for everyone at his daycare. He gains weight at an appropriate amount and his pediatrician isn't worried about weight at all. He gets full, you can tell, because he plays with his food, so he does eat pleanty during th eday, but if you keep the food there, he'll continue to pick at it. There are many adults that do the same thing, so the issue is not that he's hungry. If he's hungry I always feed him even if it doesn't fit with in the typical amount he eats.
My issue is not with his eating habits or his being hungry or not, it is my mother in law blatenly ignoring me and saying things like "shhh..don't tell mom" or "that mean old mommy, here have some animal crakers" Last night was just the last thing she did that bugged me and space is limited so that's the situation I gave. He also had a small fever last night which is probably why he didn't eat well, but my issue was with my MIL.
2006-12-27
06:59:47 ·
update #2
You and your husband need to sit with your mother in law and give her the positive feedback of her grandmothering skills.
Then disclose some concerns on how his and your parenting is being ignored and this is a problem that needs to be addressed.
I would not allow her to feed those foods physicaly. Meaning, don't just tell her no, physically remove your child and remove the food.
Having her tell your child "Don't tell mommy" and "mean ol mommy" will cause your child to have behavioral issues of keeping this from you and finding grandma is the good and parents are the bad = rebellion.
No unsupervised visits until the supervised visits show she does not have this behavior while you two are present.
2006-12-27 09:26:28
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answer #1
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answered by Mutchkin 6
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It has to be very frustrating when you are trying to do the right thing by your child and your wishes are ignored by your mother-in-law. First, I would re-evaluate the situation and determine how much of a problem this really is. If you only see her once a week or so, then is it really so bad that he gets a treat from Grandma? Of course you want him to have healthy relationships with food, but if he is eating well the rest of the time, a once-a-week indulgence does not seem dangerous and it obviously gives Grandma pleasure to offer up the sweets once in a while. Also, a one year old is probably not really ready to eat a full and balanced meal at every meal. They should eat small, nutritious helpings throughout the day.
However, if this is really a problem (Grandma), then the best policy is to get her alone and calmly and respectfully tell her how much she means to you and your son and how much you appreciate her, but that you need her help in making sure he eats properly. Tell her that you are afraid if she feeds him in spite of your protests he will not grow up to understand that Mom is in charge of his nutritional health and that he might decide he can eat whatever and whenever he wants in spite of what you say. This could be a major problem when he enters school. Even though you are not currently concerned about his weight, show her some articles on childhood obesity and let her know that is a real threat if he doesn't grow up with the proper habits.
You can't expect her to get your message the way you intend it unless you have a two way conversation with her. Expecting her to pick up on your feelings from a comment or two here or there does not work, as much as we wish it would. You'll feel better if you have that conversation.
2006-12-27 06:53:37
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answer #2
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answered by Anonymous
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Been there, done that...you have a few choices.
This is what I would try first : Take her to lunch and discuss your concerns privately with her - don't blame her, use " I feel" phrases and tell her that while you can see her perspective and know she is a great mom because she raised such a wonderful son etc... that you feel undermined when she feeds Vincent foods you don't feel he should eat. Then the two of you can hopefully set agreed upon guidelines for treats and desserts. Personally, I wouldn't worry about a few extra snacks as long as your child is active. Most kids have two to three healthy snacks a day. The key word being healthy, not junk or sweets. That approach worked for me somewhat.
If that doesn't work, tell her that your doctor advised you to not let Vincent have products containing whatever you object to yet but that he can have some fruit instead. That is what finally worked for me with my MIL and her obsession with giving my kids candy and diet soda. My authority as a parent or counselor wasn't enough for her, but as soon as the words "the doctor said" I had her full attention.
2006-12-27 08:06:28
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answer #3
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answered by Jane 3
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First, consider whether this is only about your child's health or perhaps also a little about 'competition'. The latter would be quite normal and understandable.
Then, it may be a good idea for you and Mom-in-law to have a conversation, just the two of you, with no kids present.
Start by inviting her to lunch.
Then, make sure you give her lots of credit for having been a great Mom to her son (your husband). Don't resort to flattery, but try to pull up anything and everything note-worthy she ever did for her kid(s).
Then, tell her that you want to be a great Mom, too, and that you've tried very hard to do only the best for your child. Weave into the conversation some things you learned about child nutrition, and ask her opinion about the advances in nutritional science. "What do you think, (her name or whatever you call her), are vegetables really better for people since they build strong muscles and bones?". She can't possibly say that 'no, sweets are better'.
If she does, consider finding excuses from having her around at any mealtimes!
Probably, she will agree with you on proper nutrition.
Then, tell her you could really use her help:
Tell her that it has been hard to you to get Junior to eat all the vegetables he needs (Don't mention it's because of her interference!)
Ask her if she would consider helping you make sure he gets all the good nutrition he needs. She can't possibly deny you!
Then, thank her every time she feeds him something good.
2006-12-27 06:40:35
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answer #4
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answered by flywho 5
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First of all your husband should handle it. They are his parents. Sit down with your husband and work out some ground rules.
Some suggestions are give her information on juvenille diabetes and let her know that a child who is overweight of eats too much sugar as at a higher risk. Suggest other ways she can spoil him. She can make his favorite healthy dinner. Buy him a good book and read it together. Take him someplace special or do something fun with him that you often don't have time to do, cooking or crafts.
But if she will not follow your rules it is an issue of respect and understanding of your authority. Pick your son up and do not allow him to eat what she is giving him. Let her know that when he takes what she is giving him against your wishes he is disobeying and he will be corrected and punished accordingly. If she would like to offer him a bite fine, but if he takes it he will go to time out or lose dessert the rest of the week at home. Do not let her be portrayed as the good guy.
BUT let it come from your husband more than you. Present a united front.
Good Luck.
2006-12-27 06:58:43
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answer #5
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answered by micheletmoore 4
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I know exactly where you are coming from! My own mother does the same thing with my 6 year old and 2 year old. My 2 year old doesn't eat well anyway and when she baby sits (she only lives a mile down the road) she won't feed her anything halfway healthy. If I ask if she gave her lunch she just says "oh, she had some cookies and ice cream". I've told her flat out to feed her something more substantial but she is soooo pigheaded and thinks she knows kids although she hasn't had any little ones around in probably 20 years! Maybe your husband should talk to his mom about it. The hardest part is you don't want to cause problems but I think the grandparents just don't care anymore!
2006-12-27 06:52:13
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answer #6
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answered by party_pam 5
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I have the same issues..kinda. Im a little bit meaner and people know that if they dont listen to me they are gonna get it! Not something im exactly super proud of, but oh well... My daughter is 2 and my in laws live close as well, and we also lived with them during my pregnancy till my daughter was about 5 mnths old. Believe me, I know! My MIL lovs to spoil my daughter and i hav to tell her "NO!" I am very strict on sugar, no candy, cokes, cookies, cakes, etc... Also, my MIL likes to get her a happy meal anytime she has her and thats also not okay with me. The only way I know how to deal is to tell her no and explain why, and if she doesnt listen pick up the child and leave the room. But i mean, as long as your MIL is feeding him healthy snacks it eally isnt that bad. Hes only one yr old and at that age its normal for the to have healthy snacks through the day. They go through stages where they seem hungry all the time and then other times they dont want to eat a thing! But the bottom line is ALWAYS that YOU are the MOM and what you say goes!
2006-12-27 06:45:58
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answer #7
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answered by Aubrey 5
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Yes, grandparents are notorious for doling out treats. It doesn't make it okay for her to call you "mean" and hand him treats OR to coax him to eat dinner he's not hungry for in order to give him pie against your wishes.
You and your husband need to have a face-to-face conversation with her outside the presence of your son. Explain that you are careful with the treats you give your son and that her behavior in front of your son undermines your parenting. It really won't hurt him to "graze" instead of sitting down to three larger meals a day (in fact it's healthier), so perhaps you can agree on snacks that she CAN hand out at will. "Treats" don't have to be pie, there are all-fruit popsicles that are a treat in any toddler's book.
If all else fails, apply the same method you would to a ornery toddler. Tell her if she continues this behavior, you're going to cut short your visit. Then do it.
2006-12-27 09:27:02
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answer #8
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answered by eli_star 5
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This is a common thing especially when your children are young. I have a Mother-in-law who basically is shoved so far up my 2 1/2 year olds sons' butt, you can't tell where he stops and she begins.... Everything I say to her goes out one ear and out the other. But the best thing is to remember that she is doing it out of love for her grand child, not to spite you on purpose. My mother in law and I have sat down and we politely talked about some "non-negotaiable rules" there was about 7 or 8 rules that when she was with him she had to follow. Other than that, she could do whatever she wanted to do with him (with in reason). If she didn't follow them, she wouldn't beable to see him until she promised to follow the rules Now it's alot better, I never expected for her to follow all the rules all the time, but I can plainly see that she does put forth the effort to obide our rules. It makes everything alot easier if the ground rules are set forth from the begining
2006-12-27 06:23:31
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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i understand your anger and frustration and probably being hesitant to create strife with your mother in law. maybe inviting her to lunch or just finding time face to face to talk to her without any distractions about it. tell her you are concerned with your son's eating habits and that will the problem with obesity and its medical issues you wish to teach him to eat not only healthy but wisely and that over doing it on the snacking is not healthy and you know she wants him to be. also point out that it may be a 'grandmothers' perogative but that when she does it she is creating major problems between your son and you and that you know she doesn't mean to do it but its still happening. tell her you value her input and that you both need to come to some sort of comprimise as you love her dearly and this is causing some problems for you with you and her relationship. saying that sometimes g-ma's can get caught up in the 'spoiling' the grandkids thing, maybe they think its expected or maybe their mothers never did that to her kids, who knows she probably has no idea this is such a big deal to you, its kind of like yeah, she protests but its really just the mommy vs g-ma game but she needs to understand that she needs to support you in raising your child, making it easier not more difficult. be gentle, be kind but be firm and i'll bet if you two are alone and you talk to her like an adult and point out your feelings and thoughts she will try to honor them. she loves you too and if you are honest and direct she will realize she is hurting you and your son and both relationships in the long run. good luck
2006-12-27 06:26:38
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answer #10
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answered by ?! 6
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