Ladies: Is something a miss in my relationship (please read on...)?

Question

My girlfriend hasn't told about our relation to her ex-boyfriend as she is scared to hurt his emotions. She says, he still wants to be with her and she can't be rude enough to ignore him and she can never disclose our romantic liaision to him.

She hasn't told about our relationship to anyone including her best friends. I can imagine her hiding this from the world to protect our privacy, but she never did that in her past relation. Even today some people still think she's with her ex-boyfriend.

On the contrary, she says she loves me and she has never felt like this for anyone.

Is everything normal? I am an open-minded person, but I can't stop thinking there's something a miss. Please give your suggestions.

Answer 1

Hi Maddy, I am sorry to say this, but this is NOT normal behavior from somebody who says she has never felt such love for another as she does for you, but she wants to not only save the feelings of her "ex-boyfriend", but also has not told anybody about the two of you, allowing her social circle, and her supposedly "ex" to believe she is still with him.

Maddy, I don't know what this woman is up to, but you are in a situation which is unhealthy in extreame. This has nothing to do with being open minded, but with dishonesty, deceit and using. This woman is in complete charge of this situation, and is not considering your feelings, needs, or emotions at all. A person who truly loves another wants that persons happiness even above their own, and does all they can to ensure that happiness. Maddy, I am very concerned for you and am upset about what she is doing. You have every right to expect certain behavior from a woman who declares love for you.

You have a right to have your relationship be out in the open and declared to all of your and her social circle. You have a right to expect her to be finished with an "ex", and not have her be more concerned for "his" feelings than yours. You have a right to have all of her attention and devotion and not have it splintered between you and this other man. When a woman refuses to publicaly declare her affection and her relationship with a man she professes to love, she is up to no good and is not being upfront and honest with you or any others who are involved. The fact is she is hiding her relationship with you, and deep in your heart you know she is not only not finished with this so called "ex" emotionally, but he is not truly even her "ex".

This young woman is having an affair with you on the side Maddy. She is telling you what you want to hear in order to keep this side relationship going. Men have been engaging in this sort of behavior with women they have affairs with for centuries. While this use to be the behavior of men, with the onset of woman's lib, woman have become adept at this behavior too. This behavior is the hallmark of men who tell their mistresses what they want to hear in order to keep them for their purposes, which is to have them on the side while keeping their marriages intact. For years woman have found themselves in this position, and they have made the decision to believe he means what he says and when the time is "right" he will publically declare his relationship with her and his love for her.

However, more times than not, that "right" time never comes about, and she is left waiting to come out of the shadows, stop being a "dirty" secret, and to become his public love, honored as she feels she should be, and in all honesty how she deserves to be.

Women who find themselves in this situation choose to believe that the man truly loves them and that for this reason and that reason he just is unable to publically declare his love for her. She chooses to believe that all these other people have to come before their love, and that she is doing the right thing by not "hurting" others. She langishes in the darkness and little by little her self pride, self esteem, self confidence, and belief in her own value is eroded until it becomes difficult for her to leave.

Men who do this are very selfish and egotistical assh*les, who care little for the pain they are dealing out to women who truly love them. It is THEIR needs which always comes first, their lives which means the most, and they never give all of themselves to ANY one woman.

When a man, or a woman, has more than one romantic envolvement he or she is incapable of giving all of themselves to anyone. In a real, committed love both envolved give 100% of themselves to the other, always attempts to put the others needs first, and is proud to declare that love to all around. A relationship is not about each giving 50%, but each giving 100%, and if an individual is attempting multiple relelationships he or she, is incapable of even giving 50% to anybody.

A person who does this is cheating everybody involved Maddy. She is minipulating you by using your emotions and your love for her. She tells you what you need to hear to quiet you for a while and when you begin pressuring her again to publically declare her love for you she will once again come up with all these reasons why she is unable to do so, and do it in such a way as to garner your sympathy and understanding, and quiet you for a while again. Even though she quiets your words for a period of time, she is not quieting your questions, your confusion, your hurt, and the deep knowlege that she is not being truthfull or treating you properly.

Maddy, you know, deep in your heart that this situation is wrong, that she is not considering your feelings. You know that the person she truly loves is the one she will protect, will do all she can to make sure does not find out the truth of what she is doing, and that it is that person who she wishes to keep on a somewhat permenant basis. Even though she is cheating the both of you, by this I mean both of you men, she obviously has stronger feelings for this other man than she does for you. It is HIS feelings she is most concerned with here, not YOURS, Maddy. She is working diligently to keep HIM from the hurt of knowing she is sleeping with, and spending time with you, that she is cheating on him with you; and at the same time she is doing all she can to keep you on her emotional chain, yanking you here and there and not giving a care about your emotional health.

Maddy, I strongly encourage you to let this woman go. I know it is easier said than done when you love somebody, but think of how much harder it will be if you wait and have to do this at a later date.

What happens if you wait, that she never tells him the truth, never tells her social circle, and another year goes by, then another? You will have wasted all this time, time you could have been grieving and one day healing from, and go on to find a woman who will truly love YOU the way you love HER, a woman who gives her all to you and is devoted to only YOU, and nobody else, who honors you and treats you with respect and who wishes nothing more than to make you as happy as you wish to make her.

Maddy, please do not allow this woman to use you. Please do not let her steal this time from you. Please understand that you deserve so much better, and that there IS women out there who will love you as you deserve. However the longer you keep yourself in this partial relationship, this shadow relationship, this shallow relationship, the more time you waste when you could be healing and moving on. Maddy, I don't know how old you are, but life is short, too short to waste on a "relationship" in which your needs are ignored, your emotions and feelings ignored, your dignity assaulted, your heart degraded. The longer you allow this woman to do this to you the worst the hurt, the harm to you heart and soul will be, and the harder it will be to actually be able to heal, and to trust other women in you life. You will have allowed her to destroy your trust in women, to have stolen valuable time where you could have been in a real committed and loving relationship.

Maddy, you have read other Answers I have written regarding committed romatic relationships and marriages. You have read how these relationships have an entity of life of their own, in which this entity is the combination of two loving committed people and how that Entity has needs which must be met in order for it to be healthy and thrive. If those needs are not met the Entity sickens and eventually dies, leaving behind broken hearts and souls. Each time an Entity dies it has a profound affect upon the more committed individual. It is important for each person to allow themselves to have a mate who loves them as deeply and is as committed to the relationship as he or she is. It takes two to create a healthy, thriving committed romantic relationship, and to then work together equally to keep it healthy and thriving, but it only takes one to destroy that relationship, that living and breathing Entity called LOVE.

However, it takes more than just love to keep a relaionship thriving and growing towards an ever increasingly deeper bond, which is the result of the hard work of both involved. Many simply do not know how to be committed, do not know how to be married. Many jump into relationships way to soon, before they really know the other, and without vital skills needs to keep it healthy and growing.

This is all within an openly committed relationship, not a hidden secret one in which one participant is kept apart, kept in the dark. Think of how much pain you are feeling, how her actions makes you feel less, that you are just not as important to her as this other man is. Think how this affects you deep in your heart and soul, and then think of how little regard she has for these wounds she is inflicting you with. Think of how SHE is getting HER needs met, but is refusing to give you or even this other man, ALL of her. She is not committed to either of you, is refusing to give all of herself, but she has made it loud and clear she has chosen HIM, over YOU, Maddy. This is a very lopsided and hurtfull situation. YOU are giving all of you to her, and she is very happy to take all you have to give, but she refuses to give you back the same level of love, committment, and honor. She has chosen to "care" for this other man's feelings than yours Maddy, and you know what that means, you just are clutching at the hope she keepts instilling in you that soon she will reveal her love for you to all and then you and she will be able to have a real, truly, publicly committed loving relaitonship. She tells you just enough to keep you hoping; she is using your love for her against you and is holding out the carrot of her full committment and love to keep you on her leash.

Maddy, you deserve so much more than this. I am very sad thinking of you in this situation, of your wasting valuable time on a woman who cares so little for your emotions and feelings and who is simply taking all you offer her, greedily sucking you dry, while she refuses to give you back what you give her. I am saddened to think of you being treated like this, and wish you would simply see how valuable you truly are and how deserving you are of being loved deeply by a woman who will honor you and work diligently at your continual happiness, a woman who will put you first in her life as you would put her first.

Maddy, my fifteen year old daughter was killed Saturday the twentythird of December. She was drugged and assualted and the drug the men gave her overdosed her. She does not have any more life to live, all her opportunities for love and devotion by a man who deeply loves and cherishes her, honors her, and treats her as the most important person in his life, the way she would have treated him, is gone. She has no more opportunities in this world, and we are all grief stricken over her loss. I have to believe that all of us go when God says it is time, and had it not been her time she would still be with us. I am enraged over the people responsible for this, but am helples and there is nothing that will bring her back. I am telling you this to enhance your understanding of how very fragile life is, how very short it can be , and how quickly it can be over.

I want you to understand that you deserve to have a woman love you as you do her, and to be treated as you will treat her. Please do not waste more of your time on a woman who refuses to care about your heart, who does not take care of the heart you have offered her, who is rejecting you and your love. You deserve so much more from a partner, than to be hidden and kept a dirtly secret. If you continue on with this woman, eventually you will get tired of how she is treating you and you will stop being involved with her. However, I am very concerned and worried over WHEN you will finally come to understand she is NEVER going to provide you what you do her, that she is never going to openly be devoted to you and will not care for your feelings any more tomorrow than she is today. Please understand the longer you allow her to treat you so shabbily, the more time you will lose in your life to the opportunity to have a truely loving and committed relationshp which is what you deserve.

Maddy, from our posts here, your questions, and answers and all, you are a good man with a loving heart and who is capable of a true committment. You are deserving of a woman capable and WILLING to provide you what you provide her. I understand how difficult it is to walk away from somebody you feel romantic love for, but Maddy, this woman is not committed to you. She is committed to her current boyfreind. He is NOT her "ex-boyfriend", Maddy, and you know this is true. You said yourself that she allows everyone to believe he is still her boyfriend and that she won't tell anybody about her relationship with you. She is not committed to you, nor does she have any concern for how much she is hurting you. She is concerned for herself, for her boyfriends feelings and not yours Maddy.

What happens if a year from now you finally come to the realization she is never going to publically declare her relationship with you; or in two years or however long it takes you to understand she simply is not going to commit to you as you are committed to her? All that time will be wasted time, and not only that, but time you spend in agony and pain. When you finally come to this understanding and make your desicion to end this, you will then have to start the grieving and healing process at a much later time. The wounds will be much worse then as you will have been having the hurt and pain build up over that period of time, and the healing process will be much longer and much more hurtfull.

Maddy, we teach others how to treat us. It pains me to say this to you, but you are allowing her to treat you shabbily. If you had stronger bounderies and a higher degree of self worth you would never have agreed to this sort of hidden relationship, you would have declared she needed to fully end her relationship with her "ex", and even more, have fully gotten past any emotional entanglement with him. You are allowing her to cheat you. You need to have a firmer belief in your own worth, and to demand you are treated as you treat others.

Maddy, I also once allowed others to treat me shabbily, while I treated them well. I finally came to the understanding I was allowing them to do so, and they were not victemizing me, I was doing it to myself. I finally made my stand and got rid of all who treated me so. When others see how we allow the major players in our lives treat us, they too think they can treat is simularily. WE teach people how to treat us.

Once you have a firm understanding of your worth, you will no longer allow people like this woman to treat you in such a manner and you will find your life so much happier. You will see that even being alone and a bit lonely is far better than being degraded by people in your life. Once you come to this place you will then be in an place of emotional streangth which will allow you to have a real committed loving relationship in your life. However, you must first stop others from taking advantage of your good heart, of minipulating your giving nature, and place bounderies of what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.

You should NOT be tolerating this treatment Maddy. To finally completely answer you question "Is something amiss in my relationship", YES there is a LOT amiss in this relationship, and I strongly urge you to get OUT of it and allow yourself to build up a strong sense of self worth, and stop "settling" for a relationship which does not honor or treat you as you deserve, and allow the proper love you deserve to find a way into your life.

As long as you are entangled in such relationships, no woman of worth who is your equal, and whom is capable of giving all of herself to you will find her way into your life. Give a good woman the chance of finding you Maddy, even if it means you have to feel some degree of lonliness first. That is how I met my husband, long after I had finally decided I deserved better and preferred to be alone than treated less than I deserved and that I would never "settle" in a mate just because I felt lonely. I was just dating here and there, not really looking for anyone permenant, when my mate found me. However, I first had to value myself enough to know what I deserved and allow a good man to find me. Had i still been involved with a man who was treating me poorly, a good man would pass me by. A good woman will not attempt to be with you when you are involved with another woman. YOU have to find your value and then put your foot down and demand what you deserve and then you both can be equally bonded and always seeking each others happiness.

I need to stop Maddy. I implore you to see the truth in my words, and to understand I speak out of concern. I want the best for you, and what she is giving you is as far from the best as it could get.

Maddy, I am truly sorry for all the pain you are feeling and the confusion too. Take the time to truly see how she is treating you and then get out.

Take care of yourself Maddy, and be well. I wish you the very best life has to offer, and please allow yourself to reach out for that and not settle for this sort of treatment. Bless you Maddy, and peace be with you as you continue you journey of growth here in this lifetime. Please remember that time is short and you should not cheat yourself or allow anyone else to cheat you either. It IS up to you not her.

P.S. Maddy, you send me messages, but do not allow me to respond to them. I am concerned about this and am asking you t explain why you send me one and then block me from responding. Part of MY bounderies is to not correspond more privately with those I do not know well. If I am not to contact you as I have allowed you, then I will be forced to no longer correspond with you, or answer your questions any longer. I refuse to not be treated fairly Maddy. Would you please explain why you have blocked my ability to respond to your missives via Yahoo! Answers, as I have allowed you to contact me? Thanks I appreciate your response to this concern I have.

Answer 2

I agree with ladylove. Having been there and done that, as far as relationships gone astray, I can say that usually when we think something is amiss, it definitely is amiss. I think she should respect you and the relationship you both share enough to not keep it hidden like she is ashamed. The most suspcious thing to me is that she doesn't want to tell anybody about you because her ex will have his feelings hurt?? If she was truly over him and trying to get him to move on also, the best way she could handle the situation would be to tell her ex, "Hey, I'm with someone else now." But she's not doing that, and you need to seriously evaluate why.

Best of luck. One thing we all have to learn the hard way, but don't ever let anyone toy with your heart.

Answer 3

She needs to come clean. The only reason my friends hide new boyfriends from old boyfriends is because they are still involved.
Its nice to not want to hurt his feelings if she broke up with him and went straight to dating you within a short time, but if they were apart before and then you came into the picture she needs to stop coddling him. She's either too nice or involved in shady ways. Keep your eyes peeled, the fact that people think she still with the ex is a very bad sign.

Answer 4

Heck yeah something is missing. Its called Loyalty and Trust. How can someone say they love you when they don't want anyone to know you exist? Why should she care about a man's feelings she isn't with, unless she is giving signs to him that there is still hope. If you don't love yourself enough to want better, and to be treated better, then you can accept what she is doing to you. When a woman is truly in love, she wants the whole world to know it. She writes your name all over her paper work, has your picture in her phone, on her desk at work, and next to her bed. A woman in love keeps her love close to her at all times, she doesn't hide it, unless she's hiding something. you need to take a good look at what you percieve love to be, because what you have from what you explained isn't it. Good luck.

Answer 5

Having been in relationships that have gone astray, I think I can honestly say..something isn't right here. I don't know how long you two have been together, but If I were you I would call her bluff. She may honestly "not want to hurt his emotions", but I certainly don't think that may be the case. Obviously, I don't know the girl or you, but that does seem very odd. Tell her to be proud of the fact she is with you and tell her ex, or to get lost, see what happens.

Answer 6

Take it or leave it but here is my opinion based on experience:

She is not into you completely. Her ex still has her heart. Becareful and don't get emotionally caught up with this one because this sounds definitely like a heartbreaker.

Love doesn't have anything to hide. If I were you, I wouldn't waste time and break it off now before it gets ugly.

Answer 7

sounds a lot like she's playing the same game with two guys. I doubt you'd want to the the "other" guy and be the hurt party - so you might be better off letting her go.

Answer 8

You need to leave her now. She is playing you like a fool. She probably is still seeing him and thats why she cant tell him or anyone else about you. Dump her and find someone better

Answer 9

umm, ya. this is not normal. i think something is up with her... but i'm not sure what. because, if she really, truly loves you, then she'd want the whole world to know. i mean, you love her, right? and, haven't you told people about her? see... there's my point... somethings up.*

Answer 10

no not normal. If i was you gf and iwas in love with you i would tell the world