All he wants to do is sleep all day, not take meals with us and stay up till 3am watching TV or on the computer. He left all the lights on in the house, refrigerator open all night. Yet he wants me to take him shopping and run the washer and dryer when he is up - doing all his laundry. He only brought dirty clothes with him ( college student). I paid for an airline ticket for him. This is the holidays - all I wanted was to spend time with him and hopefully have him get to know his stepfather better. We feel his behavior is disrespectful. Are we wrong?
2006-12-26 07:24:34 · 29 answers · asked by juneaulady 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Tell him how you feel from the heart - no yelling, no you better this you better that-- Tell him that you understand that it may be difficult for him that you have remarried, but that you love him and that no matter who else comes into your life, that love will never change.
Laundry: I never heard of any college kid coming home without dirty laundry - be happy to do it; my daughter was gonna go off to college and i thought eventually i would get her dirty laundry, but she died instead, get my point? I wish I had that laundry, God how I wish.....
Now you didn't say whether your son has had any interactions with the new hubby yet or not - nor did you say if the stepfather treats your son with respect.... these are questions that are very important - so give them thought.
If after thinking about that, the situation is just that he's acting like a jerk because of the new spouse, and is acting the way he is because he feels its his mom, so therefore the house, the house rules, everything else is also his, and was his before the new guy came in, and he's demonstrating this by acting like the King of the Hill, ITS GOT TO END. If he is leaving lights on, and being lazy, etc the way he always was, and nothing is different, then he needs to find out how things are going to be different. But if this is new for him for the most part, and he wasn't ever like this to this great extent, then its obvious that he just wants to peeve off the new dad - THATS GOT TO END, TOO.
You took a husband, made a home with him, your kid is not a little child anymore - either he acts like an adult and respects the family home, or he should pack his things and go back to school until he grows up. You, of course, anxiously await this to happen because you dearly love him, and would rather have him visit.
But you will not tolerate certain things in your home. You expect respect. You expect it for yourself, your husband, your home, and for your son as well. If you don't put your foot down, nothing will change, except probably your new husband is gonna go off on him and then you are really gonna have an upset in your home. Nip it in the bud.
2006-12-26 08:01:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
First, let me ask a question: what if you had never gotten divorced and he acted this way? I bet you'd read him the riot act for leaving the fridge door open all night and not eating with the family! Your expectations and discipline should not change just because you are sensitive to him adjusting to the new situation.
Sleeping, dirty laundry, late night TV are all typical college student behavior, of course. It's Christmas break, after all, so as far as he's concerned he's on "vacation." That doesn't excuse everything you describe, though. It's up to you to draw the line of what you're willing to accept, and to stick to that. Let him know what your expectations are before he even comes out, and emphasize that your point is so that you can all spend time together and have a positive family visit.
2006-12-26 07:43:42 · answer #2 · answered by EQ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did he behave this way when he was living with you? It's definitely not the behavior you would expect from an adult houseguest. It's entirely possible that your son is just being lazy. But I actually wonder if there is something wrong with your son's mental health. If these behaviors are radically different from the things he did before, I would say that he could be experiencing something like depression or maybe another mental health problem. Perhaps this is a blessing because you may now have the opportunity to truly help your son.
2006-12-26 08:06:27 · answer #3 · answered by drshorty 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely not, he's being 100% disrespectful. But, unfortunately, he seems to be acting just like most of the others that are his age. The time he spends wasting away in front of the TV or computer is a product of a lazy generation. And with laziness, comes a certain self-centered attitude. I'm not saying he's a bad kid but when I came home from college, my mom let me use her washer and dryer (for free) but I had to do my laundry myself, and without her asking me to, I would throw a few loads of her laundry in, out of respect. Maybe you should just come out with it and talk to him. Ask him to pitch in a little bit, you are, after all, his mother.
2006-12-26 07:41:26 · answer #4 · answered by wicky_busstop 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been there when I was a teen and i saw my brother went through the same passage.
He might have some deeper issues between you and him. My parents got divorced when I was 15 and my brother was 11. We started live with our dad. Because mom gave us up. He remarried about 2 yrs after. We had so many problems with our step family. And they ended up separated and divorced.
All these years, we thought that we just didn't get along with our step family. But as we get older, we realized that we had unspoken issues with our parents.
We had so many hateful memories with them and they were never been solved.
And we found out that it's kind of too late as my dad gets older because he is becoming selfish and keep denying what had happened.
Talk to your son before it's too late. Maybe he doesn't know how to bring it out because he didn't learn how to talk about it at the first place.
And when he finally talk about it then do really think about it. Ask him more questions if you don't understand why he think about something that way. Try to understand. He has good reasons to believe in what he believes in.
And if you find it that it was your fault then do apologize sincerely.
Earn his trust first before you pick out his bad behavior.
Then he will listen to you and he will clean up his action before you say it.
Trust me but it's all come from parents. When you change your behavior then they will follow.
Good Luck^^
2006-12-26 08:14:46 · answer #5 · answered by abby l 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His behavior was disrespectful HOWEVER you are the person who raised him to behave this way so you really only have yourself to blame.
I would suggest next time sending him the tickets but explaining PRIOR to arrival that he will be expected to have meals and spend some time with you and your husband.
Please keep in mind that most college students are bums when they come home, they raid the fridges, bring home piles of dirty laundry, and stay up all night partying and doing what THEY want to do. It is part of the age and lifestyle.
2006-12-26 07:54:17 · answer #6 · answered by Goose&Tonic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it is disrespectful. He is not at home. He is at your house and should go by the way you do things. Like not staying up all night. Don't be quiet during the day just for him. If he gets woke up, oh well. It's o.k. to help with the laundry of his, but insist he help you do it too. Or just don't finish the rest. Let him take it back dirty if you have to. Next time he visits, make the time shorter.
2006-12-26 07:30:58 · answer #7 · answered by Shari 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Im 19. years old, and I kno I do some of those things, cuz when Im on vacation i def. feel very chill, im in a lazy mode soemtimes, soemtimes i jus wanna sleep and have time for myself...but ill b honest, ill cut some time in for my father when i go to NY even if someitmes i dont feel like (not neccessarily being with him) but being with anyone. The feeling to be a couch potatoe is real normal.. But disrecpect is another story. I have respect for my father, and hes dropped outta school at 8th grade, has done drugs and alcohol, i luv him to death.. I give him atleast that; respect, REGARDLESS. So now theres not many occasions where we have problems when i go c him, but the lazyness comes into effect... I thin ku should tell ur son, not in a sad, helpless manner, but in a stern, effective way wat hes doing is unacceptable.. and let him kno that u want him there because u want ur new husband and ya'll to become more "family ideal". My father once told me how sad he was cuz all i did was stay on the fone with my gurl, and it really proved something to me on how i was in a sense, ignoring him, so i shaped up... But i dont blatently disrecpect him, no no.. This should be handled by talkin to ur son with reason but as soon as he turns disrespectful, let the b*tch come out. Some thinss arent acceptable, this isnt. If he sees this side he jus may b like, sh*t, "im not neccessarily afraid, but thats jsut a side of my mom i dont like".
2006-12-26 07:42:49 · answer #8 · answered by ProudSouthLatin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He knows he can get way with it and that's why it happens. Where are his boundaries?? He's an adult and should have the respect for his parents. You need to not worry about how he's getting on with your new husband (incidentally, you refer to him as your son's stepfather. He is not. At 19 years old, your son will see him as your partner, not his stepfather - perhaps he is disrespecting you because of this?) and let him fend for himself 99% of the time! Be there if needed, but not to be used!
2006-12-26 09:13:11 · answer #9 · answered by Nick J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. it somewhat isn't any longer extraordinary. provide your self credit for each thing you have completed for him. Now that he's able to be on his very own, it somewhat is a while to look up for your self and for those that are no longer there yet. he's an person now and in charge for each thing he does and accomplishes. don't sense stupid or extraordinary approximately it. Make your thoughts shown in the event that they arrive out, do no longer conceal them. you're responding as any good mom could. Then, for a on an identical time as you will nevertheless sense like that and undergo in suggestions that it somewhat is common and envisioned. You gave beginning to him yet till now that, you shared your person flesh and blood with him. Any mom that would not sense such as you while a son or a daughter is shifting out from domicile, would not deserve such spectacular and prefer no different identify: mom.
2016-10-19 00:21:17 · answer #10 · answered by kigar 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋