Now what the hell do I do?

Question

My mother is 65 and lives with me. She is capable of taking care of herself but she is dying a slow painful death. (http://www.pulmonaryfibrosis.org/ipf.htm if your interested) She abuses her medications. She is disgusting. She smokes in my house even though I ask her not to. She will not take care of herself. She crapped all over my couch today and did a poor job of cleaning it up. It smells and she stained my couch. If I try to talk to her she cries or yells and screams and plays the "I'm dying!" drama. What do I do? Please, I need serious answers not hurtful - smart *** remarks.

Answer 1

You won't get any smart azz answers from me. You have my utmost sympathy. You asked for advice so I'm going to give it, but it won't be easy to follow. Put her in a personal care home. NOW. Yes, she'll scream and accuse you of all manner of vile things, and yes, she will push every single guilt button she can push, but she is showing zero respect for you or appreciation for the help you've tried to give her. Since she is capable of taking care of herself, she doesn't need to be in a nursing home, but she DOES need to be where she can get professional help from people she can't control with her shenanigans and who can monitor her meds. You may owe her respect for being your mother, but you do NOT owe it to her to let her abuse you. She's putting you on a guilt trip and you're allowing it. She has pushed you to the point where it will (please pardon the seeming cruelty of this) be a relief to you when she passes away. I KNOW how cold that sounds, but I also know about the relief side too. Get some help. I repeat - get some help. Your own health (mental, emotional AND physical) might be at stake.

Answer 2

First of all you could write her a letter telling her that you will put her in a nursing home. Since she won't allow you to talk to her without the dying drama. Just let her know how you feel in the letter. She sounds like one of the patients I deal with at work. You are right she is giving you drama. You have to put your foot down and say what you mean and mean what you say. If she is sick for real she will want to not be a burden on you. I hear it everyday from my patients. Some of them have really good sense. They went to the nursing home so they would not be a burden on their children. There are also assisted living places she can go stay at too. Where they will check on her make sure she gets where she has to go and there is also the idea of getting her own place and hire someone to come in 3 or 4 days a week. It's a hard choice but what else can you do. She's you mother but just like you had to respect her and her wishes in her home she needs to do the same or make other arrangements and you can tell her all of this in your letter to her. Good luck god bless

Answer 3

Really, that is not a good situation for you, since you are being nice enough to take care of her. You should be able to take the cover off of the sofa pillows and wash them (just read the label, as I am not sure what fabric you have). If she were my mother and I was in that situation, I would tell her to follow the rules or that I would be happy to send her to a nursing home (I doubt she would want to go for that). I would also take her cigarettes from her and not give her any money for more. Just do your best to take control of the situation and dont let her play the "im dying" card anymore. Let her know that you care about her and that is why you have put certain rules into play.

Answer 4

She is probably depressed. I've seen this type of thing quite a bit in the hospital. I know it must be hard to put up with the drama. Sometimes, I think it is harder on the family than the patient. I think you should take her to the doctor and you both should discuss the issues you are having. She may be happier in an assisted living situation where she can get the professional support and help that she needs. There are different levels of assisted living. I'm sure you guys could find one that works for her.

Answer 5

Sounds like you might need some extra help with taking care of her. If a nursing home isn't an option maybe you could have a nurse come to your home and help out. She is your mother though and there was a time when you were pooping on her couch, good luck.

Answer 6

Facing the end of one's own life is a hard thing to do. It still does not entitle her to completely disregard your life. She needs some other help, physically and emotionally. Maybe hospice care can help. If she is incontinent, and will not care for herself, she needs a visiting nurse of some sort. If I were you, I would calmly explain that you cannot go on like this, and if she doesn't get some help, you will have to find some other living arrangement for her, perhaps a personal care home. Make sure she knows that you can still love her and care for her, but life just can't be like that for either one of you anymore. Good luck.

Answer 7

as much as you love your mom - you need to realize that there is more then health issues at stake here - she needs professional help both medically and mentally, You need to get her into a care home were she can be properly cared for and your can have a little less stress. There may be government programs to help with the expenses.

Either way, you have to start putting your foot down and laying some rules. Next time she says "I'm dying....." you need to respond with "You're not dead yet, and as long as you are living in my house, this is the way it will be."

Answer 8

Wow I got to hand it to you for taking care of your mom. I am sure that must be hard.

I'm a Christian and I want you to think about one of the 10 commendments. It is "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee," Exodus 20:12

I know it is hard to do. Esp. when they don't respect us and hurt us with their words and stuff like that. But remember another thing from the bible "Do unto others". You need to treat people how you want to be treated. Yes it is hard when they treat you but but it is much better than yelling back at someone right?

Put yourself in her shoes. Think if you were dying and hurting how she is. She is sick, feels bad and I am sure she hates it when she has an accident. How would you feel? You'd feel awful and most likely feel bad about yourself. Remember hurting people hurt people. She is hurting inside and people at times take their anger out on others. So please try to remember that.

So please take care of her the best way you can. I am a HUGE fan of Amish fiction. The Amish take care of their parents. The parents move out into a small room when they are older and give the house to one of the their kids. They don't put their old in nursing homes. They take care of their own. So take care of your mom. When she has an accident think about how you would. Help her clean up the mess she made. I am sure she didn't mean to do that. Get next to her and help her clean it up. Joke with her and say, "I am sure I did this when I was little! Thanks for changing my diapers all those time" something like that.

When she goes into what you call a "I'm dying drama". Put your arm around her and tell her how you are sorry she is dying. Ask her what you can do to help her. Ask her waht she wants and hopefully she'll tell you. Maybe she is bored. I tend to get sick a lot and honestly I am sick of being sick.

If you are her full time care giver then remember to take a break yourself. Find someone who can help watch her while you are gone and then go out and have some fun. See a movie, go out to eat or even to the park. If you can't get out of the home let your mom know you are going to go soak in a hot bath, light candles and turn the lights down low, crack the door some so you'll hear your mom if she needs and pick up your favorite book. Relax.

I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. Here are some links that may help you.

Living with Advanced Lung Disease: A Guide for Family Caregivers
www.medicaring.org/educate/download/copdbookfinal.pdf

Answer 9

Have you looked into assisted living for your Mom?

It may be the answer for both of you.

If you can't afford that you should put plastic on a part of the couch and she's only allowed to sit there.

Let her know that she maybe dying but she's not going to die today and so for today she has to behave in a civilized manner.

The smoking part is something you'll probably have to live with...what you can do is allow her to smoke only in her room.

Set up rules for her and make her follow them.

Answer 10

I think for the sake of yourself and your mother, she needs to be put in a home where there is adaquete care....if she can't make it to the bathroom then she is not capable of taking care of herself....She is using her illness as a cruch to get what she wants from you and above all else she is disrespecting you and your home...you need to tell her that this is your house and either she follows the rules as you would in her house or she needs to go somewhere that people will take care of her!!! Good luck