Should I accept paternity?

Question

I have been told by the mother that she is pregnant. I have total faith in believing I am the father. However, we are not married, and have only been seeing each other for 4 months. We have acknowledged that this pregnancy was unexpected and that we had not planned a life together yet. We are still together as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I was starting to question the relationship before the news. She has given me the options to stay and be a 50% parent or leave and never see the child or her again. I can see advantages to both...I have a lot of things planned for my life, but am afraid of the psycological problems I may develop not knowing my child. I am very afraid of what my family and friends will think and the fact that I am not finacially secure right now. The mother insists that she will not ask for money. I am looking for input on what I should do, specifically from fathers and mothers that have been in the same situation.

Answer 1

Definitely have a peternity test and do the right thing. If the baby is yours take care of it. If you get a paternity test, she wont be able to keep the baby away from you. I would definitely not give up you rright as a parent... I dont care if you have "plans". You should have thought about that before hand. God has plans too. And he has planned on you being a parent now...

Answer 2

I know your situation (from the mothers side) and it's tough. I told my husband (wasn't then) that he could leave and I would never bother him again. He never did, but he was distant and cold for a while. I think once you see that ultrasound, hear the heart beat, see that beautiful baby.....everything else will melt away. It did for him! I gave him a 100 chances to check paternity (I knew he was the father, but I NEVER wanted a doubt in his mind). From the moment she was born and he held her, he said she could be the milk man's and he wouldn't care. She is the BIGGEST daddy's little girl you have ever seen now! He may have been in a different place in his life (career set, college over, finacially secure, etc) but I don't think that would have changed his mind. Plus, I will tell ya....when the first year together involves a pregnancy, it gives you an incredible bond! I couldn't imagine another man in my life, even though the first time we met each other's parents....I was already pregnant! His mother HATED it, his family stuck up there noses that we would never last. Well, got married 6 months ago and we planned out second child for just a couple months after that. We have the strongest relationship I've ever known and a great family. Things work out, follow your heart, it won't steer you wrong.

Answer 3

I know you havent been together very long at all but making a child is a huge deal and lets face it we all know the consequences of unprotected sex. If you don't feel happy being with this women as a couple at least stick around for the child. I grew up with out my father and let me tell you it still bothers me to this day and he passed away a year ago tomorrow. Money doesnt have anything to do with it because no matter how well off you are in life there will never be enough money. Money comes and goes there will always be more. It will make you misserable knowing you have a child that you never see, not to mention what it will do to the child itself!! Child hood is brutal, we never get over it. I have a son of my own now and a baby girl on the way and i couldn't emagine what my life would be like if i never spent time with them. I don't understand anyone that could or doesnt. My husband is a great father, i know my son would be lost with out him! The desicion that you make will determine the rest of your life but that doesn't mean it's a bad or good thing. You can still be a parent and make something great out of your life half of it has to do with your child. I know i would be very lonely with out mine. Being a parent isn't a burden it's a privlage. And about what your family will think, who cares it's your life and whatever you decide to do they should support you. I hope you decide the right thing!!

Answer 4

Okay, I didn't take the time to read any of the other replies, but please, please, please listen: If you sign a paternity affidavit at the time of the birth of the child, you are the child's father. Period. Under the law, you have only 90 days to request a paternity test IF YOU SIGN THE AFFIDAVIT. After that time, you are legally the father. And, she doesn't have to ask for money. She can go to the local courthouse and request that the state intervene on her behalf. And whether you are financially secure or not, you will have child support payments for the next 18 years, plus possibly college expenses, medical expenses, you get the idea. You need to be absolutely sure of what you are doing. You can file a paternity action at the courthouse without the assitance of an attorney. You can have a paternity test done. But if you walk away, the courts can and will find you. A decision to have a child is one thing; walking away thinking you are done is another. THINK THINK THINK and sign nothing unless you are ready for that kind of responsibility.

Answer 5

You should have thought about these problems before going for unsafe sex with a partner of just four months. Anyway, this brave girl has not given a third option - for you to stay and for the baby to go (sadly). Reason may be either she too knows that you are not quite sure about the relationship.

Today she says she would not need money but tomorrow her mind may change and you will then be in a soup.

I think, both of you should deeply think about your
relationship. What do you want? Do you love the girl and want to marry her? Does she love you after what had happened (particularly after your show of lack of responsibility)?

Developing a family, running a home, becoming parents and growing up with children -- all are vital issues. I don't think hiding this from your parents would be helpful. They would get to know about it anyway. If your parents are friendly, consult with them.

However, if both of you have a strong bond to stay together, if both of you love each other, get married and be parents (if possible) or if you don't, get out of the relation gracefully (if possible)
and do not let yourself get into the same situation in future.

Answer 6

I would suggest that you first take a paternity test and if the child is yours step up and take responsiblity for your actions. My son's father chose to walk away once he found out I was pregnant. I never talked bad about my son's father nor did I volunteer any information but when my son asked about him I answered as best as I could. But I would never tell him why his dad didn't want to be in his life I left that little chore up to him. Now my son is 12 years old and now his father wants to step up....it's a little late! My son talks to him when he calls but other than that he could take him or leave him. My sons father tells me whenever I talk to him how much he regreats not being in his son's life and how sorry he is for leaving me when I was pregant. Well all I have to say is that he lost out on the first smile, the first step, the first words, the first day of school etc. He missed out not me.

I had a lot of things planned for my life also things that did not include a baby but you know what you learn to change your life style and still do the things you want. You may have to wait longer than you wanted to but eventullay you will be able to do the things you want. I am sure your girlfriend also has things she wants to do but guess what she has to put her plans on hold also. Don't be selfish! Think about what great satisfaction you will have knowing you help create this child. Trust me you want to be part of this childs life....Don't let your child wonder why you didn't want him/her!

Answer 7

When I got pregnant with my son me and my boyfriend had only been dating for like a month (we had been friends since middle school though) Anyway we didn't have anything. He still lived at home with his mom and dad and I was living in a house that I was getting ready to get evicted from. I'm not saying you have to do the same thing but we have now been together for four years, have two children and live in a mobile home. Granted it's not the best life, but we make due and I can't imagine him not being in our children's lives. I will be one of the first to tell you that raising a baby is hard, especially with no money, but I would think it would be harder knowing you had a child out there and never seeing them.

Answer 8

If this is your child then she has no right to put a stipulation like that. Trust me don't stay with someone that you don't want to be with your child will suffer the consequence of that later. I think that best thing is to be a parent to that child, ask for a paternity test and try to make it work with your girlfriend, but if it doesn't work then dont stay on account to the child because if you fight and dont love each other it can really mess up your child. Either way get yourself financially secure so that you can do that right thing by this baby.

Answer 9

Hey guy this question you should have thought before, i.e. entering into a pre-marital relationship, it may be considered fashionable but it breaks the social structure of the institution of the family, an essential component for the development of the spieces.And now sience you have indulged in it and are a party. it is quite unfair to back up now. The kid is your blood, and even if it is not then also it is an innocent infant, who dosent know the carnal ways or his/her parents but will sure have to suffer the consequences of your exploits.If you didnt have faith in her then did you just enter this relationship for just enjoying the bed. And now having cooled down you want to back up ? I am sorry to say but this is rape and nothing else. At least try to be in the kids shoes. Even if not your blood the even an innocent baby quite unaware or the world and its ways.Civilisation dosent mean just scyscrapers and the web . it means maturity , feelings, empathy and responsibilties Those who lack it are still dinosaurs in human body.
It is very much required that at least now you people marry and get your kid a family to look towards, as you and we all did as a kid. You had enough fun , it is time you realised your duties and responsibilities.
Wife/ GF is not just a flesh to be enjoyed, it is a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Marriage is about responsibility and what you indulged in is just an incentive for the propogation of the spices, nothing else. If your wife has an existence respect her, if she is just flesh, then why marry, you get it a dollar a pound at a butcher's shop.
It is up to you to love and respect your family or use her as a tool of enjoyment.
The institution of marriage is the only legitimate one, if not preaching the at least to maintain a social structure, and live-in may be a fashion but will spell doom by gitting down the root of human society that is the custom of family.Which is 100% nessecary for social development.
find yourself a job and take up the responsibility.

Answer 10

Well, there is that old saying "You have to pay to play." I had my first child at the age of 21 and was completely not prepared for him. However I knew what was morally right in my own opinion and that was to be there for my child. His Mom and I were done relationally before he was born but through all the drama/games/bs I remain to this day in my sons life. I won't lie and say that it's easy to be there for your child especially when you are at odds with the mother but for your childs sake its something that a man should do. You have to grow up and accept responsibility if the child is yours. It will alter your course undoubtedly, but you can still acheive your goals you'll just have to work that much harder to do so.

As far as family and friends, you need the most support you can get. Those that don't support you, you'll really have to evaluate their level of commitment to you (ie friends that may not really be that good of friends). Parents typically come around especially once the child is born, although at first it may be very rough and you may be at odds with them.

Main thing man, stay positive, and gather a support base of those close to you who are understanding of your situation. That way they you can turn to them for sound advice.

Oh yeah, and since you aren't sure if your the daddy or not, paternity test man, paternity test. Probably the first thing you should do.