Is he freaky or am I bitchy ?

Question

Even though Im almost 30, I am naive in dating.
Ive only had one long time boyfriend who was protective & sweet to me. A guy whom I knew thru friends long ago and I have reconnected recently.
Unfortunately his behavior has some red flags.
I travel alot for work and he and I have been in touch via phone/ims.
We havent slept together yet but he has gtten explicit in ims/on the phone.
each time he has I tell him to cut it out and thne he sas he's joking.
But what he says seems weird to joke about.
he has asked me if i'd like to try @nal sex/ be tied up/hurt a little /forced somewhat against my will "pretend" rape
he then says how much i turn him on.
there is a lot i like about this guy but I have this tiny nagging feeling in my gut that wont go away.
he wanted to go out and hang out at my place or his and i shot him down.
i did tell him i was a bit scared though.
instead of making me feel better he got upset and called me a mean *****. Was I right to tell him no ? Im confused

Answer 1

He's interested in a lot more--and a lot less--than you are. He wants sex--rather kinky sex at that, right now. You don't. He has violent fantasies. What more do you need to hear? Just quietly let it go. Tell him that you don't want to date any longer. Don't discuss your reasons with him in any detail, just tell him you are no longer interested, and stop taking his calls and IMs.

Since you are nearly 30 and cannot figure these things out easily, I suggest you find a counselor who can teach you what is appropriate behavior, and how to be assertive with others. The bottom line rules are that any mean or cruel behavior (for instance, calling you names and violent sexual fantasies) are a cause for ending the relationship. Anybody who pushes you into doing something you don't want to/aren't ready for, you need to break up with. Anybody who is addicted or has been in recovery less than 3 years, you need to refuse to have a relationship with them.

Liking things about a person isn't enough. We all have mixtures of good and bad qualities, but the good doesn't excuse the bad. It is possible to behave well and treat others with respect--constantly--and it is reasonable to expect that people will not push your buttons or your boundaries unnecessarily, especially to satisfy their sexual urges. His telling you that you turn him on is only a ploy to draw you into his depraved behavior via lust.

So again, study and talk to somebody about appropriate relationships and being politely assertive, and good wishes to you.

Answer 2

Any time someone continues to be explicit with you even though you've asked him to stop, it should be a red flag. Even if he were "joking" about the forceful intercourse, he's not at a point in your relationship with you to be that explicit with his fantasies. Go with your gut reaction. I've known a lot of friends, who, during our college years talked with men who "teased" like this, and it never turned out good. One of them ended up being raped. Keep that in mind. If he is making you uncomfortable, then stay away from him. It's your own safety at stake.

Answer 3

He's definitely freaky. His idea of sex is to be very aggressive and uncaring of the other person. Do you want to be a part of this kind of behavior? It's probably his mentality and may not change. I'd consider breaking off with this kind of weirdo if I were you. I doubt if he'll get any better after he "gets to know you better", if you get my drift.

But then again, you're probably like most girls...already "in love" with the guy and will end up marrying or having kids with this guy who'll become more of an abusive freak.

Be smart and get away from this nutcase before it's too late.

Answer 4

sounds like you two arent on the same level :-/
Trust me when i say.. he only claims to be joking b/c you express your feelings against it.. If you were to go along w/ it and say 'yes' he'd continue his comments...
If you got a gut feeling..... TRUST it.. it seems like he's a little too much for you right now. Not in a bad way.. but EVERYONE isnt meant for EVERYONE.
you not having a lot of dating experience... you need someone who's going to be a little less of an @$$, and a little more tender and considerate of your feelings.

If he's expressing these interests to you,,,, then they're probably sincere wishes/thoughts on his end.
either way... you should probably step back and head in another direction.
EXPECIALLY if he says he wants you to ''pretend' being raped. Rape is not a sexy thing and never anything that should turn ANY ONE on!!!!
thats a FLAG if ive ever seen one.

Good luck. find someone a little sweeter........

Answer 5

I think given the fact you guys have not been romantically involved yet he is very out of line. Dirty talk to that extent is usually for couples who have been intimate for a fairly long amount of time. It is used when both parties feel comfortable with one another and with their relationship that they can trust one another to talk in that manner.

I think this guy is pushy and potentially dangerous if he gets too sexually aroused and you turn him down. I think your instincts are right. Granted guys tend to be horny anyway but there are boundaries to how a guy should talk to his girlfriend...I know you guys knew each other prior to this but it sounds like he is making you feel uncomfortable and seems to care little about his behavior makes you feel...

Answer 6

For the first part...I would say some people have different tastes than others and since you weren't recripricating he felt embarassed or ashamed. I would just move on though because you two don't seem to have similiar interests. It's probably best not to get involved in a relationship especially sexual.

Answer 7

You are so NOT bitchy!

You are with a sicko! who watches way too much porn and spend alot of time on phone sex. (hence the weirdness) He is very perverted, NOT understanding, NOT supportive, and only sees you as a sex object.

I'm sorry to say this but... he so does not deserve a good person like you. How dare him call you a *****! Nope! he is so not right about the name calling! please, you need to cut him loose

PS: when he is all perverted on the phone... he is so not joking, he is just trying to see how much he can get away with. and the pretend rape thing??? Er... honey, any guy who really wants to rape a women need to be locked away... for good! that is just VILE!!!!

please, please and please! listen to me: do yourself a favour and get out of that relationship! nothing good is ever going to come out of it

Good luck

Answer 8

netiher. just because he's into that doesnt make him freaky, BUT it doesn't mean that you HAVE to be into it, just becasue he is. so no, your not a *****. you guys sound like your on differnt wavelengths.. your not in the same place. he's obviously looking for more of a physical connection, and not that there is anything wrong with that, but it really doesnt sound like something you have in mind. just tell him your looking for different things. its totally normal to be scared when a guy tells you that, and he should understand. but if he doesnt, tell him to kick rocks...he might really hurt you.. your better off girl

Answer 9

Anal and rape fantasies are fairly common today, but you seem to be kinda naive, so maybe this guy is not your type.

It is not cool what he said to you. That right there to me says he doesn't respect you, he just wants to use your orifices for his own pleasure. Tell him hookers charge $100 for those services and maybe he should look for it there.

Answer 10

Sounds like he has some issues. Sex is a big deal and if you're with someone who doesn't make it fun for you AS WELL, then chances are this person is not the right person for you. You need someone that doesn't make you uncomfortable about it, especially since you both haven't had sex yet.