My Mom has been raising my little sisters daughter for the past 3 years. My sister is 21 and takes no initiative to raise her own child... so my Mom has taken over and my sister can do whatever she wants. She still lives at home with my parents, goes to college (when she feels like it) and doesn't have a job. I am 28 and I have a son. I work only 1 day a week and my Mom watches my son (and my niece) just that one day. But I'm getting upset because she just doesn't seem interested in my son. She dotes on and is obsessed with my niece who she says is "more my (her) daughter than her (my sister) mothers!" I come back from work and she is ignoring my son who she leaves to roll around on the floor and is catering to my niece. It seems like she isn't into him and it breaks my heart. I'm starting to not even want a relationship with her anymore. I've tried to talk to her about this and she just says "I love them the same" but it's obvious that she doesn't. What should I do?
2006-12-24 12:52:24 · 19 answers · asked by Debbie 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
By the way. I am married and live in my own home. Just in case people are wondering. I take my son to my parents house 1 day a week for my Mom to watch.
What bothers me is that she just watches him out of a sense of obligation because she takes care of my niece... but when I leave him she doesn't act happy to see him. She isn't the same with him as she is with my niece. That's what's bothering me. And she actually only watched him every other week most of the time because when my husband is off he watches him. She doesn't even call for over a week.
For Christmas she went crazy with my niece (about 10 gifts from her and my Dad) and my son only got 2 little dinky things (which I know shouldn't matter) because she says "He's little. He won't know the difference." But when my niece was his age there were MOUNDS of gifts. I know it sounds petty. But I wish things were more balanced. I wonder if I should distance myself?
2006-12-24 12:59:25 · update #1
I can understand why you're angry, but think about this; your son has a mother that cares for him, and can give him all the attention he needs. Your niece's mother neglects her, so your mother has taken on the role of mother to that child as well. She (your mother) probably doesn't mean to show favoritism, but many women feel sad at the thought of their children growing up and no longer needing them. Your sister is a bit of a bum, but your mom may not care because it makes her happy that your sister still needs her. And also, that niece needs her, which makes your mother feel more attached to her than your son, who does not need her.
Your mother probably remembers the days when she took care of you and your sister as babies, and feels happy that she has another chance to take care of a baby again and relive those days when little girls depended on her. She may be unconsciously trying to make it so the girl depends more on her than your sister.
Also, because she has raised (I'm assuming) only girls, she may have an affinity toward girls than boys.
I'm not defending your mother in any way, but this is not a reason to break contact with her. You should try talking to her again, and tell her that she seems to neglect your son. If you feel it's necessary, you could even videotape her on a day that she's babysitting both children - then show her the tape, and let her see how she is really acting. This may be the only way that will make her admit and realize that she is paying more attention to your niece than your son.
2006-12-24 13:59:42 · answer #1 · answered by CherryPie 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
First, if you don't believe your son is getting the appropriate attention and care, find someone else to watch him. He's your #1 priority right now. Secondly, it is hard to understand why some people just seem to bond with one baby over another. Don't blame yourself or your son. For whatever reason, she must believe that little girl needs her more. That may not be the real case, but your mom believes it. Forgive her - get your son better care for that one day, and explain to your mom that it will give her more time to spend with your niece and will be less stressful for you. Then, spend time with your son and your mother TOGETHER and without your niece. Watch her, give her an opportunity to bond with him while you are together. If it works, great. If not, then shake it off and enjoy your son. You and your husband have more than enough love for him - and the occasional visit with his grandma will be enough so long as you don't point out any differences that will make him feel insecure. Good luck and many blessings to you!
2006-12-24 23:31:06 · answer #2 · answered by whatrukidding 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all I think that you and your son need to take some time off from grandma. It seems to me that your mother is trying to make up for something with your sister like not giving her enough growing up or something. The best thing for you to do is to slowly wean you and your family away from your mother and when she notices the change and asks about it just tell her that it was obvious that she and your sister needed more time for your niece and you were happy to be of help. It's not a lie and you would be doing you and your son a huge favor. It may hurt you to have this distance between you and your mother but in the long run it will help. Still include her in things such as birthdays etc. but include her in such a way where she must come to your house not the other way around. This way if she doesn't show up she is only hurting herself by not being a part of her grandsons life.
2006-12-24 21:30:47 · answer #3 · answered by pllbrn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Fed Up,
Your Mother may not be doing this for the reasons you think. It may be possible she thinks you are a great mother! She may realize your son is well taken care of so she doesn't dote on your child as much. She may give your sisters child more attention because she knows that may be the only positive attention your niece receives. Your niece may need more one on one time were your child is a toddler and is more independent like his mother. which is a good quality to have.
Hope this helps,
Weluvdeere
2006-12-24 21:36:46 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would say it is time for a change for everyone. find someone else to take care of your son, i have to ask though does your mom feed him and change him at least.
you can not change your sister or your mom.
they do need to know in very plain English how you feel
so they can not say they did not know anything was wrong.
to bad you can not video record your mom when she is with both kids.
have your husband in on everything 100% and maybe he can take more of those days off.
time to break the chain, your son is what is important now and if he is not getting all the care and attention he deserves then it is time to move on and away from the people who are not best for him or you. Merry Christmas
2006-12-24 23:19:59 · answer #5 · answered by picture 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's raising your niece so she has more of relationship with her then with your son. I'm sure that's difficult for you. You can always get someone else to watch your son that one day a week you work if you feel he's being neglected. Good luck.
2006-12-24 20:57:22 · answer #6 · answered by Miriam Z 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't imagine how hurtful this must be for you. Basically, there isn't any way to make someone live up to your expectations. You just have to let it go. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. Be grateful for your own happy family.
I would also find a different babysitter/preschool for your son. He should feel loved and valued wherever he stays.
Good Luck and give your son lots of love! He deserves it!
2006-12-24 22:33:48 · answer #7 · answered by kyletexas_123 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im a grandmas boy and clearly her fav. And now my son is her fav(he is one) And i was the same way. She pretty much raised me. You should talk to her, she probably doesnt realize that she is doing it. Her maternal radar goes off for your niece. Your son has a dad and a home. Be thankful for your sister but be upfront with your mom.
2006-12-24 22:13:29 · answer #8 · answered by wombizzle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd agree with those that say to find someone else to watch your son. Maybe his absence or possibly your decision alone will help your mother get the hint! You know the saying - you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Good luck
2006-12-25 01:36:09 · answer #9 · answered by sunil s 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems like your mother doesnt care much because she has to constantly take care of a little girl who has no reason to be there. You should probably take him to a pre-school.
1) So he can get some little friends to preoccupy himself.
2) He can atleast can a wee bit of attention.
You should probably call child care if your sister doesn't feel the need to take care of a child.
2006-12-24 22:25:49 · answer #10 · answered by Courtney 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋