How do I put this in perspective?

Question

My 14 year old step son and his friends were playing their video games and I was in my office beside them getting some work done. I overheard a conversation about me. The gist of the conversation was in reference that the only reason why he cares for me is for what I can get for him. Nothing more. I have been raising this child for the better part of his life. I'm the primary breadwinner. I have taken really good care of him and I also have solid rules that I stick with that I know he does not like. I cannot believe how this has effected me. I am crushed. I know I need to keep this in perspective. I have propped his entire life, have moved moutains for him and his mother, and have taken more bs than any one person should have to hold. I cannot get this in perspective. And I don't mind knowing the truth even if it sucks to hear. And I think this was his truth. Any experience here from step parents? This is a rotten job sometimes.

Answer 1

I remember many things I said about my mother when I was 14 that I deeply regret. He hasn't experienced how hard it is to get what you give him for himself yet. Once he starts becoming more independent and realizing the work that must be put in he will regret it. I would let this slide and give him a few more years to realize how much you do for him. Keep your chin up and keep up the good work!

Answer 2

I have a feeling that some of that conversation may have been bravado in front of his friends, if not then he's an ungrateful little bug ger! Saying that I was a pain in the *** at 14 too, maybe it's just the terrible teens! I would talk to his Mother explain what you heard but DON'T let her cause a scene and go in all guns blazing as the kid will resent you. I am not a step parent, but you have my utter admiration for doing so. I hope things get sorted soon. Best of luck.

Answer 3

That must have been hard to hear. I had a similiar thing happen many years ago when I was 14 and I was the step child. My step mother was not as important in my life but she was always kind to me yet I was still bitter towards her. I was always nice to her face but I had feelings of resentment and jealousy because I am a kid and your feelings are hard to deal with as an adult and a million times harder as a child.

Needless to say, I talked trash about her and someone over heard and said they were going to tell her and I got so upset. I went to her and we had a heart to heart talk and it was the best thing ever.

Go to your step son at a time when you have a chance to just be together and chat. Let him know that you over heard and it really hurt your feelings. Let him know that you love him and have tried really hard to help him out and be a father to him. Chances are he'll feel terrible and let you know that he really does love you and was just being a tough guy to his friends.

As much as he may love you it still hurts that you are taking the place of where his biological father should be. Rejection, no matter waht the cause, hurts.

Remember he is a child. You should feel proud that you have done so much for him and that you do care.

Take Care. SD

Answer 4

First off remember he is a kid at 14 you have yet to learn how to express your true feelings in front of your peers...that may have been his way of saying that really appreciates you being there for him if in fact his life would have been totally different had his mom been with someone else. Maybe take the time and sit down with him one day and have a heart to heart and see where his head is when it comes to you..don't mention the conversation you overheard. Get to know more of him and allow him to get to know more of you...it seems like he needs a few lessons about morals, values and thankfulness! Good Luck!

Answer 5

You will hear similar conversations about adults that ARE the kids real parents. I think there are two things you should consider: 1) The kid is 14. At that age, they only have respect for themselves. They REALLY DO know it all and don't need you setting rules for them. 2) You said the kid was with his friends. At that age friends are more important than parents. Sometimes kids will say something to their friends just to be popular that they would be totally embarrassed for their parents to hear.

I wouldn't get too excited about hearing something like this at age 14. If you hear something similar at age 18 or 19 then you have a problem.

Answer 6

You know a 14 year old often doesn't know what he says. I have younger brothers who were raised by their grandparents and there have been so many times where I have heard them say "i hate you, i hope you die" or ridiculous comments of the like. It's something that does go away with age. One of them is now almost 18 and you can really see a change and that he appreciates them more. I'm sure he really does and will care about what you have done. It's just that age where he just likes to show off to his friends and appear "cool".

Answer 7

Your step son is probably trying to say what he thinks will impress his friends.He wants to appear that he "is cool".Every parent feels the same way you do when they think that their child does not appreciate all your efforts.Sometimes we just have to hang in there. It does get better as they mature and the key word is mature.You must continue being the parent and your son will still be your son. I wouldn't let on you overheard this conversation or he will swear you were intentionally spying on him.Children,especially teens, do not know how to express their love of their parents or their appreciation of all their parents do for them.Their friends seem to be more important to them than their parents but don't forget that he will still need you to be there for him.Keep the lines of communication open, let him make choices (even if he makes some wrong ones) and be his parent not his pal. It hurts when you think your child does not love you.Trust me , most children love their parents but it isn't "cool" to say it.

Answer 8

Dont let this hurt you the way that it has. I too like you am a step parent, and my hubby is also the step father of my boys. Things have been said and done that hurt more than anything, but theres nothing you say or do that will change him or how he feels. You know what you have done for him, you know you love him, do your best to love his mother and when he is older he will see what kind of dad you really were to him and how much you provided for him. Dont let these things get you down so much, i know thats tough to do but hes only 14 and sometimes kids do and say things they dont mean for whatever reason. Try to get over it, and talk to his mom about it, or hey hes 14 sit down and tell him you over heard him talking and let him know how much it hurts to hear those things from him and that you do your best to love him and his mom and provide for them, and if thats how he really feels ask him to tell you.....

Answer 9

Wow, I can understand why you feel so devastated. Without knowing the dynamics and this child, I would say that this child, abeit at age 14 sound quite selfish. You say you take a lot of BS. Why do you allow yourself to be a doormat? I would discuss this problem with your husband and the child. In fact, I would even say at this point to get into family therpay. If htis child feels this way, I wouldn't blame yourself. We can only guide and direct our children but all in all they become their own person and sometimes it has nothing to do with how you choose to raise him. Good luck.

Answer 10

I'm not a step-parent or step-child, but I can see how this would affect you. It was disrespectful for him to say such. at any age. Teenagers will be teenagers, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. I would have a nice little chat with him. I would tell him you overheard the conversation and you want to know all about why it was said.