I am not pregnant--how do I deal with my feelings in a positive way?

Question

My husband and I want children. Due to unforeseeable issues with health we have had no luck for five years. I do not want answers on fertility or ways to solve not being pregnant. I am looking for a constructive way to deal with my feelings. My sister just had a baby in November. All day she complained about how tired she was, how horrible it is to be a new parent. My husband and I have both stepped in to clean their home, provide meals, watch the baby when we can etc... But how do I explain to her that her constant complaining is like stab in my heart? I want so badly what she is complaining about. Additionally, we have looked into adoption and are considering that as well. My sister months ago made remarks about how it was so "easy" to just "order up a baby" and now calls her new nephew and niece on the other side of the family the "Asian invasion" I know I am touchy and angry but I don't want to be like this. I don't like this jealousy I feel.

Answer 1

i kno it hurts but it is natural to feel this way
i dont kno if u believe in God but id say thats a good way to deal with this
wat u need is peace of mind and a promise from God so have a lil chitchat with him

Answer 2

Try and find a moment on which she is calm and quiet (maybe take her out for something to eat, so there will be more people around and she is less likely to have a fit) and then talk to her. Don't accuse her of anything, no finger pointing, keep it with yourself. Explain how you feel. Also tell her that you really want to be part of the pregnancy, that you want to support her and enjoy this special time together. In a few months you'll be parents and your lives will change for good. This is a time for you two to bond with each other and your unborn child, not to fight. The baby can feel all the stress in her body and this is bad. She needs to be calm and relaxed. Ask her how you can help her achieve this. I am 36 weeks pregnant and of course we all experience pregnancy different, but I have a feeling that she's indulging herself in being a total demon to you. Was this pregnancy planned? Is she blamming you for the way you feel, as 'you got her pregnant!' If all things fail, ask her mum to have a word with her. She might take more notice if it comes from another woman than from a man. Lots of could luck. And when you really see no way out remember: Pregnancy only last 9 months. It will be over at some point.

Answer 3

I think in some ways, you are right to feel the way you do. Adoption is not an easy process, one cannot just "order up a baby" as she so insensitively phrases it. Adoptions can take years. As for the "Asian invasion", I cannot believe she is actually talking about her own family like that, whether or not they are adopted. It's not only racist, but it's totally rude and insensitive on her part.

She is also being insensitive when it comes to your feelings, although she may not be aware that you are feeling this way. Perhaps a gentle comment next time she complains about how you would give anything to be able to have a baby will shut her up. If that doesn't work, be more forceful about it. Tell her you understand that it's physically demanding, but that it hurts you when she is always complaining. She needs to learn some sensitivity and I hope you can be the one to nudge her in the right direction.

Oh and good luck with your quest for a child, I sincerely hope that you are successful.

Answer 4

Sometimes life doesn't give us what we want but in the long run we are stronger and better persons for it. Just think about the GREAT husband you have--- he helps you clean and do things for your sister- do you really think your sis's husband would do that for you, or in that matter, do you think she would for you? There is always two roads in life we can take, well actually three- we can take the high road- and be honest, giving and roll with the insults and comments and let them roll off our back like we were ducks. We can take the low road- like your sister I'm afraid, and be critical, cynical and miserable. And then we can take the middle road- but to me and many others, that is not living- that is finding the safe in everything in life and NEVER LIVING Life. I have always felt that God was always playing terrible tricks on people by giving the most undeserving people 10 children- people who cant afford, nor want these children. And then the people who would literally cut their arm off to have a child, are childless. Someday we will know the reason for his madness ( and it's hard for me to speak of "him" like this because I am not a true believer- too many bad experiences have made me a cynic and I was an infertility patient for both my daughters and now my 26 year old is having SEVERE health problems- 3x the normal dose of testosterone, major menstrual problems and is waiting over 6 months of insane testing to find out what is wrong with her-- she is getting married in June and has gained about 90 lbs in 6 mos. I cannot stop thinking about all the fertility medications and hormone treatments I had taken before I became pregnant with her and if they may have caused her illness. They cannot pinpoint her problem and the reason she has more testosterone than her fiancee, and I only mention this because there ARE side affects of the medicines they give you to conceive- they just dont know what they will be 5,10,20 years down the line or for my grandchildren - if I'm lucky enough to have them.

You and your husband sound like an exceptional loving couple-I'm sure whatever decision you make will be right for the two of you--- God bless you for being such a great sister and learn to let the comments go---by the way, her mean words may mean she is actually jealous of your relationship with your husband--- I do not want to believe that she can be that crude and ignorant to her own sister.

Good luck to you and your husband- and keep the faith--

Answer 5

sorry, have you looked into surrogacy? Or adoption perhaps.

Having a family member who has a baby and you cant have one is very hard, I know, but you need to tell your sister what's going on. Or perhaps when she is complaining, say, no I think it's a wonderful thing. Or I bet you really don't think that or feel that way. Maybe she will start to realize that it's not all about her and how tired and aweful it is. Tell her that you would like one day to have a baby and looking at her talk like she does isn't making things look great about motherhood. Hope you have or receive a baby soon.

Answer 6

So, it feels like there are actually two questions here:

1. How can you re-construct your feelings about your fertility in a positive light?

and

2. How can you communicate to your sister that some of her behavior is bothersome to you?


I can't answer (1). As for (2):

Have you tried just sitting down and talking with her about it? It's probable that she doesn't realize that her comments bother you, and new parents talking about the tiring nature of kids seems to be commonplace and generally acceptable. In your specific case it isn't acceptable, and all that you can do is communicate to her that it's hurting you.

w/r/t the "order up a baby" and "Asian invasion" comments, it seems like she needs to be educated about the difficulty of adoption and the pain of *having* to adopt due to infertility. In this case, too, I'd suggest just letting her know that her commnets are hurtful.

Answer 7

I think at this point you need to let your sis take care of her own baby. You are not in a place to help her without hurting yourself. Once you do have your baby, you will realise what she is talking about. You are just in the wrong palce to sympasize. You need to focus on you and keeping yourself healthy. Let other people take care of themselves. If sis asks for help, tell her you have other things you have to take care of that day. If you can, try to put yourself in her shoes. The first two years are very difficult, especially if your partner is not doing his part. If you do have to be around her and she says something hurtful, quietly take her aside and explain to her that you know she doesn't mean any harm, but remarks like that are hurtful to you and your husband. If she doesn't understand, I would avoid her as much as possible for your own mental health.

Answer 8

I have a really good friend who is in a similar situation.She makes her neices & nephews a big part of her life. Tell your sister that you feel saddened by the way she talks about motherhood. Tell her about the anguish you go through not being able to have a baby yet. Ask her to refrain from talking that way around you and tell her she is sooo lucky to be blessed with children. They are gifts from God :)

Answer 9

i think its wonderful that youre considering adoption. dont worry about what anyone says about it. its not THEIR choice. in a constructive way, show your sister that she is very fortunate to be a parent and should embrace it. im pretty sure that shes complaining to make you feel better. sounds weird but its true. she probably wants to turn you off of having children so you dont feel bad about not having them. good luck to you and your family.

Answer 10

start telling them, shut up, don't take anything for granted, obviosly they realize how blessed they are to have children, hopefully one day in the future you will be blessed to, adoption is a great thing, you were put on this earth to make some child or children very happy, and give them a new look on life. Right now things are good, but I promise, things will turn around!

Answer 11

I'm so sorry to hear this...maybe you should have a sister to sister talk...I'm sure she doesn't realize what she's saying is hurting you. Adopting isn't bad..but dont' give up hope