BF has a daughter.. How to deal?

Question

My live in boyfriend of 8 months has a teenage daughter who lives across the country ... Even though she's far far away, I'm pretty uncomfortable with it. We're perfect for eachother, but when it comes to one day marrying him, I don't think I can go through with it. One day I'd like to share a new experience of child birth with a first timer as well. Not with someone who's been through it... Any of you think the same way.. Have you or do you have a bf that has a kid? How do you deal?

Answer 1

If this is what you are feeling and thinking now, it is time to move on and leave them alone. The daughter has no choice in the matter. If her father choose to be with you, she has to accept you as a step-mother whether she likes it or not. Is that fair to her? I am sure you knew he had a daughter before you started living together. Why didn't you leave then? I will tell you something, no one says you have to accept the situation, however, keep in mind that when you have a child of your own and, God forbid, your child's father leaves you alone to raise that child, how do you think you will feel if no one wants you because you have a child? Would you say it is fair to you? Would you then feel sorry for yourself? Try to imagine how you would really feel, then ask yourself how his daughter must feel. Don't be selfish and only think of yourself. I am not saying you are a bad person, but at least let go now if you know in your heart that you can not deal with that situation before letting the feelings you have for each other becomes much stronger and someone gets hurt really bad. Don't do it only for yourself, but for him and his daughter. Good luck. I wish you all the best and hope you find in life the things that will make you happy.

Answer 2

If you want to save your relatonship with the man then you are going to have to develop a relationship with his child. And this will be hard under the current circumstances. You could try ignoring her silence and just speaking to her pleasantly. Maybe arrange an activity that only the two of you will do together, maybe bake a cake in the kitchen while he watches tv. Say you are helping her to bake a cake especially for him. Or maybe take her shopping to buy HIM a present of some sort that he needs. Whatever you chose to do you need to make HIM the centre of the activity, without him actually being there. You would also need to repeat this every time you see her, even if the activity only takes an hour or so. Maybe wash HIS car with her as a gift for him? This will take a lot of compassion and effort on your part and there are no guarantees. If you don't feel you have the strength left to do this or attempt it, then maybe you would be better apart. He doesn't sound very understanding or thoughtful towards you and your feelings. The kid sounds unhappy and wary.

Answer 3

Well, I'm 24 and my fiance's 32... he has a 12 year old son. At first I was a little, lets say less than excited about it. But eventually you'll get over it. Allow yourself to be open minded, stop being resentful and accept it. If you truely are the perfect match, you'll come to terms with it. Every relationship is different and so is every family. When you guys get married and have a child, I'm sure it will be nothing like his previous experience. Embrace the fact that he trusts you enough to tell you about his daughter. Have you met her? She could be amazing and maybe teach you how to act or understand things coming from a teenager! Look at the positives! Good luck!

Answer 4

Every person has a past. Every man you meet has had a relationship with someone else. Is this a reason not being the first. Sounds more like jealousy as opposed to a decision. The two of you could marry experience the birth of your first child and all the joy that comes with it. The child will be your (the two of you) first.

Answer 5

If you can't deal with the fact that he is already a father then you need not string him along. Let him go to be with someone that will not see any harm in his already having a child. It is normal to want to be with someone to have the first child but life has its little unexpected packages. If you really like this guy as much as you say you do then his having a daughter should not bother you. Did he not tell you about his daughter when you first got together? If he did then you knew you would have to take him with his baggage also. I'm not saying this to be mean in anyway but it is a fact of life.

Answer 6

If he really was perfect for you, you wouldn't be having this problem. If you think it is a large enough problem to never want to marry him, then there is no point in wasting any more time--yours or his. It is unfair to him if he is hoping for marriage and you know you will never marry him.

If you think he is the one for you, you will have to come to accept this alternative to your dream life. Perhaps he wants more children--then you will have a first child of your own. If you truly love him, the fact that he has witnessed child birth with his own child and another woman's before should not affect you in any way.

Personally, I feel the same way you feel. I know I could never be with someone who already had a family, and I also know that this is very important to me--something I'd never fully come to terms with. If it were me, I'd let him go.

Answer 7

Oh my god...someone else that feels the same way as I do. I dated someone who had a kid with someone. I felt the same way. I want to marry and have kids with someone who has never been there - done that before.
We dated for almost 2 years before we broke up but I will say, the feelings faded. But it did bother me for a long time. I think I had gotten over it before we did break up. But it's hard...very hard. Good luck and sorry I don't have much advice for you. Just that if you love him...stick it out and try to look past it. It will be the first time for him...sharing something with you. That's the best I've got for ya.

Answer 8

Well, Wait until the ex come around and the kid wants extras. My mom has been dating a guy who's ex wife used to be always in the way and the kids just wanted extra money. Now the guy is broke and my mom is the one supporting him, his kids don't call or anything.

Answer 9

I think that if you truly love him and want to marry him, you should be able to get past the fact that he has a daughter. In a way it should be easier since she is grown and lives far away.

Answer 10

I think if this guy has only "one" kid you should not let something like that get in the way of your relationship. He is who he is because of that kid. Children mature some men. If anything she has helped your guy be a better man for you. As long as he has "one" kid I wouldn't worry. You love him. Don't let that ruin your relationship with him.