I would like honest answers to this, in regards to pregnant girl, and she works, boyfriend doesn't?.........

Question

I would like honest answers to this, in regards to pregnant girl, and she works, boyfriend doesn't?.........

My daughter and her boyfriend live with his parents, about an hour away..My daughter is almost 8 mos. pregnant, and is working still. Pulling one double a week...The boyfriend(whom we like), has not held a job for more than 6mos tops. He just got laid off last week and wants to "wait" till after the new year to get a job, "cause no one is hiring"(BS, is my response to that)..I think McDonalds etc, is not to his pay scale, he won't work for that amount, but isn't some income better than no income?..He dresses like he's "gangsta", that's fine, but we live in the Bible belt, and unfortunately, you are judged, first impressions, it is just how it is, especially when looking for a job....There are 5 kids, 2 adults, and now with the new dog, 2 dogs in the home. My daughter, and soon to be baby in the house, I cosigned for the car she has, and stated, that when she can't work, if the boyfriend isn't working, and I have to make the car payment, the car comes to my house..(see details)
Additional Details

15 minutes ago
I am not going to work my a++ off while he just lays around and pay for that car.....she and the car and the baby can move back home. I got her the car so she'd have dependable transportation, safe, and to help her get a better start in life than I sure did, and I pay the insurance...My daughter is not ungrateful, she appreciates this. But, I don't think this is right him not working with a baby coming.....so I refuse to pay the car payment/insurance when she can't work, so he doesn't have to, the car comes here, and I will drive it, its an '05, my car is a 1986, piece of crap.....I would love to hear some real opinions on this......

9 minutes ago
the boyfriend likes the "gangsta" stuff, so he got a beat up light yellow cadillac, that fell apart....she had no transportation to work, relying on his parents, and that is why I wanted her to get the car I co-signed for, but it is in my name/credit for 5yrs..so that is why I will reposses it......ps he has no drivers licence (?)..he's a good kid, but not grown up, thinking that when the baby comes, he'll either become a man, or pull his tail between his legs and cave...Nothing inbetween......

This is 2006, believe me they had the speaches of unprotected sex, guarantee that's how most of us got here!!!!!!

he can't draw unemploymen because he doesn't have enough in his base period=not at work anywhere long enough to draw unemployment....oh, I am stressed....

Answer 1

A quote for consideration:

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank

You want honest, right? Well here goes ...

As a 24 year old woman who got pregnant at 17 with a boyfriend whom my parents liked (because fundamentally he was a good person) but who couldn't hold a job down, I must say that you are doing entirely too much for your daughter.

I have no idea how old she is. However, I do know that as mad and as pissed off as I was at my parents for doing what they did to me at 17, I cannot thank them more for it now.

What did they do?

Well, basically, they said that if I was adult enough to lie down, have sex, and conceive a child, then I was adult enough to figure it out on my own.

It was a shock. Up until this point, I was a really spoiled child. I had never had a job and they paid for everything. When I got pregnant, they took my car and told me good luck.

This forced me to grow up. I learned to use the bus. Took whatever job I could find, and kicked him to the curb. It was my parent's stern, tough-loving that shocked me out of "loving my gangsta" man.

Because they showed me the stark reality of the world, I was forced to take off my rose colored lenses and see my BOYfriend for what he was--not a man.

When it comes to my son, I realized I needed a man. The love for ones own child should far outweigh the love for a boy--even if that boy is the child's father.

In essence, I say that you need to tell your daughter that life is about decisions. While my parents didn't let me move back in, they did let me know that they were there.

So, I think your daughter needs to make a decision, her baby or her "man." It's not an ultimatum. It's love.

Now, my son will be six in February, I graduated from college while working three jobs without ever once relying on welfare, my parents, or my son's father.

Without them to push me into the light of grim reality, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Now, my son is flourishing, his father is finally a man and we get along wonderfully and is a father and a daddy and a stand-up role-model for my son.

I stopped hating my parents about a year after my son's birth and they stood proudly at my graduation from college and even helped me with start-up money for the business I now own and operate.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that perhaps continuing to provide financial support is offering a crutch for your daughter. There are more ways than money to be supportive of a person.

Also, standing by and watching someone make bad decisions while continuing to support them is pretty close to condoning their bad decision.

But that's just my opinion.

ADDED LATER:

Because of my parents withdrawal of financial support I also learned a great sense of accomplishment and achievement. I was able to ENABLE MYSELF and find my own way through the world and there's nothing better (to me) than to teach a child pride in oneself.

Additionally, a child does not stop one from achieving goals and dreams. It does make it a bit more difficult but keeping the RIGHT people around you who care about your well-being will help make the process easier. Negative people only add negativity.

Feel free to contact me via email and/or messenger if you need to. This invitation is open for your daughter as well. I've been there and I've done that and I know what it's like. All is not hopeless.

P.S. Adoption is an option.

Answer 2

Hmmmm a difficult dilema I see.

Unless there is a medical reason, there is no harm in your daughter working right up until the birth, as long as she is happy and not tiring herself out. She does have to consider though, what happens when she gives up her job to have the baby. Is she going back and leaving the child with the father? is she giving up work until the baby can go to nursery? ....... It seems the family as a whole needs to sit down and work out what is going to be best for the baby!!
The father sounds incredibly immature and needs a good kick up the backside regarding responsiblility. You may like him and he may be a very nice guy but he needs to sort his priorities out and quickly. So what if Mcdonalds don't pay a huge wage!! it is still an income and will provide food and a roof over his childs head. You also need to explain to him that he is more likely to get a better job if he is already in employment.
People shouldn't be judged by appearances but I do understand why some do. The gangsta look gives the wrong impression and if the father of your grandchild can't see that, then he must be more stupid that I thought. It is all very well to dress that way during a rest day, but if he wants to be taken seriously by anyone he will need to change his look. He doen't have to don the suit and tie but at least get a pair of pants that fit and a shirt that is smart and versatile. It concerns me that he can't hold down a job. Does he get bored? Does he get into trouble etc?? Maybe he just isn't mature enough to make it in the 'adult' world and would do better going back to School.

The car is a tricky one to deal with. I can understand why you got the car for your daughter, it will certainly help with the baby, but as you pay for it, I feel you have the right to take it back from them and use it yourself. Sometimes a hard lesson is a good lesson and all the while you are bailing them out and paying for them, they will never learn the real value of things. ........ You don't know what you have got until it has gone... ring any bells??

To sum things up, I would come down hard on both of them and start giving demands. You have a right as a parent and soon to be grandparent to do what is best for everyone. This also includes you. Go and visit your daughter and her boyfriend and lay some cards on the table. Also speak to his parents and see how they feel about everything. If they feel the same as you, then you can both gang up on them and make sure they do the right thing.
As I said before, you need to teach the kids a few lessons and home truths. At the moment they are taking the P out of everyone and enjoying the free ride. Let them hit the ground hard but be there for them when it happens.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for everyone.

Answer 3

This sounds like a very sad situation for you and your daughter. I'm sure it hurts to see your daughter living in poverty, and obviously in such a bad situation.

You seem to be making excuses for her boyfriend too. He's not a "bad" kid, but yet he has no job, has no driver's license, and may turn and run when the baby is born. Your daughter picked a very poor choice for her mate, and I don't see this lasting after the baby is born.

My opinion? You are an enabler. So, co-signed for a car? Good, but you have to know that they will default on the payments. You might as well accept that and realize you will now have 2 car payments.

I would give them space, and let the relationship implode on it's own. Because it will. And you can be there (if you want) to help your daughter and raise your grandchild.

What you need to look at is WHY did your daughter make such poor decisions? Where's her father? Why isn't she going to school? I'd be more willing to help her if she was willing to help herself.

Answer 4

I'd like to point out, that for better or for worse your daughter and her boyfriend have a joint economy. If your daughter thinks it is fine that she works and he doesn't... It is not for us to judge.

Though, why he is not looking for work is beyond me, I hear you do not get paid maternity leave there, so they are heading towards stressful times.

It sounds to me that the boyfriend is very insecure, dressing the way he is, and putting off applying for work. I think, that a more effective tactic would be to be supportive... yet, how can you help him from where you are at? You have already done alot by providing the car, and parents should not be expected to sponsor their children for all eternety.

The only real thing you can do, is to offer all you can do to help to take care of the baby, and then let them work their financial problems through on their own. They will have to sooner or later, and it is much better that the child, when (s)he is growing up is in a stable environment... I do not see why you should be paying for their car insurance, unless it is a temporary loan that they will pay back.

Answer 5

First of all why did your daughter ever move out of your house? If I had a daughter who was going to have a baby and she was not married to the father of the child I would have her living under my roof. She will need your guidance once the baby is born. Second, What does the father of the baby plan to do once the child is here how does he intend to support his child especially if things don't work out between him and your daughter and he has to pay child support. Third, what do his parents say? They need to lay some rules down it's seems like you are trying to help the kids out but what are they doing? I would have a meeting with both the kids plus his parents evaluate the situation and find out what needs to be done. If my son got a girl pregnant you better believe he would be supporting his child and he would appreciate everything the girls mother is doing for both of them. This guy is taking you and your daughter for granted.

Answer 6

i think your doing the right thing by telling them this and by expecting the car to come back. if he got laid off and not fired, he should be able to collect unemployment for awhile till he can find a job. congrats on your daughter for being so strong through all of this. i would have freaked out and moved away from his butt a long time ago. if this is what she wants to do though, she is a grown person. you can tell her what she should do but you can't make her do it. if she wants to live with that guy like that then let her. maybe she will wake up one day. until the day comes when she tells you she can't pay the car payment, there really isn't anything you can do, she seems to be sliding by ok now. who knows. maybe the guy will find a job come the new year. just keep bugging him about it.

Answer 7

You don't say how old your daughter is, but she's in a bad situation.
I assume you've told her all the things you've written about and if she chooses to stay in that situation, there's not much you can do.
Using the car as an ultimatum, isn't going to change anything. You will probably end up with the car.
Her boyfriend isn't going to go find a job, just because you expect him to. He's too immature, doesn't really give a hoot and your daughter, if she chooses to stay with him, will bear all the responsibility of raising the baby, by herself, with him as an added burden.
All you can do is, be there for her, when things fall apart.

Answer 8

I don't think that you should force your daughter to come home with you. It's telling her that you don't think that she can handle things on her own, and if she has a child on the way, than she needs to have at least a little confidence in herself. If she decides on her own to come home to you, that is her decision, but don't make it for her.

The car thing is hard, but there are solutions. Perhaps trade cars with your daughter. There is no need to punish her because the boyfriend is a dick. She will need transportation, especially if the baby gets sick.

As for the couple, I think the best thing you can do is have a heart-to-heart with your daughter, and then keep your mouth shut. It is her life, and she needs to be responsible for her own actions. If she ends up getting hurt, it was her choice, no matter how hard it is for you to see. But she can't blame you for causing the relationship to end if you keep out of it.

Just be there for your daughter and grandbaby. It's the best you can do.

Answer 9

seen this act about a hundred times !

It's what I call the "SAFETY NET" !

There is always a safety net in place for him, his mother, father, YOU, your Daughter, jeezus, this guy has more back up support and safety measures set up than a 747 in flight !

She works so he won't have to

He lives at home with MOMMY and Daddy

You're buying them a NEW car and driving around in an old car (like me).

I hate to tell you this kitten but, he'll ride this whole scene out until he is in his 50's, and everyone dies off. I have a friend like this, he just gets sleezier as time goes by. it's almost exactly the same set up as you described, I've been with him less and less, because i think that he's turned into a piece of sh-t, he's 44 years old. You have to remember that people that really don't want to work, will come up with more excuses than "Crayola" has colors. My money is on the prediction that he's going to bail on her. I suggest that your daughter live with YOU, dump this loser, and try and find a REAL man, follow up with the legal system and make him pay, I don't care if he does'nt have a job, OOOPS, TIME TO GO OUT AND GET ONE, TIME TO GROW UP !

Answer 10

My opinion is to have a speach with your daughter. ANy conversation with her boyfriend, should atleast be with your daughter knowing about the conversation. Your Daughter is an adult and should be treated as one. You can give her choices, but never force her. You can tell her To mave back with you or you don't get the use of the car or for her boyfriend to start contributing. Make sure that her boyfriend understands as well as your daughter, the money made from working at a minimum wage establishment is a gesture to prove his good intention. He has a child and should act like a man and do things he doesn't like to help his child. All this conversation should either go to him through your daughter, at her presence or with her knowledge of. The last thing you want to do is alienate her. Tread carefully and do not sound like your ordering them. Make sure they understand you are willing to help as long as they make a gesture that proves his good intent.