Is it still possible to mend my relantioship with my 15- year-old son?

Question

A year ago, for some strange reason, he messed up. Joined bad crowds, drank, did some really bad and dangerous stuff. Unfortunately, we had to take harsh measures, he was grounded from almost everything for some months. He apologized and said he'd change. Probably he was being sincere, but he had lied several times and I couldn't be sure. So, I hcarried on w/ his punishment and this actually made him suffer a lot, especially emotionally, because despite everything he did he valued our trust. He changed completely, got over that phase, and simply can'y explain what made him mess up like that. Today he's again a great boy, we are proud of him, any parent would. But he never got over what happened. He's still sorry and avoid us, especially me. He says we remind him of those days and resents us really much because we didn't act as loving parents, did'nt forgive (not true) and didn't trust him when he was telling the truth. Can't see love in us, just strict law. Rlationship destroyed

I know I did my duty, but it's kinda sad to have a great son who you're proud of but is like a stranger to you. And he's a very unhappy boy

Answer 1

to be completely honest with u.....
i do not think this can be fixed
from my point of view it sound like he understands that he did some thing wrong. i think now he is trying to earn ur trust back.
i sorta agree with him though. sometimes u have to look at it from their point of view. he was probably pressured to do some of theses thing. it is very hard forr kids these days. i think he needed more love and compassion from u when these incidents happened. i hope u fix this. i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Hi u wonderful mum!

It would be interesting to know hold old your son is now! l am the mother of 5 children our oldest being 15, reading your letter l feel as a parent that you did the right punishment to suite the circumstance or other wise he might not have turned out to be the boy or man you are proud of now!
He might need reminding that the past is the past. time to start a new, you don't hold anything against him, so he shouldn't hold any choices you had to make as a parent against you. We learn by our mistakes that is why they are mistakes, we all make them young or old.
YOU acted as loving parents because YOU acted. If you didn't he could still be behaving the way he was or worse ended up dead because of his behaviour.
I say good on you, you did the thing, if he is reminded still of the events that means he hasn't dealt with his past and may need to ttalk to someone about it......Could all of you go to coucilling as a family?
Good luck to you being a parent is tuff stuff.

Answer 3

I hate the old saying "time heals all wounds" but in this case it is time that you will have on your side. He will someday have kids of his own and finally see the stupidity of holding a grudge when there isn't a valid reason. However, it is his choice. Will always be. The only way to get him back sooner is to write, call and e-mail him every day. Positive stuff only, no negative. After awhile his attitude might be worn down. Remember! If you have more than one child, do not spend all your resources (time and $) on this one kid! The others will be very upset with you and you will lose them all! Even if you explain your position to them!

Answer 4

the best way to solve family problems is to talk it out
ur Son thinks that's he did not get the support he wanted from his family when he really needed it. you did do ur duty but some where hurted his feelings, he is also ashamed of what he did and needs your full support t get out of it.
you should tell him how proud you are to have such a son, increase your interactions, go out with him for this new year and have a blast, let him feel that u are always there with him.

try this and then maybe you will find a difference and he might be able to forget his past.
BEST OF LUCK

Answer 5

My daughter and I went through a similar situation and it did not end with punishment because as soon as she was allowed out she would come in on time but kept bothering with that same bad crowd and doing the same things she did before only she did it earlier, when we found out she was punished yet again this went on for over a year. She hated me, she felt I was a police officer placing her in prison, she called me a dictator and various other names......Today she and I have built a magnificant relationship and we love each other unconditionally, it was not because of any one thing I said or did that changed her, it was that she began to mature and grow up and realize that what we did at the time was for her and that we hated the idea of having to go to such drastic measures.....She is now married and the mother of two and yes she punishes her son when he is disrespectful and she told me she will be tough on him also if he messes up......as she will be with her daughter when she gets a little older......Remember we did not do the punishing for enjoyment purposes we did it to make sure they did not get any further out of control.....We did it because we love them so stop punishing yourself and don't push the issue he will come around on his own.......

Answer 6

Take him to counseling with you and have the counselor help you convey to him that you acted out of love. Tough love. Good for you for sticking to your ideals of raising a productive child. He seems to be wanting to guilt you and for some reason he seems to be succeeding. Unless you did something abusive, its not wrong to make him go on with his punishment even though he began to show change. Now that he is not grounded/being punished, its important that you allow more freedom as he proves himself worthy and let him know it works this way.
Counseling will help you learn how to assure him of the love you put in place as well as help you work through the guilt.

Answer 7

This is a tough one. Keep trying and stay involved in his life. The more positive contact the better. Also, go to family counseling with a therapist who has formal training in family counseling; talk to a few pediatrician's to see who specializes in family/adolescent counseling. It'll never be the same, but it can get better and even great with time and effort.

Answer 8

Your son is only 15, he won`t appreciate what you did for him till he`s a lot older and/or has children of his own.
All you can do is keep telling him that you love him, don`t keep telling him it was for his own good, or he`ll start to resent that.
Keep your patience although you may feel like you`re banging your head against a brick wall.
It may take some years ... but it`ll all work our.

Answer 9

This happen with our daughter too. It was drugs and went on for four years, lying, cheating and stealing, using our credit cards, remembering our numbers and using them.

Now: he's the one that made the rules, he got caught. He must have thought of the "What if's" you know, if I get caught, what's going to happen? I know he thought about it, he's trying to make you feel like the guilty one now, and your falling for it. He knows what he's still doing and, he's doing a good job of it. Stop this guilt trip your on. In a couple of years he'll be on his own, and look back on this, one way or the other. If it's the "other" then it's not your fault, hope the Marines get him, they'll straighten him out, they have a million men already.

Answer 10

Good job parent. They don't call it tough love for nothing.
Discipline without involvement breeds contempt. It'll take time to mend the wounds and bridge the gulf, but be patient. Slowly take him golfing, fishing, and teach him to drive. Continue to prepare him for adulthood. Pray for him. As people mature they tend to look back with better clarity. Your best years may be ahead.