How do you find closure?

Question

I never believed in "closure"... I always thought that was something that people made up so that they could have a reason to dwell in the past or have one last, good arguement.

Getting closure sounds so much like justifying yourself, and I guess I never thought I needed to.

I've hit a point where I feel like I can't move foward emotionally, and I wonder if it's because I haven't had proper closure with a couple of bad past experiences.

How do you do that? How do you let go of it?

A friend of mine says that guilt is like a bag of bricks, and all you have to do is put the bag down.

Is it really that simple? I mean, how do you make this happen?

Hey, Lost_in_DC, if you happen to see this, drop me an e-mail.
[e-mail]

I'd like to talk to you more about this, you seem like you've got a great head on your shoulders too.

Answer 1

This sentiment is ofcourse subjective and relative. Sometimes you need to make a decision and "elect" to put that in your past. Its a conscious thought and takes practice. If you need to ask forgiveness, try doing so in a letter...even if you never mail it. I sometimes do that; write letters to people I have wronged and can not contact. It helps by validating your feelings.

If someone has hurt you in the past, sometimes you just need to say aloud, "I forgive you, and my heart and mind has released any ill feelings I may have been holding and/ or suppressing." And try to really believe what you are saying (and this should come naturally) if you feel sincere.

If you can truly make ammends with tangible people or issues, then do so by writing a letter.

Its a circle and a cycle. I just "let go" of something last week that was heavy on my heart for almost two years and I had the best Christmas ever. It feels goood.....no, great!

Good luck. It is not easy, but you sound super-intelligent (I can tell by your wordsmithing) and am confident that you are in touch with your feelings AND responsible enough to want to do somethng about it. Kudos for you.

Happy New Year and may this year be better than the last!

Answer 2

Having experienced bad relationships in the past myself, I've found that the only way to find closure has been to get to the point of realizing that everything happens for a reason no matter what and we can't change the past, we can only plan for the future. If someone's done something wrong to you, you can't go into another relationship and expect it to be productive until you've forgiven that person for whatever they've done even if they never formally apologize to you. If you've done something to hurt someone else and you have a conscience (a sense of moral goodness or blameworthiness of one's own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good), you should not feel good about moving on until you sincerely apologize to the person who's been hurt. You won't get emotional closure until you've done these things SINCERELY. Not just for the sake of saying that you've apologized but it has to be real and if it's bothering you so bad that you can't go on emotionally, any forgiveness or apologies that you give or receive will be sincere. Only then can you go on knowing that you've done the right thing even if the other party doesn't accept your apology or give you an apology (not sure which side of the fence your on, meaning it's not clear wether you've hurt someone or wether you're the one who's been hurt). Good Luck and do the right thing so that you can get rid of the bag of bricks (guilt) that you're carrying around. You can't just put it down and pretend you haven't done anything wrong, be a real man/woman and own up to whatever you've done-- it will be appreciated by the recipient even if they don't show appreciation right away. Honesty is always appreciated in the end.
Hope this helps. Take care.

Answer 3

It has been my experience that "closure" generally finds me. If you have to go looking for it, maybe you aren't ready for it or perhaps you don't know what you are really looking for.

Take one issue (don't get lost in a forest looking for a tree), decide what really happened, then decide what YOU can or need to do to make it OK. Not necessarily right, just OK, at least OK enough that you can put it behind you. Then do it and move on. Now give it a few weeks, 3 should do it but don't rush it. If it worked then repeat the process with another problem. If it didn't work you aren't ready, or you weren't honest with yourself about what is bothering you.

Good Luck

Answer 4

The same way you just wrote your statements is as easy as letting go. Whatever your bad past experiences are just that, past. You cannot continue to dwell on that because you will NEVER move on. If you are a spiritual person then prayers works wonders, let it go and let God handle it. Have the faith to know that all is well. On the other hand you need to deal with things head on, resolve it and let it go because there's nothing else that can be done. We've all had bad experiences, whether we've been through them or caused them. Face it and get over it. It's just as simple as that only if you want it.

Answer 5

The only way to get passed the past is by accepting the situation, and your actions. I'm wondering if part of your issue is that you feel that you should do something to put right your part in what you feel is your inappropriate behavior? You will have learned something and do your utmost not to repeat those mistakes, but you must give yourself permission to have made them in the first place. You didn't know any better, and even if you feel you should, there's no way that was possible.
The fact that you are concerned about this makes you a genuine individual worthy of that forgiveness, so allow yourself your transgressions, accept them, and continue. It's ok - it really is!

Answer 6

Closure is another form of moving on with life. Chalk it up to life experience. Shrug your shoulders, grab your car keys put on a smile, grab an attitude on the way out and party with your friends. Forget about the past. One day when you have kids you can give them a history lesson from back in your day.

Answer 7

shock followed by initial denial;
denial replaced by anger, rage, envy, and resentment;
bargaining with god or another person;
depression;
ultimate acceptance

Some believe that in order to let go of, or have closure to something you must go through the steps listed above. I know when I look back on the tragedies in my life such as my mother dying and the end of my marraige I went through these steps. If you haven't dealt with all these feelings it might be a good place to start.

Answer 8

You have sort through and think about what you've been through before you can actually move on. You have to be able to fully love yourself before you can be capable of giving your love to another and trusting in that to be able move forward in your decisions to persue another relationship--this takes time and thus requires what is called closure to past experiences that laid the plans for what you must learn from.

Answer 9

Closure will definitely cure you of it. We all live life either solving our problems or just ignoring them and deal with all the issues all at once in a moment of anger or breakdown. Solve the problem as it comes weather you deal with it by speaking to someone or understanding the problem on your own as of why it happened. Who you were in the past will determine your actions in the future.

Answer 10

Time.

It takes time for closure to take place. sometimes a lot of it. And guilt is never something you can just put down, you learne to deal with it and get over it but it still takes time.