What do you think about my poem I'm thinking of submitting to a contest, Rainy Christmas?

Question

Outside, it rained a Christmas mist; inside, I was listening
To a girl I hadn’t seen since we were “A” students in like the 5th or 6th
Now she’s hearing voices that make all kinds of threats and scary noises
Thinks she smoked too much green stuff that was very, very moist
When I was watching Chesapeake High square off with Sparrows point
She dropped out in the 9th grade into despair and disappointment
Using and selling drugs, hanging with hell a thugs
And still lives in constant search of more and better bud
A schizophrenic living with it the best way she knows how
Meds don’t take away the voices; they just make them go down
Seemed her belief in a good God was deceiving her hard
Faces contorted into demons of the people she saw
Told me how she chased the reaper, as I was seeing her scars
Self-inflicted with a knife to the wrist, deeper and harder
If Jesus is the reason for the season or you’re a believer in karma
How do you justify this girl’s way of being? A martyr?

Answer 1

Barf ! I lost you the first time you bragged on yourself.

If you want to write poetry leave yourself out of it, and don't brag on yourself. Only Bubba preachers can brag on themselves and still have an audience after 5 minutes.

To write poetry or anything, be an observer of life, put some suspense in your story, but don't self aggrandize yourself.

The rest of your story (poetry) is pretty damn good.

But saying that "she and I were A students" - is a turn off. What difference did it make in the poem whether or not you yourself were an A student.

Take out the "I" word in the beginning and enter your poem in a poetry contest on the Internet. They are usually free, and they pay about $500 for first prize.

Answer 2

God is with anyone who asks him to be he cares about all our problems. The poem is good but very sad. Her way of being seems to be partly due to bad choices that she has made. God did not walk away from her. Yes i do believe in karma. but not in every case. She has an illness.You will have to ask God WHY? All i can say is we do not live in a perfect world. We lost Paradise here on planet Earth. I had a somewhat rainy day to but rain always makes the flowers grow. In each life there is some sunshine and some rain.

Answer 3

there is a saying; "if you feel far from God, Guess who moved?"interesting poem that grabs your attention, though sad.

Answer 4

harsh, deep, insightful, and intense--excellent!