How to breakup with a someone in the military?

Question

I was in a long distance relationship for two and a half years, with someone ten years my senior. For most of that time my sweetheart was overseas with the military and, I did not see him for months, and even up to a year. About a couple of weeks ago, I just could not take it and, finally decide to end the relationship. I sent him an e-mail clearly explaining my point of view. I have reservations about sending that e-mail because I feel it was impersonal, but I don't really have any other method of communicating with him. I also know this is probably not the best time of year to break up with all the festivities. My concern is for his state of mind and how it will affect his performance overseas. In my opinion, breaking up with him seemed inevitable, but I just need assurance that I did the right thing. Maybe I could have done it better, but I was tired of feeling trapped. So for whomever is reading this please give me your opinion about my situation. P.S. He didn't send a response.

Answer 1

You can't be responsible for everyone else's reactions to how you choose to live your life. If you carry around that much baggage, you will be miserable. You own your choices, but he owns his reactions. Not you.

Answer 2

Dear John,

For two and a half years I've had to live as a military wife, with an absent husband.... but without the benefits. I don't get the support from the community that a spouse gets, and am very alone. This is not a healthy relationship for me in a dating situation. I'm just always waiting for you to come home, and then watching you leave again. It's been two and a half years of a long-distance relationship and no signs of a commitment.

So I feel it is time to let you go, and let me go on with my life.

Best Wishes,

(Your Name)

I hope this helps you think about it and what it all means. My concern is that you don't have the benefits of a wife in his absence or a clear commitment, while you are waiting your life away. I wouldn't stay in this relationship either.

Best Wishes,

Sue

Answer 3

You say that he is in the military and that he is overseas, but you don't say whether he's in a war zone or not. You don't indicate or suggest that he is a career military man or whether he is on a shorter enlistment such as my son. The fact that he is ten years your senior suggests a lot of things, but clarifies nothing. You do indicate that you have known for a long time that you wanted out of this relationship, but you say nothing about his wants. All of this indicates to me, a retired mental health practitioner with 20+ years experience, that you have not provided enough information for a well considered answer, and I would hope to know more if you were a client of mine and in my office. With what little you have said, and with having a young son who has just returned from Iraq for the second time, and giving the arbitrary assumption that he doesn't want out of the relationship, I would suggest that your timing for breaking up is poor, and I would recommend a more planned out separation / break-up. Then, if he's as eager to get out of a relationship with you as you are with him, well, the sooner may be the better. But more needs to be known. God Bless you and him.

Answer 4

I married a man that went overseas 20 days after our wedding. I waited for him every day and hated every moment I was away from him. You are seriously selfish and you are pathetic for dealing with the situation by email. Do you not think this time of year is hard enough on him without you breaking his heart? Have you no soul??? If you gave a sh** about his wellbeing you wouldn't have even considered doing this. It is understandable that you had a change of feelings for someone, you weren't married to them. However, the men and women that serve our country have enough **** going on and you should have thought about your committment before they left so you didn't f*** him over when he already has enough **** to deal with
To people that have no idea what these men go through, you sound so stupid. You are so concerned about yourself and your own feelings. It was probably wise to leave him because he will find someone better than you. You didn't deserve him. If you honestly loved him you would have waited for him but you didn't. So move on with your new man and live happily ever after. Bad timing on your part, actually pretty harsh timing on your part. You were rude. He will be fine without you!!!

Answer 5

They are prepared for these things.... but as far as the email if that was the only way you could reach him dont be sorry for that. He is just processing it mentally. Friends probably wouldve been the better route of ending things. I feel your frustration though you have to worrry about yourself. It seems like you have a reason for wanting to end it unfortunately if you did it over the phone do you think the results wouldve been any better you said what you had to say if he was man enough he would respond.....

Answer 6

I think you could have waited until after the holidays. I don't know how much of your feelings you discussed with him beforehand. It sounds like this has been building for a while & I think you should have talked about it with him via e-mail before now.

In the end, what's done is done. You really can't take it back. If it was unexpected on his part, he might take it pretty hard. He may not respond. With any luck, his fellow soldiers will help him through it.

Answer 7

You did the right thing by telling him while he's overseas. His buddies in the military can be his support system, since I'm sure he's not the only soldier receiving a "Dear John" letter while he's serving. It's best that it's sooner, than later. If he hasn't responded yet, maybe he hasn't had a chance to read it. Send another and ask him to please respond, regardless of how he feels. You need to know if he understands, or got the message. that it's over.

Answer 8

I learned from a Vietnam vet who met and got engaged on return to a gal who was already engaged to a guy still in Nam. He told her not to write a Dear John letter until he returned. I guess he'd seen a lot of guys get those letters while over there.
They are my in laws now.

Answer 9

Your timing might have been better but then there is no good time to get the Dear John email. But what's done is done.
If you are really concerned about his state of mind you can contact his company (ship?) chaplain or commandant. They have dealt with breakups before.
It is really unfair to either of you to stay in a one-sided relationship. I hope you both can move on.
Good luck.

Answer 10

If he is deployed right now you have effectively decreased his combat effectiveness. If he is in a line unit that put himself and the members of his unit in greater danger. He's going to be distracted by this and he won't have his mind on the mission. As a soldier in the U S Army I can tell you that I wouldn't want to be in his platoon knowing he received such a message.
Hooah!!! To lins0043 that says everything I feel!

Answer 11

While I was serving in Desert Storm I recieved a "Dear John" letter from my fiancee. she told me she was moving to alabama. At the time it was pretty tough to take, but at the same time I didnt have the luxury of thinking about it. I had other things on my mind like staying alive. later after I got back, I found out she went to alabama with one of my friends. He didnt even like her, she just followed him there hoping they would get together. Whatever your reason is for breaking up, stick with it. You can only worry about how you feel. he is a big boy, he can take it.