should i talk to my stepkids?

Question

my husband has tryed for years to talk to his kids...should i talk to them....its very hard for him to talk to them and they dont come around only to get something...they holidays they only come to get gifts....they were suppose to be here on christmas and christmas eve. but they said they wanted to spend it again at there other familys...we spent alot of time and money to make it right and they dumped us again....its hard for my husband to talk to them or his ex...he has visitation rights but his ex does what ever she wants..and takes advantage of him and hes not a very good comuticator and they dont care what he says they do what they want...i think my husband is very sad and cant take much more and see's how much fun we have with my kids and how my kids are not rude or selfish....and i think he wants his kids around and wants the same with his kids but like his step daughter said last night which is a lie dad i told you we werent staying and im missing a party at mom to be here

Answer 1

The way I see it, Why does a man have the responsibility to provide financial support for eighteen years after a divorce, if the woman doesn't have the responsibility to provide cooking, cleaning, and household support for eighteen years. It sounds to me like his children are old enough to make up their own minds, and thier mother has made her place more attractive to them by imposing less rules. This is a GREAT way to spend more time with your kids, but its a HORRIBLE way to raise them. It teaches them irresponsibility and lack of feeling.
I say from now on, just consult with them and see what they want to do. Make your plans based on what they say and want.
If his ex-wife wants irresponsable children that is her choice. Just let them know if they come to your house they are going to live up to his, and your standards. In the end nobody can blame themselves but his ex-wife, and the kids themselves.

Good Luck.
Jeremy

Answer 2

Sounds like you and your husband and his kids could use some family counseling. If they'd go for it I'd try that. But first talk to your step kids. Tell them their dad loves them but is not a good communicator. That he wants to be part of their lives not just for the parties and holidays. Their reaction will let you know what they're thinking. Does the ex bad mouth your husband? Maybe that's why they don't want to come over.

Offer them love and kindness and see if they would like to talk with you and their dad about their feelings. Maybe once you see what they're thinking the situation may change or at least, how you guy perceive it. You can offer them to go talk with a counselor together to help unravel the problems of the past. Good luck to you all.

Answer 3

I don't think you are going to accomplish much by talking to them. Sounds like they are resentful for Mommy and Daddy each going their separate ways, and Dad is being blamed for it.

My own daughter resented my break-up with their stepdad, so did one of my neighbors. It took them a year to see that the reason for the break-up was the best thing that happened to us.

Also maybe Mom is saying things to them you all don't know about. The parent the child lives with has a tendency to be able to brain wash the child against the other parent especially if the other parent doesn't like the way things ended up. Enjoy what you have with your own children they grow up too fast, before you know it they are gone.

Hopefully his children will give their father a chance and come around. But I have a feeling they are going to have to do it on their own time, and that may take some time.

Stop spending all the time and effort to make things right for your step children. You are the ones getting hurt in the end. When they realize Daddy's stopped trying so hard to show them how much he cares, maybe then they will stop and think and put things in perspective and realize without mom and DAD they wouldn't even be here.

Sorry I know it is hard but sometimes you have to be hard to get what you deserve. And sounds like to me Dad deserves a lot more than he is getting. Children can be selfish and cruel and it sounds like that is exactly what your step children are being.

Answer 4

uumm, well, i think they are now your children too and you should be able to talk to them if you see fit. But i wouldnt...it doesnt sound like they are very close to you..they might look at you and think who is this chick trying to tell me what to do?
But the main reason not to talk to them is...i can tell you from experience....it wont change a damned thing and its not worth the gamble.
Your best bet is to encourage your husband to stand up and say something to them.
lol when its time for my hubby's kids to visit and they decline......he says..ok thats fine, i understand you have your own life and your own plans.But do NOT ignore me all year round then pop over here at christmas time with your damned hand out like i owe you a gift...because if you dont want my company or dislike me..then you dont want my gifts either.But, his children are nearly grown, they are old enough to understand that.
So, again, i would talk to my husband about having a talk with them.They just cant keep running over their father like that and when they do, it needs to be pointed out to them..depanding on their age that is.Children have to learn some time or another that other people have feelings too and the world doesnt just revolve around them.
Sorry, Im not much help,but i sooo know how you feel.
.

Answer 5

From what you're saying you sound like a nice decent person who wants her husband to be happy but you can't do anything about it. His kids sound horrible but its your husband's actions or reactions that will bring change. The best thing you could do is help him figure out what type of relationship he wants with his kids. If its a deep, meaningful relationship that he wants then he needs to sit down with them and have an honest conversation with them. If he and his kids go to a therapist/psychologist it will make a greater difference and maybe after they have started to resolve their issues you could join their sessions. Again all this is wishful thinking. If nothing changes he needs to reevaluate the situation; maybe not give out expensive gifts - remember love can't be replaced with things. The only way to find out if anything is possible is for him to take that first step towards rebuilding their relationship.

Answer 6

Hi Shelby, sorry you found your self in this situation , fortunately i don't know what that is , but mi step brother does. he come from a divorce parents and he's wife had 2 kids from a previous marriage . he had handle it pretty well. and he is not a very good communicator either, but he shows them love; I thing you could talk to the kids, just not directly about the situation, use some samples or tell them some similar cases and try to make them think on how to improve those cases, but specially show them a lot of appreciation like getting them little cheepy gifts.

Answer 7

not your place to talk to them. Maybe his kids feel their dad left them too whenever the marriage to their mom fell out. It's clear they would Rather be with family then dad it's totally their CHOICE. Maybe they are selfish, maybe your husband was selfish "in their eyes" to not be with them still. My guess is he is not a active enough father now he is paying the price for not doing enough a long time ago. KIDS want to be with a dad they bonded to and who has always been there my guess this is not the case 4 them. He probably don't interact enough is not close enough that is his FAULT not theirs. i could be 100% wrong i know my daughter is not close to her dad BY my his choice he never tried to be there. I 100% AGREE with CuriousFather post.

Answer 8

these kids are ingrates I know children just like this, make some friends go to socials and bingo make friends ith other couples next year plan a vacation and do not feel guilty I am sorry they hurt you its a hurt very deep I do alot for my kids and they treat me like crap I did not even get a phone call, well I am moving on I am hitting the road very soon, say bye bye kids cause I am outta here and I ain't looking back. they're grown now (18 and 19) out on their own I gave everything i could and more , they are pretty nasty and think they know it all but they will not have me to call on when they need something any more, now its my turn. f the pain

Answer 9

YOU SHOULD NOT TALK TO HIS KIDS.That will only cause more problems for your husband and his kids. Maybe it is because he is married to you that there are problems. Is his exwife remarried? Any point you should not be saying anything to them they are NOT your KIDS.

Answer 10

look, it aint your fault that his kids only consider him to be a sperm donor, and chances are they are jealous of your kids. i hate to say this but he should consider counseling. you can not change the people around you, but you CAN change yourself. he just needs to change his actions and reactions. its a very hard lesson to learn.