Family speaking negatively of baby's father in front of the baby's 9 yr old big sister. What can I do?

Question

I am a single mom expecting another baby. I've been in an on-and-off relationship with the father of the baby for a year now. We've had some issues to deal with in our relationship, but we are trying to work through them. At any rate, my family has never cared for the baby's father. On Christmas I spent part of the day with my family at my parent's house and part of the day with my baby father and his family. My 9 yr old daughter wanted to spend the whole day with my family. When I came back to my parent's house to spend more time with them my daughter was sad. Apparently, the whole time I was gone my mom and sister were speaking negatively about the baby's father in my daughter's presence. When I got there they got started up again, my daughter having probably heard more than what she needed to hear and then some, burst into tears.
I told them that they should not speak badly about the baby's father in front of her, because she is a child and doesn't understand.

The baby I'm expecting and my 9 yr old daughter do not have the same father.

Let me clarify a few things and give you all more background info. I was married for 6 yrs before, but my ex and I have been divorced for 2 years now. We gotten married when my daughter was only 2 yrs old and they have a healthy father/daughter relationship.
I have a college degree and managerial office job where I'm employed. I pay my tax dollars like everyone else. I chose to have my baby.
Please do not stereotype all single mothers, because while there are some who use the system there are those of us who are survivors and work hard to take care of our families--with or without a man. I appreciate everyone's insight. Its good to get an objective POV.
The baby's father wants to be involved in the baby's life, which there is no reason why he shouldn't be.
However, there are other areas in his life that he needs to get in order if he and I are going to be together and stay together. Otherwise, we don't have to be together to raise our baby.

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear about your christmas, but you are right to stan your ground on this issue, family should not have a right to say anything in front of your daughter concerning your baby's father, or anyone of the fathers, because that has absolutley nothing to do with them. Whover you chose to be with is/was your choice noone elses, what you need to do is set up boundaries and let your parents know that no matter what the situation is, that their negativity doesn't help any, from now on I would suggest not telling your family no more than they should concerning your life that you wouldn't want them speaking about in front of anyone. Tell them that any disrespect that they show towards the baby's father is disrespect towards you, and that it will not be tolerated if it's hurting your children. Good luck

Answer 2

You should make it clear to your family that they should not talk negatively around your daughter about your baby's father. No one in your family should make her feel bad. They should be making her feel loved and safe. She does not understand these other matteres, even though they may have thier own feels about your baby's father. I am a single parent myself and my father told my family to never say or ask anything about my baby's father because he did not want to feel bad or my daughter either. She grew up loved and well adjusted because of this and your children can grow up the same if you let them know this is not the way to be with your daughter.

Answer 3

You are correct -- Your daughter does not need to hear these things about her father. Your family needs to be considerate to your request to not speak negatively in front of her.

Children do not know any better. They hear all this negative discussion about a parent, it reflects back on them as "there must also be something wrong with me, too". Children love their parents, unconditionally and to speak badly hurts them very much.

My suggestion is to take these folks aside, away from your daughter, and tell them this. Ask them, strongly, to respect your request to discontinue this negative behavior. Tell them that it is hurting your child and you need them to realize this and stop. If they feel the need to continue, then they need to speak privately with you about it, or you may need to discontinue bringing your daughter around them, for her protection.

I wish you luck - this is not an easy fix. It takes effort from everyone.
Best wishes in the New Year!

Answer 4

This is not good at all. A 9 yr old is very sensitive.
Tell your 9 yr old to ignore negative comments, they are
just trying to turn her against the father of the baby.
U need to sit down with your daughter (9) and explain how folks can be cruel and neg. and u dont want her to be like that.
And for her to ignore negative comments.

Answer 5

sometimes people get lost within thier own lil circle and opinions seem to fly....all that matters is thier opinions of certain people they don't look at the whole picture to see a child could be hurt during this...

I'm sorry your daughter had to go thru this, as I faced the same kinda issues within my family.....the best thing i ever did, after I saw no matter what I said, or how I felt wasn't important to them was to move away and create my own environment for my children...it's hard to leave family but sometimes ya gotta do whats best for the kids....till the family opens thier eyes to what they have done! God Bless!!

Answer 6

May be they dont realize their stupidity and thinks your daughter is to young to understand their harsh and ignorant words. Tell them how it effects your daughter. Also have a family meeting with them and your daughter. Tell them not to speak and listen to you and your daughter. Let your daughter inform them how badly talking about her dad makes her feel. Make sure they understand, that this is their warning and if it persists, you will be forced and have no choice but to cut them out of your children lives. Some people really dont realize how some of the things we do and say effects our children. Dont forget to sit down and talk to your daughter and let her know not to allow their opinions to ever come in between her realtionship with her father. Dont try and convince your family to like her father, just make sure she does. Remember, her opinion matters most.

Answer 7

Don't blame your mess on your family. Take a look at your life. You have a 9 year old daughter and you are pregnant, out of wedlock, with another baby. What are you teaching your daughter? You should be setting an example for her. Stop blaming your family and get your life in order.

Answer 8

First of all you need to make them understand that he is your family too, and by disrespecting him they are also disrespecting you. Would they talk badly of you in front of your daughter? It shouldn't be any different. If they fail to understand your point of view then you should tell them that you can no longer hang out with them. That doesn't mean to blow them off completely, though. Good luck with that, and I hope they really do understand how you feel.

Answer 9

You did the right thing but I know they knew they were doing the wrong thing by speaking badly about him in front of her in the first place. I would also tell them that you have made the decision to be with this guy and they need to respect that fact and not to EVER use your child as a way to vent and talk about him again.

Answer 10

Good for you for speaking up! They should've known better. You need to tell them how upset your daughter was and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable. In future don't leave her there on her own unless you can trust your family not to discuss him in front of her. If they can't stop themselves maybe you need to see them a little less until they get the message.