How to deal with controlling mother who is unhappy I am pregnant?

Question

My husband and I are in our mid 20's. We have been together for 5 years and married for 2. We finished college, bought a house and have careers that we are very happy with.

I am 7 weeks pregnant with our first child, we planned this baby and we are so happy to be starting out family.

We announced my pregnancy at Christmas to my parents. My father seemed happy about our baby news, but my mother just said, "Oh, congratulations." and was not happy nor excited to find out we are expecting her first grandchild.

My mother is very controlling, she told me when I should marry (at 28), when I should have children (after 30) and so on. She was pissed I married when we wanted and she is pissed I got pregnant when we wanted.

How to deal with controlling mother who is unhappy I am pregnant? She is never happy with any of the great decisions I have made! Since I didn't follow the life schedule she set for me, she is going to be bitter about my baby.

Any advice?

Answer 1

As long as you and your husband are happy in your life that is what counts. You cannot always please your parents. This is a special time in your life enjoy it and be happy. Your mother will either come around or be the one to lose out. She will get over it and if she doesnt it is her loss.

Answer 2

That is really sad. She sounds very angry and bitter. No parent has the right to control the lives of their children once they are grown and on their own. It is very unhealthy and completely out of line.

You are doing the right thing by making your own decisions. Waiting until you are 30 to begin starting a family is not a good idea because that is darn near too late. In your 30's doctors begin worrying about birth defects and many will do invasive tests to assure that the child is healthy. The biological "window" for having a family under the most favorable conditions starts well before you are 30.

Hon, your mother needs help she is not likely to accept at this point in her life. You may need to drastically reduce contact with her, especially during this pregnancy.(avoid unecessary or constant emotional upheaval because it will affect the unborn child). If that does not alleviate the emotional stress for you, then cut her off. No parent is worth that sort of turmoil and pressure. I would never dream of doing that to my kids who are grown.

You might make a good friend of an older woman who has strong maternal instincts and is very supportive and helpful to you. That would help fill in the gap your mother has created in your life. This should be a happy, exciting time in your life. Those who are supportive and helpful are the ones you need to keep around you.
Negative or toxic personalities should be avoided.
Congratulations! I wish you to have a very healthy and beautiful child!

Answer 3

OK, I will tell you what is going on here. Your Mom is having a hard time letting go of her daughter. It's very common. It's time for you to announce your independence. You just need to sit down and have a Daughter, Mother talk with her. She got to marry and have a family and do things her way now it is time for her to step aside and let you live your life your way. You just have to tell her that the decisions that you and your husband are making about your life is in no way a reflection on how she raised you. It's also no reflection on her life. As you get into the pregnancy, she will gradually become more and more comfortable with the idea and by the time the baby is born, she will be just as excited for you as you are. Controlling Mothers have to be put in their place sooner or later. It's OK. It's time for you to do this. Trust me when I tell you that one day you and your Mom will become the best of friends. Congratulations on your starting your family and may all your dreams come true.

Answer 4

Listen you seem to have a good life. I mean everything was responsibly done. You had kids after you were married, many people wish have lives like yours to limit the mistakes that can be made. Your mom is not ready to be a grandma and your ready to be a mom so don't let her ruin your happiness. Children are blessings from God to parents. She's controlling because she's afraid that you will make a mistake but I think she should back off alittle bit because in order for you to grow you have to make some mistakes. Forget how your mom feels she's going through personal things, she will later learn to except it and will love this baby like it was hers. So don't stress relax give her time. i think she's not ready it has nothing to do with you. If your happy she should be happy.

Answer 5

I have that same problem with my mother. She wept when she found out I was pregnant. Why? Because boo hoo, I wasn't going to return to full time work and fulfill HER dreams. Later she cried when watching our daughter (we also have a three-year-old) and said she's not watching two children for us. If I didn't have a need for my mother's childcare help, I would totally blow her off and not talk to her anymore as she is very rude, disrespectful, and outright hateful. But I need her help and more importantly, my father's, and as he is (surprisingly, after all these years) still married to this horrible woman, we have to maintain the peace. My best way of handling her is to avoid her as much as possible as she is very crude and hurtful. When she finds out that #2 is a boy, she's really going to lose it because apparently, in her mind, boys are much more trouble than girls. My mother is just a plain horrible person, period, who is unhappy with her life and wants her own way with no concern or compassion for others. That's just who she is. There's no way to change her. So avoid anyone who brings you down, at least as much as you can. It's all you can do.

Answer 6

It sounds like you may need to step out of being her little girl and start being the woman that you are. your mother sounds miserable, and her controlling ways are unacceptable. You are married and have a life of your own, it may sound harsh but sometimes you need to live negativity behind. You can't let it get to you, you have to be happy for yourself, you have a new family and should not be worried about your mother who has had her turn, live your life to the fullest dont let others bring you down (even if it is your mother) negativity does not discriminate. Once you have the baby she will come around. Just dont stop being the wonderful person you are!!

Answer 7

You sound so very mature and responsible. I am sure you and your husband will make terrific parents. Cherish your marriage and pregnancy . Do NOT let your mother ruin the things that are so important to you. If she acts pouty or is being negative please ignore her. Sooner or later she will get the clue. This is your fairytale, not hers. You dont have to confront her; first of all you dont need the stress. Second of all it probably wouldnt do you any good. Put a smile on and act as if she is invisible when she tries to bring you down. She is the one who is missing out. Hopefully sooner rather than later she will come around.
Best of luck and congratulations!!

Answer 8

I think you shouldn't be concerned with your mother's attitude or opinion. My God, you are far too grown for her to have any control over you like that! The bible has two commandments for a child and that reason is because in the first part of their lives children must obey because they aren't accountable for the actions. The other is because they are. When you were living with her you were to obey but now that you are not, your only command is to "honor". That means to not make her have to change her name and move out the state because you shot up the local bank or something. If she has issues with you because you didn't have her grandchildren when "she" said to then she is trying to not act like a mom but a GOD! Tell her she needs to line her emotions up with fairness, love and reality. If you are not Christians then please forgive me but I still think the words are wise to live by. It's just time for you to learn how to not be controlled by your mom. Start off first by telling her how she made you feel and point blank ask her how she feels about your baby news. If she says, "happy" and you don't believe her then remind her of her statement and tell her to start "acting" like she's happy. And please consider that YOU may be a bit predisposed to getting offended by your mom-period. Simply because of the history. Until the two of you finish cutting the "apron string" try not to ask her for any favors or depend on anything from your parents such as money or opinions because that may be the "ROOT" of all your evil. And stay away from her and her attitude as much now that you are pregnant. You would be surprised at how stress has an effect on a pregnancy. Cut the conversation short and simply realize that it may take awhile for your mom to change and expect her attitude to show up in the things she says and does! In the mean time be prepared 'cause you can't control her either. Congratulations and I wish you a healthy baby!

Answer 9

If you don't set some boundaries with her for yourself, you are in for a long fight over time. First it's this, then it will be about your parenting style, then about other choices you make--buyng anew home, etc. Don't own anything she says unless it's true. There is nothing you can do to change her, the only person can control is yourself. Tell her that if you wanted feedback, you would ask her but you feel pretty darn good about the choices you have made thus far.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Sweetie, you need to learn as soon as possible that your life and your actions will never be enough to make your mom happy. It is not your responsibility.
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your baby.
This special time in your life is way to short to allow anyone, regardless of how dear they are to you, to cause you grief.
And remember this along the way, her unhappiness is not really about you. Who knows what really is the source of her unhappiness. But don't let it stop you from living and enjoying the life you have been blessed with.
Good luck.
And keep smiling no matter what.

Answer 11

You are married, and you are going to be a mother. You have your own life. Start living it. Your mother's unhappiness is HER problem - not yours. It may make for uncomfortable family gatherings, but again - not your problem. Your child deserves to be the focus of your life, not your mother. And she will have to learn that on her own. Thats what control is all about - she wants to be the centre of your universe. Let her know, respectfully, that you and your husband make your life's choices together - and she can live with them, or without them - her choice.