Catch her or later?

Question

Me and my husband are going out for dinner for our aniversary. Yesterday, when I picked up the phone I heard her planning a party with her friend which would take place at my house while we were gone. I was about to go punish her when I realized that she's got to learn her lesson sometime, she's got to go through it to understand the dangers of it. I know that she's a smart 17-year-old, and she would never drink or have sex. She's not a troubled girl, she's top-of-the-class. Should I let her go through with her party and then learn all the risks she exhibited, or catch her now and make sure she is safe? I want the best for my baby, but the problem is, she's growing up. Should the decision be hers? Normaly I would go into her room right now and punish her but I'm not so sure now, considering she's almost 18-years-old.

Answer 1

Don't kid yourself.... even good girls drink and have sex!!! Like you say, she is almost 18.
Ultimately it's your house... your rules. Maybe let her know that it's okay if she wants to have a few friends over that night, and see what comes of it. If it gets out of hand, deal with the situation then.

Answer 2

I was a VERY good girl growing up, baby sat for people at church, became a Christian at 13, was trusted by many, adored by many, but I was also out drinking and sleeping around at a young age through high school. There were even people that I had grown up with since the age of 6 and as adults (I'm 32 now) we were exchanging stories of things we had done when we were younger and they are all STUNNED that I hadn't been as "good" as everyone thought. (I hid it very well.) Don't under estimate what we are all capable of. I never flaunted what I did and I sure do have regrets now as an adult and I am not saying that your daughter is acting like I did, but please don't be naive either. As far as what to do about the party.... come home from dinner early. Catch her in the act and then see for yourself first hand what type of party it is and if it is out of control or whatever. Then you most likely won't have to "say" anything, she'll just know.

Answer 3

Well it is your house, not hers. So even if you were okay with the party, there should be no reason why she should not tell you about it if she was really doing nothing wrong. There is also no reason why she would have to have a party when you are not there if there is nothing wrong going on.

Since she has been sneeking behind your back to plan this, maybe you shouldn't say anything. Instead maybe you should just show up back home early and catch them doing whatever it is that they needed to hide from you.

Another really important thing that I think I should point out is that you said you are celebrating your anniversary that day- did you ever think that maybe she is planning a surprise party for you when you get home? I mean if thats the type of daughter you have, its a big possability. If I were you I wouldnt jump to conclusions.

Answer 4

Sometimes the best thing to do, is just hold back and wait for the explosion. You are right, she does need to learn a lesson. And, you being there to help her pick up the pieces will be an invaluable lesson.

However, have you considered the deceit? If she is deceiving you, that is not good. If she lies to you that is not good. I would catch her on that one. And, I would be PO'd like nothing else, because she risked my trust for her entertainment. It isnt the party that is the issue, because clearly you trust her there, it is the fact that she is deceiving you that you need to address. But, catch her, that is so much more fun!!!

And, after you do, you need to calmly address those issues only. How trust is important, and you cant really discipline, knowing that you dont trust her anymore, to tell you the truth, to be who she is, should have enough impact on her.

Answer 5

There are two issues:

1: Her safety
2: The fact that she is lying to you

With respect to her learning about the dangers of the big bad
world, she's 17 and I think having a party at your house is
certainly a tiny danger considering some of the things I hear
about 17 year olds doing.

However, I am more concerned about her "Getting away
with" something. Again, at 17, she is soon not going to have
to anwer to you anyways ... but ... she is basically using your
resources (house) when you specifically forbade it.

That is stealing.

Do you want your progeny to steal, even if from you?

I would monitor as much as practical what is going on without
letting her know that you are doing so (and perhaps to convince
yourself that she is being safe). Then, I would confront her,
not with everything you know, but piece by piece and let
her dig herself deeper and deeper with lies.

It is going to be hideously uncomfortable - nasty, even.

However, she is becoming an adult - and adults are
supposed to be honest and trustworthy ...

OK, so that's a pipe dream, but its what we try to teach our
children, isn't it?

However, if she steals from you and gets away with it,
what will she steal next?

Answer 6

I would not confront her because then she knows you listened over the phone--And even if it was accidental, teenagers HATE to have their privacy broken. My mom used to do it all the time and I was a good kid and an A student so I felt that I did not deserve it. Your daughter sounds like a good kid too, but she is a teenager and wants to have fun.

To answer your question, I'd say something like...

"You know dad and I are going out for our aniversary. We've been talking about it and we both trust you so we decided that you can have a few friends over if you want." Place a limit on it and set some boundaries. Remind her that if she breaks your trust it will take a long time to win it back. Then trust her. You say she is a good kid, so reward her for it. It is tough being a good kid today. Believe me--I made it through highschool without drinking, drugs, or sex but there is a lot of peer pressure. It is tough to not give in, but parents play a major role in giving a kid good morals. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 7

Well, she is almost 18. On the other hand, it is your house. You could tell her that you know about the party, making sure that she understands that you found out by accident. If you are comfortable with her throwing the party, tell her that you have to help plan it. Also let her know that you MIGHT stop in just to make sure things aren't getting out of control. This is one way to give her the freedom she needs while maintaining control of the situation. Just remember, if the party is in YOUR home & there is underage drinking or illegal drugs, YOU are the one that will get into trouble & end up in jail.

Answer 8

Well, it's your home and she lives in it so she has to play by your rules.

How far do you REALLY trust her? A lot of people will say that "my kids would never do that" and then end up with a pregnant daughter.

And what do you plan to do if you don't put the party down now, ahead of time? Come home and catch her with all her friends? How is she going to "learn all the risks she exhibited?" by letting everyone show up?

My home.....my rules. I'd probably go put it down now with the "you can't pull anything over on me......I know everything" card. Get her to come clean with you and let you know what she's planning/who she wants to invite. If it's just a couple of friends you are comfortable with, you might want to give her a green light. If it's a big bash.....better to put it down now than deal with it on your anniversary.

Another possibility.....reschedule your anniversay dinner at the last minute so she doesn't have time to tell people not to come over.

Answer 9

SG- I can tell you love her but stand up! Don't let her get away with it. If she goes through with it she may have the time of her life and the only thing learned is that she can pull one over on good 'ol mom and dad. You said "she's growing up". She's not there yet. She's still only 17, she's still under your roof, and you are still her mother. I liked the idea someone else had about cancelling the dinner and telling her at the last minute. Just see how many people show up.

Answer 10

I'd confront her about it now, something like, 'So how about that party?' and give the all-knowing-parent look. If you want her to go through with it (which it sounds like you do), let her know that you're okay with it, set down a few guidelines (if you break something you're paying for it, nothing illegal, that sort of thing). And then wish her to have fun.
Hopefully, she'll appreciate the openness you're giving her (because she is growing up) and might even tell you the next time she's planning one (or planning to go to one) because she's found out that you trust her.

Answer 11

she still lives in your house and should of asked you if she could have a party. and not do it behind your back. are you going to take the responsibilty of the other kids that is going to be there. you don't know what will happen . and can your daughter handle the situation if someone got in a fight and start breaking your things, or what if 2 kids sneaks ups stairs and has sex in one of the bedroom. Im not saying this will happen but it could. and i would think twice on letting your child have a party behind your back. its not right. If that was me and my dad found out. i be in big trouble. and since you caught her on the phone and she doesn't know you know. what makes you so sure she don't drink or had sex when shes out somewhere.