Would you rather be with the wrong person than be alone?

Question

I am with someone right now, but we're in a confusing time. My chances of finding someone else aren't good (I'm a fat Pagan in an area full of health-nazi Christians). People who would understand me are quite rare in this area. If you were in my shoes, would you try to make your relationship work, or would you cut and run and risk being alone forever?

Answer 1

What a great question! It's kind of an odd position to be in, not quite like others and others not quite getting you because of it. We live in a society that gauges what kind of person we are before we even open our mouths, that makes assumptions about our weaknesses before assumptions about our strengths and all in a few seconds of visually gathering information. The trick to living an authentic life WITH OR WITHOUT someone is lining up who other people think we are with who we think we are with who we actually are. When these things are out of whack, regardless of weight or method of worship, we project inauthenticity, we don't ring true, neither to ourselves nor to others. Before you consider what others think of you or if they think of you, consider what you think of yourself, what you know to be true. Look ahead a bit and see if who you are right this moment is going to get you where you want to be. Set a course based on a goal and move boldly in that direction. Feel the fullness of that. As for being understood, I have two thoughts on that subject. Being overweight appears to others as an addiction. Anybody who has ever been with someone addicted to something unhealthy feels a tendency to move away from others who are once they are able to get free of that person and their addictions. Alcoholics and drug addicts and shopaholics and hoarders can hide their addictions but people who are overweight display their addiction. Your very weight tells people things, right, wrong or otherwise. From the point of view of your weight projecting an addiction, can it be so very hard for you to understand that people of a healthy mindset don't get you? And does it matter to you what this tells people about you? If it doesn't then just own it, own who you are and understand that wearing your addiction out the door each day is gutsy and open but it provides no shelter. A man who finds out his neighbor was an alcoholic after living next door to him for 15 years can be surprised and say, "I never knew!". But nobody is going to look at you in shock after that amount of time of knowing you and say, Whoa, I never knew you were overweight. The secret addiction people find it much easier to appear as if their worlds are right as rain even as the secret-keeping is time-consuming and anxiety-ridden. You don't have to worry about that. But you do have to live in the world, the same world that you would have understand you and alot of people won't. Non-drinkers often don't understand alcoholism, health-driven people often don't understand the overweight. You'll need to either accept that as you've accepted your own weight or you'll need to do something about it. There is no middle ground and gaining health is not the same thing as selling out. The second thought on the matter is that ALL addicted people cry the same cry. "They don't understand! I'm not only a (pick-your-addict), I'm so much MORE!" and in there is the weak but core cry, "LOVE ME, why don't you love me?" It goes back to the inauthenticity of that cry. An exposed addiction sends the message that you don't love yourself so it's disingenuous to demand the love you don't give yourself from others.

As for being Pagan, understand that it's not a mainstream choice of worship. It's misunderstood and you knew it was when you chose it. Do not expect that others should come to understand it as you do. We do NOT have the right to be understood or accepted at all cost. We DO have a responsibility to ourselves to live a life that achieves what we deeply yearn for and we do not have a right to ask others to somehow give it to us or do it for us.

I can't say that you should try to make your relationship work so much as you should try to make an authentic life that works for you. I have no idea what is at stake in letting this relationship go. I have no idea what you hope to gain in a relationship with this man or any other. I only know that you need to hold yourself accountable for some of the lack of understanding and acceptance that you face. Try not to resist that idea because once you grasp it, you have some real power to affect your life. Asking for acceptance and understanding puts you at the pleading mercy of others. It lets OTHERS determine your value. Being proactive in gaining a total-wellness life puts you on the proactive side of things.....you get to call the shots.

And I've no idea what I would choose as to alone or wrong person. It depends on what is vested and what the payoff is.

Answer 2

I think it all depends on how old you are, i.e. how much time you have left to find someone else. I've thought about the same thing many times. I'm alone now, and sometimes wonder if it would be better to 'settle' than take a chance of ending up alone. I'm an atheist in the Bible-belt, (I'm also called a pagan around here) so my chances aren't looking very good, either. It also depends on just how bad your current relationship is. Is he abusive, controlling, embarrassing or what?

Answer 3

I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person. If I was with the wrong person I would know that the right person is out there but i can't do anthing about it. But in your case I understand how it is. You live in a community where people just don't understand you. It is all up to you if you want to run the risk of being alone forever just to find the right person, but then again, what if you are with the right person and just can't see it due to some slight disagreeances? Hope you figure out what you need to do.

Answer 4

I was with the wrong person for the wrong reasons for most of my life. Every boyfriend I had treated me like ****, but I felt like I was better off with the wrong person then being alone. After dating an alcoholic for almost 2 years, I realized I was better off alone. I have now been single for way too long, but I feel good about it, because I have learned that I don't need a man to have a fulfilling life. I also know that I will eventually meet the right man, and I will be available for him, because I won't be wasting my time dating a loser. In the end, only you can choose what is best for you, but I hope you put a lot of thought into what you really want out of life. Don't be miserable just to avoid being alone.

Answer 5

Well, as the saying goes, when in Rome! You didn't say, but is your significant other one of those nazi-Christians too? If so, there must be something holding the two of you together that amounts to more than just the fear of being alone. I think most couples at some time or another wonder whether or not there is something out there different or better, but the grass isn't always greener. Only you know whether or not what the two of you have together is worth persuing or preserving. Follow your heart.

Answer 6

If your reason for staying is because you're afraid of finding someone else, move on. If you like the guy, you should try and work it out. You also might consider moving to New York or Iowa City where weight and religion aren't so narrowly defined.

Answer 7

I always had this philosophy after being younger and hooking up with woman I really did not like, Is it really worth it to be with someone that is displeasurable to be with beside a, "good time" ?I have come to the conclusiton, NO! A woman needs more then a hole to be interesting, the answer may be different for you.

Answer 8

I would rather be alone than in a relationship that i don't like. Be patient the right person will come a long

Answer 9

I'd rather be alone.

It doesn't matter what the hell you look like or what you believe in, you shouldn't be after shallow people anyway. If you stick with someone you dislike, you're just wasting your rime and his/hers.

My ex is an overweight (maybe even obese) Jewish man and I'm a religion-less, fairly thin, young Asian woman but I still loved him more than anything.

Answer 10

umm. difficult. I would rather have sex with the wrong person than be alone. But really being alone isn't so bad. and you have more options than you might realize. for one, you could decide to loose weight on your own. big changes in life inspire that kind of thing (personal experience). sex is one thing that is hard to go without. just a cuddley person.

Answer 11

I might not be the best person to take this from, but I'm young and I have many chances in my life to find the "right" guy. So I would say, wait. There's a perfect person somewhere.


But then. Its my opinion.