My wife's mother and her siblings had a big fight on Christmas. The family has basically been at each other's throats since I have met them. Last year their Patriarch (my wife's grandfather) passed away and now they fight over his tombstone. It is just the newest thing for them to fight over. I am sure he is embarrassed.
During this recent argument, my wife's uncle, Oaf, brought me into it by saying my mother-in-law was jealous of his daughter, Crass, because she had a better husband. Oaf also said Patriarch never liked me.
Crass used foul language toward my mother-in-law at a funeral. In this latest argument, Crass called my mother-in-law "evil and sinister." Crass' brother, Neanderthal, shuffled in and started accusing my mother-in-law of causing the problems. She is very sweet and innocent.
I want to lash out because my in-laws have been wronged and my wife hurt but I am worried because I think Crass is insane and I am not sure what she is capable of. What should I do?
2006-12-27 02:03:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Do not get involved. Just be a supportive shoulder for her and her mom. Ignore those comments that they made about you because obviously that family has some major issues. And sometimes in the end the best thing to do is just separate from those kind of people. I know its the holidays but do you really need to be around people that just bring you down. Talk to your mother in law and your wife and see if they would like to have a more intimate get together where there will be no drama. If those family members aren't there to fight with you then who cares, maybe they'll gang up on themselves and finally see what idiots they are.
Good Luck!
2006-12-27 02:10:00 · answer #1 · answered by Chrystal 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't lash out, there is a good possibility no one will hear you, and if they do they will think you are rude. This is the way this family communicates and their roles are well honed by time and tradition. All you can do is stay away as much as possible and not get pulled into this complex situation. Patriarch won't care whats on his tombstone, if he did, he'd also be hungry and asking for fried chicken. And who cares who Patriarch liked since hes gone a year now, and if he liked Oaf better that just speaks to his bad taste in this life.
See your mother-in-law alone next Christmas, she may be ready to remove herself from this sewerage plant of a family, and plan on Christmas at your home without the mess so you can remember that Christmas is about the Prince of Peace in a relatively peaceful environment.
2006-12-27 10:26:18 · answer #2 · answered by justa 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The unfortunate thing about family feuds is that they go too far back; nothing is ever resolved, and more baggage gets heaped on as time goes on.
Honestly, the best thing to do is just steer clear of the gang and their drama. If they've been like this since you've known them, it's not going to change. It sounds like everyone involved is an adult, and they can certainly decide what behavior is acceptable to them or not.
You should ask your wife what going to family gatherings accomplish, and what joy comes from them. If she wants to visit her mother or a sister independent of the others, that's cool. Family or not, no one HAS to be around drama if they don't want to. You stepping in as "the outsider" will only make things worse.
The larger the audience, the more people act like idiots; take away the audience and the ones that remain are just competing against one another for attention.
In the grander scheme of things, these episodes with your wife's family are an enormous waste of time. That time could be spent being happy with other people and situations. In the end, does what they're squabbling over really amount to anything?
Frankly, family is overrated, especially during the holidays.
2006-12-27 10:15:23 · answer #3 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Coming from a nutty family myself the best thing for you to do is be supportive. There comes in point in life that you have to completely cut off unhealthy relationships. I have learned that fighting with my family is like beating a dead horse. My family actually has the nerve to remove any flowers or gifts from my grandfathers grave that they didn't buy. My family has been divided for 20 plus years with only a few instances in which we got along. It's funny how my spouse tries to jump in and help me but I am able to handle my family (dealt with them my whole life). He doesn't deserve to have to deal with these crazy people, unfortunately I must. The best for us was to stop the childlike fighting and move on with our lives. If we bump into eachother at a store it's no different than seeing a stranger. Personally I don't see a reason to fight them as that is what they want. It's a sick game they play that makes them feel superior. When people are that unreasonable there is no use wasting your energy in fighting. I've learned that no matter what you say or do it's just more fire power to keep the fight going. Some families can't be fixed because they want the turmoil. Hopefully your wife and in-law will recognize that they are fighting a useless battle. You all will be better off to just stay away from eachother. You can't makeup with people who get off on fighting. Just support both of them and love them both. With all the negativity going around they need some positives to keep their heads up. And this is where you come in. Be the reason they laugh and smile. Create your own happy family among eachother and appreciate the time you have with eachother as life is too short. Good Luck & God Bless!
2006-12-27 10:37:22 · answer #4 · answered by zero 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have a talk with your wife and see about limiting all future family gathering to your immediate family and you in-laws. Best way to stop the drama is to refuse to be a part of it anymore.
If they are going to talk trash about your part of the family, might as well give them a good reason to in the form of eliminating them from your lives as much as possible. Only time you should have to tolerate them then is funerals and even then, if they start up point out this day is not about them, it is about the person who has passed and out of respect for that person, the need to keep their opinions to themselves for this one day.
Life is too short to have people like, Oaf, Crass and Neanderthal in them.
2006-12-27 10:50:04 · answer #5 · answered by bottleblondemama 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What a toxic family. I'm so sorry you are your wife have to deal with this. It sounds like you and your wife are trying to stick to the high-road, and not get too caught up in their petty squabbles. That is a good strategy; stick to it.
It sounds like they are reworking inter-family problems that have existed for a long, long time. And Oaf getting into the middle of it has just exacerbated the problem.
Next time Oaf trashes your mother-in-law, tell him you aren't interested in hearing his opinions on this. And, if you have to keep talking to him, change the subject.
So what if he thinks Patriarch never liked you, P is dead now. So what he felt when he was alive is no longer relevant. (although I find it hard to believe that he could have possibly enjoyed Oaf's company)
Do not invite any of the troublemakers to your house. Do not visit them.
2006-12-27 10:12:12 · answer #6 · answered by krinkn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1) Pray
2) Listen to God's advise
3) Talk to your wife and let her know your feelings and let her know what you would like to do, remember this is her family.
4) Pray again.
5) Don't give into the family game and stay by your wife's side and if you do have to take action. Handle it with tactfulness and don't lose your head.
2006-12-27 10:13:30 · answer #7 · answered by is4031_us 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
stay away for a while............. most household arguments cannot be resolved within a short period of time. all need time to cool down and focus on another matter so as to clear our minds.
2006-12-27 10:47:02 · answer #8 · answered by jumbo_dumdum 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound like your from Minnesota....good luck with that! Alrighty then!!
2006-12-27 10:20:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋