My bf and I have been living together for almost 2 yrs. He has 3 kids that live with their mom. The 2 younger ones are 7&9, the older is 16. I work nights and my bf works days so we dont see much of each other during the week. His kids come EVERY weekend from Friday thru Sunday at 9pm and almost every day off from school. They also come every break, and for an extended time during the summer. Their mother doesnt want them around. This is causing a strain on our relationship because we NEVER have alone time. He really expects me to cook and clean for them, do their laundry etc. My daughter is 16, so I feel like I shouldnt have to take care of little kids anymore. Is this excessive for us to have them all the time like this, or am I just being a bad person? I do like them, but I feel I am just being a substitute mom for his kids. Would other women do this? If I talk to him about it he just accuses me of not liking his kids. I just want to know what other women would do?
2006-12-26 19:14:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I also would like to add that its not ok with him if I tell them what to do at all example: please dont run in the house, or take off your shoes at the door. So I get to do all the work of being a mother, but I cant exert any control over their behavior.
2006-12-26 19:55:05 · update #1
No.
Instead, BE a mother to them if you care about the guy.
See it as a chance to BE a mother.
Enjoy it. LOVE his children.
Otherwise, welcome to HELL.
Time will tell.
2006-12-26 19:15:11 · answer #1 · answered by Mexicaliente 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you should play mother, but I do think you need to establish what kind of person you want to be in these kids life. You do sound like a very lovely women, I think your just a bit confused. If their mum doesn't want to be a responsible parent, then that should be between her and your partner and he shouldn't have put you in the middle. And I'm sorry to say but when you have kids, the only time you'll get some alone time is probably when they're 30 Lol. (hopefully). As a Step mum all you can give them is a safe place to stay, and an open heart. You don't need to pretend to Be anything, just make sure these kids know that they are appreciated. I would like to tell your partner to do the same for you, but you can only dictate your own actions and not others.
2006-12-27 03:41:34 · answer #2 · answered by paris_0405 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After reading your post twice.....I noticed something......
Do you love him? Do you plan on staying with him?
When two families come together the feelings of being used or feeling like a substitute should be nonexistent. The heart takes in all.
However your plate does seem full with the timing and how often the children are there. Sounds like Joint Custody, is it?
It does sound like the mother needs to take on more responsibility with the routine during the week, when the children have no school days.
sit back and look into your heart....this is also your life. Are you willing to be there for them and him forever. IF you are feeling this now and don't get it resolved how will you feel later on?
Asking him not to see his children is a big one.....they were with him before you came along....and are his to take care of.
The children are fortunate to have him and also you in their lives.
Its not their fault.....
it also sounds like Dad needs to step up to the plate and help out more often.
Maybe telling him how you feel....overwhelmed with all the extra work and feeling like you are doing this all alone might be a wake up call for him. Talk to him.....tell him how you feel.
Communication is the Key in every good relationship
and it does sound like you need a vacation.....by yourself or with your bf.........together would be better.....if you both can find the time.
Best wishes....and Happier Days... in 2007
2006-12-27 03:36:10 · answer #3 · answered by travelingirl005 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They are a package deal..take him you get them..think what you could do for three kids that must know their mom doesn't want them. You could be the best Step mom ever...every one can help with the cooking and cleaning, that includes your boy friend. It is not excessive, but you might ask to have them every other weekend, that would give you a weekend together altho your daughter may be around..the 2 16 year olds could be hired as babysitters 1 night a weekend so you could go out together.
2006-12-27 03:36:22 · answer #4 · answered by jst4pat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a mother of four boys ages 16, 13, 11, and 5. My boyfriend has one son age 7. My ex and I have joint custody of the boys and his ex and him have joint custody of their 7 year old. I work and so does he so we split the household chores. Finding time to be alone is very trying, but if you love this man you can make it work. Also it doesn't sound as though you feel love for the children, but that's actually normal feelings. You normally have reservations with the other children, but "Think of love as an action instead of an emotion. Act as though you love the children and treat them with respect and over time it will grow into emotion.
2006-12-27 04:46:27 · answer #5 · answered by katriana30 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you knew this when you started dating him right.? That he had children and the amount of time they are with their father.?
You did not go into this relationsip blindly.?
If you love him you will love his children also.
Also, you never have to feel like their mother, Your not and you know that. You are dating their father and with him comes his children.
Does your daughter live with the two of you.? If you man came up to you and said that when he is around he does not want your daughter around. Would you like and do that.?
Are you really being fare to his children.? Do you think it is fare that they might be able to see their father cause you want 'alone time' with him. You as a parent know that when you have children you almost never get alone time until they move out.
Like I said before, and I mean NO dis-respect at all. If you love him you will love his children.
2006-12-27 03:31:20 · answer #6 · answered by LadyCatherine 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dating a man with children means he comes as a package deal. At the least he is man enough to be a father, lots of men just walk away. If you love him then you should love his children. Maybe you need to re-evaluate how you feel about him. Alone time can be accomplished. Hire a baby sitter and go out. Lots of people raise families with a large number of children and still find alone time. The real issue is not alone time, it is his children. Sounds like you resent them. Remember, children are not competition. They didn't choose this situation, the adults in their world did. How sad for them.
2006-12-27 03:22:26 · answer #7 · answered by educ8rkids 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i have a gf and she as a 8 yr old daughter that lives with us.. i also have a daughter myself i treat them both as equal and they are very well behaved.. in your case i would say that you being the woman in the house should set the rules and if the the rules cant be obeyed by your bf's children then they should be told (by you or your bf) when you earn respect from your bf children they will earn respect from you!!! nature will take it course. as for you being there mother!!! she can never be replace as im sure you know but good guidence is esential and im sure giving time every thing wiil turn out for the best
2006-12-27 16:19:20 · answer #8 · answered by barry_woolley_1974 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL! Every week is excessive. Bet the mother is partying it up with you as the free maid!
Every other weekend sounds reasonable as does every other holiday
If he is not agreeable to that consider getting your own place, HELL NO it is not fair to you to have to take on 50% of the responsibility and get .05% of the respect (maid is not a respectable title in ones own house)
Sounds like boyfriend is a wuss too!
2006-12-27 03:44:08 · answer #9 · answered by lisa s 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its always a packaged deal.If u love him you'll learn to luv them too.Remember something here,YOU were given the oppurtunity to show your luv. Nows your chance to make a difference in those childrens lives.Be more positive with this,They'll b alot of rewarding times 4 all of you,Troubled xs too but that is what makes it special.KIds leave the nest sooner than u think.CATHY ON THE ABOVE ANSWER i THINK SHES RIGHT......
2006-12-27 04:19:57 · answer #10 · answered by lilly l 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter male or female, if you hook up with someone with children, you take on that responsibility. If you are not ready for it, you need to leave now because those children will always be there. Just remember, they are his children. They are an extension of him, a peice of him. If you love him, you should love them too. If you can't get past it, then you should leave. His children were there first and should come first.
2006-12-27 03:19:07 · answer #11 · answered by ' 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋