My stepson is 26. I've been in his life since he was 9. I've always thought we were fairly close, we've always gotten along, anyhow. I'm not a materialistic person at all but the principal of this issue, really is becoming hurtful. Here it is: for the last 2yrs my stepson has called past 8pm on my birthday and been home all day. He said "happy birthday" Im sorry I couldnt get you anything but I'm really broke. OK no big deal right? Then, that night he goes to dinner at a pricey rest. with friends and always manages to scrape up present money for their 3 kids but can't stop buy Dollar Tree and get a 50. card for his stepmom! A "homemade" one would make me even happier! Like I said it's the principle. I think the present thing is trying to tell me something, for x-mas, he gave his dad a $80 toolbox and I got a candle set (clearance stickered w/ a candle missing) I tried to tell his dad how I feel but he didn't even want to listen and just blew it off with excuses for him. Any advice?
2006-12-26 04:51:43 · 10 answers · asked by Gh Hiller 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Well, you seem to be saying that he didn't do this until about 2 years ago, right? So maybe you have done something that upset him. If he still calls you on your birthday, but feels the need to explain that he's broke, I suspect that he's noticed your penny counting ways and it makes him uncomfortable to know you're pricing out his gifts and using them as a measure of his affection. How do you know that he went out for a pricey dinner on your birthday? Or how much his dad's gift cost? Sorry to be a downer, but maybe you need to look at yourself first.
2006-12-26 07:56:49 · answer #1 · answered by Robin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your stepson is a man now and it's time to deal directly with him. When he calls to say happy birthday and says he's really broke, tell him very nicely that you would have enjoyed a birthday card, if nothing else (don't say "homemade" card, because the man can certainly afford a birthday card for a stepmom who's been in his life for more than 15 years).
If he gave me a candle set with candles missing, I'd tell him the gift was damaged and give it back to him. "Perhaps you can get your money back," I'd say. It's time to let this person understand that you're no longer willing to be hurt by him. If it means no more thoughtless gifts, so be it. If it means no more birthday calls, fine. He's only going through the motions, anyway.
If you don't stop your stepson from hurting you, he's not going to stop. You need not be mean or coarse with him. Just respond to his carelessness by letting him know it's no longer acceptable. Stop allowing his disregard for you, and you'll see a change in him.
2006-12-26 05:43:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry that this has hurt your feelings so. Please dont let it. Stop reciprocating. For HIS birthday send a card, a very generic one and leave it at that. Holidays, same deal. Who knows what his issues is........could have been hereditary from HIS mother. If my 26 year old step son went to dinner at a fancy resturant on MY birthday, the only way I would know about it is if I saw him there. When you see it his him dont answer the phone. If he has a habit of calling you at 8pm that makes it easier catch a movie or just be busy. You did what you did for him out of the kindness of your heart. His dad will always feel sorry for him and stick up for him because dad was not with his mom...waah!
The kid is 26, let it go, as for the tacky candles that you got, write a thank you note and move on. He wanted a rise out of you and if you give him one you are just assuring repeat performances! IF he wants to act like a 3 year old respond as you would to any other infantile behavior
2006-12-26 21:00:15 · answer #3 · answered by kissmymiddlefinger 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what advice to give you...you said its the principle. Then mentioned at Christmas you were upset because he stopped and picked up something cheap for you marked down at clearance....That would be hurtful to me too.......But it seems more like you want to know that you matter to him...after all you came into his life when he was nine and he's hurting your feelings because he doesn't show you that you matter to him. The same as other family members in his life do. The fact that he called you on your Birthday not a day or two later means that he actually does remember it is that day....and comparing yourself to his kids is never going to help.....even his own father will take second to his kids when they are little...Maybe you could approach your stepson and his family and ask if it would be possible to have a little get together on your birthday from now on....that you don't want presents...but that you would just like to have them over to share an hour and a slice of cake with you as you miss them and would enjoy that...you never mentioned how far away they lived from you....I'm not sure what else to suggest....hope it helps
2006-12-26 05:16:12 · answer #4 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't approach it to his dad. It's instinct to defend you kid. Here's my take...I'm married to a 26 year old who is fairly thoughful and responsible considering he is a man and is 26. My husband had NEVER gotten his mother (biological) anything, not even a phone call. I send her a gift from all of us that I picked out, paid for, wrapped, and placed a card on. He's not trying to tell you something. He's just a typical young guy. Honestly. My husband has no malice for his mother but he's not thoughtful in that way. Think of all of the things you two have done together or he has done for you on a normal basis. Does he help you with the groceries? compliment your dinner? The small things are what tell you his true feelings. My husband bought himself an xbox 360 but couldn't scratch up the money to put gas in my tank. It's just a guy thing. Not all guys, but most. Don't take it to heart. He got his dad a nice gift because: A. He could use it when he needed a tool, B. His dad could use it to fix or make him something, or C. He just knows what his dad likes. Don't worry!
2006-12-26 04:58:48 · answer #5 · answered by Jamie 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If this has only happened in the last 2yrs and not in the previous years it probably is because he is broke. But you mention he went out to a pricey restaurant, it might be he is upset about something you did or said. You need to let him know his been acting different and you want to know why, tell him how painful it is for you.
2006-12-26 05:13:39 · answer #6 · answered by Alex 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this is a tricky one. i think of i could initiate via chatting which comprise your husband privately, tell him your concerns and are available up with a plan. Then i could plan to take a seat down and have a "assembly" which comprise your husband and his son (ideally while the extra youthful ones are all in mattress, they do no longer could desire to be in touch with this). You and your husband ought to tell him your concerns, and clarify that this is no longer the way you do issues on your loved ones. tell him which you like him and desire to help him, yet which you will no longer tolerate certainly one of those abuse he's allotting. If he desires to stay below your roof, he will stay below your rules. i know you desire to help him, yet that form of behaviour is going to have a detrimental effect on all and sundry on your loved ones - at the same time which comprise your youthful babies. i'm constructive you do no longer want them picking up his behavior! If issues do no longer strengthen, tell him that he will could desire to locate his very own place ASAP. he's in all probability basically sorting out the bounds precise now. His existence has been exceedingly topsy turvy via the sounds of issues, and he's in all probability finding for some consistency. He may well be offended on the start, yet once you're company with the guidelines (in a being concerned way of direction) he will learn how to comprehend you extra because of the fact of it interior the long-term. good good fortune!
2016-11-23 17:59:25 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps the stepson is slightly uncomfortable. If his friends teased him about getting along so well with you, someone not even genetically related to him, he may choose not to give you as much attention as he used to.
Tell him that you understand this, you just want to know that he still cares about you. He may embarrased that he cares about, as you are "only" his stepmom.
2006-12-26 04:58:00 · answer #8 · answered by Earnesty_in_life 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not feel so bad, it is hard with stepchildren and your son is an adult. You can ask him about it it this really bothers you. I think people change and maybe this is how he feels now on gifts for you. He may feel he does not have to give you gifts that matter any more. If you talk to him about it then he can explain but I think he has changed.
2006-12-26 05:11:02 · answer #9 · answered by justmmez 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just give him the respect he may need and keep a distance and never bother him with his things
2006-12-26 05:04:24 · answer #10 · answered by pimpers paradise 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋